Pope’s Easter Death, New England’s Gruesome Murders, and Shiny’s Roast Inferno

One's a crime, one's a squid Talking trash like a couple of kids no script, no plan, just running their mouths.

If you don't like chaos, better tap out.

We got bad jokes, worst taste Eating.

Like trash, saying what we think.

No filter, no clue, no rules, no.

Shame if it don't make sense who's to blame?

So grab a beer, sit back, don't stress it's just two dumb vets making a mess.

Oh yeah.

Welcome to chaos cadre.

Episode 5 Bitches Today's Monday, April 21st.

I'm Mark G.

A hot sauce guzzling ex army fuck up who's been dying like a little bitch this week with a cold, coughing my guts out and driving my wife so crazy she's probably plotting to smother me with my own fishing rod.

I'm a second amendment nut who's too busy hacking up a lung to stream on Twitch.

A washed up has been who gets fragged by a toddler in basic.

A walking midlife crisis with five kids I can't stop shitting out and a limp dick personality that's so pathetic I'm basically a human wet fart.

Someone put me out of my misery already.

Then there's John S.

My co host, A pickle obsessed navy vet who's also been snifling little bitch with his cold.

Whining so much that his wife's probably ready to shove his vape down his throat till he chokes.

This cum stain reject manages a trampoline arcade like a glorified babysitter but he's such a talentless Twitch Wann he'd get his ass beat by a toddler on a bouncy castle.

He'd suck you off for $20 and still fuck it up.

A spineless bald gargling pussy who's been coughing like a chain smoker while his wife prays for divorce.

The pathetic fuck.

Tonight we're unleashing conspiracies to melt your brain.

News that'll make you puke.

Stats to gut you top games you're trash at viewers roast to carve your soul.

And introducing our new co host who's about to get roasted raw.

Strap in you little fucking freaks.

And now let's welcome our new co host SHINee, a 52 year old cougar who's so desperate for attention she's joined this shit show.

Congrats you washed up hag.

You've hit rock bottom with us.

This twice divorced train wreck's been dumped more times than a porta potty at a chili Cook off two failed marriages probably because her exes couldn't handle her spiritual but not religious sage burning bullshit while she's out here hunting for aliens and ghosts like a reject from Ghostbusters.

She's got two adult daughters.

One's pregnant, probably by some deadbeat sh picked up at a dive bar and this old bag's on her second cougar fling.

First with a 20 something she broke in like a cheap toy and now a 30 something she's still clawing on to going from dommy mommy to budding brat.

Newsflash Shiny.

You're not a brat, you're a fossil with a fetish, you creepy cradle robbing skank.

She's been working since 13 starting at a grocery store and wine.

She's never had a job without some creep hitting on her.

Boo fucking who?

Sweetheart, maybe it's cuz you've been giving off desperate vibes.

Nixon administration recently laid off after 25 years this middle of middle of the road political bore thinks chivalry's dead.

Yeah, because you killed it with your endless nagging, you saggy ghost hunting harpy.

She's big on mental health and humor.

Hope she can handle ours because her mental health's about to take a nosedive when we roast her till she cries.

Shiny.

You are walking red flag who thinks aliens are real.

Maybe they'll abduct you so we don't have to deal with your pachili stinking ass anymore.

Welcome to chaos cadre you delusional coug.

Hunt disaster.

Buckle up cause we're just getting started.

Also y'all, let's go ahead and start off with a quick new segment and vote Roast our two viewers out here where we torch two of these sad sacks who dare to tune in.

First up we have Raider, some tick tock stalker who's been following me since I have less than 60k followers.

Congrats.

You desperate?

You've been clinging to my coattails longer than my ex wife.

I don't have one though.

What the this wannabe podcaster wants me to teach him how to podcast.

Sorry Raider, I don' Lessons to basement dwelling losers who can't even get 60 views, let alone 60k.

You've been riding my dick for years but you're still a nobody.

Maybe if you stop jerking off to my tiktoks and got a real job you'd have something worth saying, you tall as clout chasing piece of shit.

Next we've got Kristen, a cat mom who stocks shelves nightly with her husband at some retail hellhole What a fucking life, Kristen.

You're basically a human Roomba covered in cat hair.

You and your shell stocking hubby are so boring.

You brough.

Probably to the sound of inventory scanners.

Beep beep.

You dull ass.

You're out here collecting cats like they're Pokemon cards while slaving away in retail.

Hope you're saving up for some kitty litter because your life's a litter box, you meow.

Obsessed.

Shelf shoveling nobody.

Tune in next week when we rose more of you.

Pathetic.

Don't miss it.

Now, let's go ahead and say hello to everybody on the show.

John, what's going on, my man?

What's up?

What's going on?

I just want to say two things.

One, hi, Rowan.

And two, Kristen, I'm so sorry and.

Welcome to the show.

Shiny.

Hey, how are you?

You know, I dumped them, for the record, except for one.

Oh, also, by the way, Raider subscribed on Twitch.

Oh, let's go, Raider.

Thanks for the subscription, my man.

What up, Zuba?

Hold on.

I got tears in my eyes, y'all, from reading that.

Go.

Yay, peaches.

Oh, man, that.

Is your sister in here yet?

Did your sister hear her roast?

No, she didn't.

She'll.

She'll listen to it later, dude.

Oh, did you apologize?

How you doing?

I did apologize.

I did apologize.

I mean, for the.

For the record, too, y'all, John kind of got clips of Shiny's rose, so he apologized prior to us starting letting Shiny know that he had no partake in the roast.

The start to a show.

Yo, I appreciate that.

What's up, Marty?

How are you doing?

When did I sub to this channel?

I popped up and I was like, damn, that looks so.

Rowan.

Rowan.

Rowan.

So your.

Your.

Your.

Your sister subscribed to it for you.

You're welcome.

Nice.

Let's go.

Oh, man.

So, folks, let's get this out of the way once again, welcome our new co host, y'all.

Shiny.

She'll be joining in for a few episodes, maybe even more.

We're gonna see how it feels out for everybody out here.

She's been a long friends of John's, from my understanding.

So, Shiny, introduce yourself to the people.

Do I need to?

I mean, I think you kind of nailed it with that roast.

I mean, you covered all the stuff that, you know, I did.

I mean, longtime gamer, I think, is the only thing you didn't include in that roast, so.

Well, you didn't tell me you're a gamer, so we couldn't put that in there.

Yeah, okay.

Well, so I am a gamer.

That's probably predominantly how I got here.

I got a friend who interview me once about a spiritual experience I had, and I got hooked, and it just kind of went from there.

My interest in streaming.

But I've always been a gamer since the way back when.

Dinosaur age of the 80s, since the Nixon administration.

Right?

Yeah, right.

Hey, you, bro.

Exactly.

Yes.

You'd have to ask.

You would have to ask your sister.

I don't know how she has your YouTube, but she did it last Monday when she watched us do the toe of Satan.

And for those who are tuning in via audio, you have to watch the video probably to get the reactions.

Like, I'm have to go back and watch the rose for their reaction, because this whole time that I was doing the roast, I was looking at the camera.

So I didn't get to see John and his Shiny's reactions during the rose, but I could tell by listening to the audio, John was ready to fall out of his fucking chair.

So I'm guessing it was a winning roast of an opening.

So we're golden with that.

Oh, fuck, yeah, dude.

It was.

It was.

And.

And just watching you guys with that Toa Satan, that was priceless.

That was Chef's kiss.

You want.

I was gonna be mad that you saw what.

No, wait.

Should.

Should we try getting Shiny one?

I.

I mean.

I mean, if we can get a donation for a shiny, we can send her.

We've already done it, but we get a donation for Shiny, we will definitely go ahead and get Shiny roasted, y'all.

You made him cry.

You made who cry?

Rowan, who made who cry?

What?

I think Satan would make how much?

How much of a donation, dude?

I don't know.

I tell you.

John, what did.

How much did the toe of Satan cost?

Do you remember?

I was, like, nine something.

I'll.

Let me.

I'll look.

Hold on.

I'll look.

Probably be the worst thing I've ever sucked on.

I mean, you can ask yourself that.

I'm pretty sure that that's the.

Yeah, no question.

It was 8.99 before tax and shipping.

8.99 before tax and shipping.

Okay.

You need to know a number.

He roasted you so hard, you cried.

Yes, I did cry.

I cried really hard.

My feelings were hurt, bro.

Right now what we're trying to do is we're trying to get our tick tock up and going, so we'll talk a little bit about that Satan's toe.

John, tell everybody a theory on the Satan toe.

Why you're sick.

Oh, dude, the saint toe made me sick is my theory, because Mark is sick with the same symptoms, but we have not been near each other at all.

Totally separate parts of the state.

Like nowhere near each other to be sick with the same sickness.

Like I'm pretty sure.

So you think they were contaminated?

I mean, I don't know if they're contaminated.

I don't like something in the manufacturing process.

Like maybe mouse poop got on.

We were sick.

We.

We live in Maine.

We got sick.

There's a weather change.

Hey, Say hey.

Hey.

Hey, Mark.

Why Mark?

What?

Mark, look at Marte's comment.

Marte says.

What did he say?

Okay, okay.

What am I donating to now?

Well, Marday.

See, we've already done the toe of Satan.

But since we have lovely shy over here says she has not done it.

Maybe Shiny needs to do the toe saying.

So John gets Shiny's address and mail a toe Satan a shiny.

And then next week's episode we can get Shiny to eat the toe of Satan.

I mean that sounds like that could be phenomenal.

That.

That could be fun.

See, Shiny.

What happens though is if we get some of the donates, they can either donate via the link in the bio on the podcast or they know John's cash app.

Now they'll cash app him the money and he'll go right on Amazon and order that bad boy and have it shipped directly to your house.

Yeah, Raider says he will pay for it.

Raider will pay for it.

Let's go Raider.

You pay for it.

Send her that friggin toe and we will.

He can send her his.

Oh, Zuba hasn't that it is.

That's right.

Zuba has that his give you the damn cash app.

Yeah, you're gonna have to text right of the cash app, man.

Oh, later.

I thought we made up.

I thought we were friends.

All right, so for everybody knows now as well, we are now also live on Tick Tock.

We are going to do a little Tick tock live as well during.

During a little bit of this episode once we get to our conspiracies part.

Of the podcast Satan.

The toe of Satan is a 9 million scoville unit lollipop.

This is what it looks like.

It's the devil's a dick.

Oh yeah.

Wait, I still actually have that right here.

Why is that a tip on it?

Like I still have that right here.

Because it's a toe.

Yeah.

What's this?

Yeah, but toes are rounded.

So Satan's toe has a tip like Satan's claw?

Like no, because Satan's toesing a claw.

It's a toe.

Wait, doesn't he have a hoof?

No, but it doesn't.

Doesn't a hoof have a claw at the.

A tip at the end of it?

Yeah, when you see it.

When you see a cat paw or a dog paw and they got a claw.

Horse hoofs.

Yeah.

Hello, Cass.

No, they still don't have it.

They do.

No, it's a.

Listen, why you got a.

About the.

The cosmetics or the look of it?

You just got to worry about receiving the damn thing and stick it in your mouth to see how long you can go for.

It's not that bad.

You just gotta last five minutes.

Oh, really?

We made it four minutes.

We made it four minutes.

We only had a minute left.

Eyes licensed slander.

You made it, like, two.

No, it was four.

I will go back to the episode later and I will look at the last week's episode.

I have nothing.

Did they send it to the wrong cash app, John, or do they.

Or did they donate to the stream itself?

Oh, never mind.

Nope, Terry, I got it.

Okay, Say, did they donate to the stream or the cash app?

And I would like to point out somebody.

Somebody was, like, spitting and barfing off camera.

I don't handle spice, dude.

Neither do I.

The Tick Tock is at the Mark G show.

Yes, the Tick Tock.

We're in at the Mark G show.

I'm gonna work on Chaos Cadres.

Tick Tock, y'all.

I've got a backup account that's got roughly about, I think, 30, 000 followers on that one.

We'll turn that one to Chaos Cadre.

So that one's in the works.

But, yeah, we'll work on a lot of it, y'all.

I just.

I want.

I want everyone to know.

Wait, I don't want to put his, like, oh, it's not on there.

Okay, don't put personal deets, but, like, $20.

All right, he did.

So we're gonna order that tove Satan and have that ship so shiny, you're gonna have to give John your address so we can ship that to.

Of Satan to you.

And next week, you'll be sucking on the toe of Satan.

It should be a good time.

And where.

John and I have already done it.

We'll just root you on.

We'll cheer you on as you're sucking on the toe.

It'll be okay.

Okay.

Were you actually sucking or were you just putting it in your mouth, like, holding it on your tongue?

I mean, you was rubbing your Tongue on the bottom.

It was.

It was blurry.

Dude.

Calm the down, Raider.

No one could read your government name, dude.

You want me to tell it?

I'll tell everyone my government name right now.

I don't give a.

Is that your government name?

I don't give a.

No.

My government name.

You really want my government name, dude?

Don't give out your government name.

I've already.

I don't give a.

I say I partially given out mine as the Mark G Show, so it ain't hard to find me.

My clients have already found me out here, and they found me on the most political podcast that I do, not just this one.

So.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

There you go.

Yeah, He.

Oh, man.

You'll drop it off.

You'll drop what off?

Rowan says he'll drop off the.

Probably drop off.

Rowan.

Rowan.

Rowan is not a dude.

Rowan is not a dude.

Rowan.

Rowan is a female.

Just kidding.

Well, what the.

Rowan.

Why we got a mask on?

Hiding oursel here.

No doxing.

All right, y'all.

Well, so now that we got shiny the toe Satan, she'll be receiving the toe Satan.

She'll be doing the toe Satan challenge, something that John and I did last week, which was phenomenal, may I add.

I probably could have gone the full five, but John pulled out first.

I was like, it's time for me to pull out.

I just had to wait for him to pull out.

So it worked out perfect.

Let's get into some up news.

I mean, because this week has been an interesting week of news.

Well, let's start off with a big one.

Peter's Square for Easter Sunday Mass, waving at the crowds like a frail old raisin in his popemobile.

The Vatican says he died at Casa Santa Marta after battling double pneumonia and kidney failure.

Guess even the people's Pope couldn't pray away that Grim reaper.

He met J.D.

vance the day before, handing out chocolate Easter eggs like a dying ironic.

He kicked the bucket on Easter Monday, the holiest of weekends, leaving the Catholic Church to mourn while they gear up for a new conclave.

X is flooded right now with tributes calling him a tireless advocate for peace.

But let's be real, he's probably up there asking God why Gaza is still a mess after all his ceasefire prayers.

So what are your thoughts on the Pope croaking, John?

Well, you know, it's one last guy I did A little boys.

That's right.

Wait, let's.

John, we are live on Tick.

I forgot.

Maybe I should have waited until we're done with a Pope segment before we went into this.

I didn't go.

I didn't.

I didn't go profane with it.

You didn't go profile.

You can go profane.

I mean, just.

Yeah, I didn't go into detail.

Yeah, details where we need to stay out of.

On that.

You know, little boys.

Shiny.

What do you got to say?

Shiny, you're trying to clear your throat over there.

Okay, so this sounds like a sacrifice, right?

Because I mean, you know, they wheeled them out just like you would like any other sacrifice.

And I think, you know, the ideology here or the.

The reasoning was again, to bring people back to religion, to highlight the holiest of days.

Like, this is what's to bring people back into the church.

It's to bring unity.

Like, it's all just, you know, smoke and mirrors.

They plan this out.

They.

They made it happen this way.

Ah, okay.

Shiny's adding a little conspiracy onto this one.

But it would have been real interesting if he croaked and then came back to life.

He might.

Resurrected Pope Hologram 2.0.

Tupac, let's go.

Yeah, he could be.

Could be with Tupac and Marilyn Monroe on an island somewhere.

I.

I vote for Marte for Pope.

Pope, Right.

Let's go.

Marte being.

I don't know, Marty.

I don't think they got a Pope lined up.

I think.

What is it?

They.

They go through different meetings to figure out who they vote in for the next Pope.

I think it's a bunch of series of meetings and they all get together and fight over it.

But Cass did make a good point.

Yesterday wasn't just Easter.

Yesterday was also a day that all the stoners across the globe celebrated as well.

They all toked up on their 420 at 420 to make sure that they are red eye and bushy tailed and gaming and eating their goddamn Doritos.

So yeah, the 420 was also another holiday for all the stoners out there.

I can't find the tick tock and YouTube is lagged.

Go ahead, check out Tick Tock.

Look up the Mark G Show the church as well.

I wonder how many of the stoners got so high that they eventually said, oh, Jesus.

Hey, let me ask you a question, man.

Serious question here, okay?

Have you ever been so high, right, that you start having sex and then like you start to come down and then you get really winded?

Because you're high as balls, and then you're all sweaty and covered in fluids and.

And then you come down even more and you realize you were by yourself the whole time.

No, John, that has to be a you thing.

I mean, one of the reasons.

Not only because of my ccw, is the reason why I quit smoking, but when.

When I smoked, I was that guy that would sit there and say, the cops are coming.

The cops are coming.

And I would think the cops are coming to take me away because I was so freaking oblivious out of my mind.

So.

But, yeah, it looks like Tick Tock is loving your thing.

Did you use a.

Like a.

A toilet paper roll with a rubber over it and with a little bit of lube so that way that you got the lotion.

No, no, no.

Did you use a pillow at least and think that the pillow.

So when I.

When I was.

When I was young and dumb, I used to use a toilet paper roll with, like, a bunch of dryer sheets in that.

And then.

Rubber bandit.

Hey, Marty.

Ah, no, not that close.

Dear God.

Don't suck on the mic.

It's not a real thing.

What?

Putting the smoke.

Your weed.

Oh, is that.

Oh, okay.

Sorry.

I thought you were talking about something entirely different.

John, I was talking about you using the toilet paper roll for your pleasurable moments.

Oh, no, no, no, no.

I.

I got.

I got a giant.

Shut up.

I got a giant grapefruit, bro, and I put a hole in it, and then I put in the mic and I heat it up for about 10, 15 seconds, and then.

And then you're good to go, dude.

Gotcha.

Cass has explained so much.

Let's go.

Make sure y'all tap it.

All right, so I don't know how we went from the boat, John.

Not talking about smoking in and pleasuring himself.

I got sidetracked, dude.

All right, y'all, let's go ahead, get to the 20 of the wildest, most up stories from this week.

I've dug deep to make sure we're not repeating any of the old.

A Florida man got arrested on April 17 for trying to propose to his neighbor's cow with a ring pop.

He got down on one knee in the pasture, but the cow kicked him in the face.

The cops hauled him off for trespassing while he screamed.

It was true love.

He's got a black eye and a court date.

Now, was he high?

It doesn't state whether or not he's high, but I'm wondering if he was a white guy with a black eye, so that would There.

He matched a cow.

I'm just, like.

I'm just thinking he got what he deserved, man.

Like, he wouldn't.

He was not needed, I guess.

No, that, like, that's some redneck right there, like, proposing to it.

I mean, the guy loves his beef.

You can't.

Yeah, it gives you meaning to.

Why go out for milk?

Hey, if you can have beef and milk all at the same time, you are golden.

Golden bra.

Golden.

Yeah, but you'd only.

I mean, like, how are you gonna have the beef?

Well, see, what you do.

See, the thing is, like, if you get mad at the cow, though, listen, you go to the grocery store, you buy some steaks, you say, look, I'm eating your sister.

Now, you just.

With that cow, you just be like, yeah, your sister tastes so good.

I don't think that that's gonna be a threat.

Hey, just so you know, Mark, Queef Monkey is Rowan Row.

Oh, okay.

Gotcha.

So Rowan's now got another one here.

Let's go.

Queef Monkey.

What a name.

What a name.

And that's a female.

Yeah.

I don't want to know the story.

Nope.

I kind of do.

I kind of do.

I kind of do.

I kind of need to know.

I kind of need to know.

I don't know.

I haven't asked.

I don't want to.

I mean, you haven't asked the story.

Like, you gave.

You game with this person, right?

No.

You don't game with Rowan.

Okay.

No.

So, like, how you.

I mean, like, is my best friend Stevie's sister.

Gotcha.

Oh, that.

Yeah.

Okay.

I mean, if it was a complete stranger, I think it's more interesting to hear the story.

But if it's somebody you know and you might see or might interact with, like, that might be uncomfortable.

That would be very interesting times to see him.

Listen, you want to know something about Rowan?

You want a fun fact about Rowan?

Bring it.

She slapped me so hard across the face one day when we were drinking that I was spitting blood.

What'd you do?

What'd you say?

I told my wife you.

And I thought I was saying it to her, and she went to town, bro.

Seems like a lot of people try to take you out, huh, John?

I'm an acquired taste.

That's another kind of mad.

Yo, what's up, Matt?

It does seem like you.

You have a hit list out for.

You, John, man, I'm an.

I can't help it.

It's.

It's funny that, because.

Let's see.

I almost broke your neck.

Yep.

Okay.

Why so we were two dumbasses playing in my backyard.

We first started off in these, man, like these, those bubbles.

Have you seen the bubbles where you go inside the bubble and you run into each other?

So we're doing that for a little bit.

So we were already pumped up, and then we decided we're gonna wrestle.

So we wrestled and I kind of picked up.

Was that did I backwards body slamming or did I upside down slam you?

You backwards body slam me, bro.

You picked me up and just tossed me backwards.

And then you landed on the lower half of my body and all that weight landed on my neck at a 90 degree angle.

So, like, my head's like a slight internal decapitation.

Got it.

Yeah, it was a good time.

I mean, John, it was funny because for the, like, for.

He didn't go to the hospital for a few days.

And it was funny because the whole time he's trying to work for me.

He's like, I.

I can't move.

I can't go to work.

I'm like, you're going to work.

You're gonna work this.

I was like, so when I.

Eventually, the backstory is literally your profile picture.

That's it.

Well, we don't see your profile picture.

But yes, Sully, we're live with this.

Yes, totally.

We are live with this.

So you can, you can give me a big old kiss on the lips.

But anyway, so like, when I eventually went to the hospital, the nurse.

I don't know why it doesn't work.

I'm not technologically smart.

So the nurse, she looked at me and she goes, you know, you're lucky you got a thick neck.

It was a good time.

We have fun in my backyard.

So were you like in your 20s?

30s?

Give me an age.

That's what, four years ago, right?

Yeah, early 30s.

I was 31.

Yeah.

And if you're 31 for you, I was.

I was in my 40s, still young.

Dumb, and full of.

Okay, yeah, I was like 40 or 41 when it happened.

So, yeah, it was a good time.

Time.

Yeah.

I might come back to haunt you.

Probably.

I mean, my body's so.

I.

I get it.

My whole body aches when it rains.

But I mean, to.

To help everybody out.

He does ask me to do that once in a while now still.

He still begs me to break his neck once in a while.

Oh, my God, dude.

The whole back rack.

Worth it.

I get so stiff.

No, See, when John gets his friggin back the way it is, his wife loves it because it's a little Bit of, you know, it's.

It's that boom, boom in the champagne room kind of feeling afterwards.

Nice.

It just loosens everything up.

It makes it a little bit easier.

You know what I mean?

Like, there's certain things you can do when you're loosened up, Lucy.

It's fair.

I, I love how we go for a marrying a cow to this.

It happens every time.

Every time.

Oh, we 100 details.

You can't just, like, drop these half bombs of information and then just be like, I just roll on and like.

No, we need the backstory.

We need to understand how we got there.

To answer Marty's question.

Dude, I, I, I, I, I, I think did.

Okay.

Yes.

I need a new microphone.

Please bless me with your amazing blessedness.

Listen, John, we're gonna blush.

John, I gotta get a hold of my brother.

I've got the first ever microphone and audio box.

I can't remember what it's called.

The receiver that I've ever, When I first started out doing my streaming, that we are gonna send to John.

I just got to talk to my brother, see how much it's gonna cost to ship it.

We're gonna get it out to John.

Are you gonna help me set it up?

I can help you right over the phone.

It's easy.

You know how to stick a USB cord into your computer?

Maybe.

Oh, okay.

I mean, if you don't, we have an issue.

If you don't know how to stick something into a hole, John, we absolutely got an issue.

I get stuff stuck in my holes.

No.

Oh, then we might be.

Educational.

All right, let's go to the next one, y'all.

In Texas, a woman got busted on April 15 for trying to sell her husband's prosthetic leg on Craigslist listed it as gently used for 200 because he cheated.

Buyers reported her.

Cops charged her with theft, and X users are calling it her peg leg bandit.

Okay, so you better have cheats on you and you.

You, You.

You take their prosthetic leg to.

To sell it.

Yay or nay?

John, would you go that.

I mean, granted, they went low by cheating, but would you take their prosthetic leg and sell that?

I would not sell it.

I would put it somewhere where they cannot reach it.

Oh, okay.

Well, if they.

If it's one, they didn't mention two legs.

They only mentioned one leg, so they probably still be able to reach it.

Good night, queef.

Nothing like a good night queef.

Yeah.

Good night, queef.

Moist.

Dear God.

So you don't know, maybe their other Legs hobbled or semi crippled.

A little bit of a stable on the other leg.

Yeah, man.

Making them stub it.

Yeah.

Make them have to really work for it.

All right, shiny.

Do you agree or disagree with a woman?

Sell that.

Damn.

Selling that.

No hesitation, dude.

Just 200 bucks, huh?

Like, yeah, no hesitation.

She likes.

Sell that.

All right, we know.

And anything else I can sell, quite frankly.

I mean, listen, if we're.

If we're gonna do one, we're gonna do it all.

His Xbox, PC, it's all gone.

We had a story like this, what, two weeks ago where almost some of the same story, except for instead of selling a prosthetic leg, she stuck her ex's fish in a microwave as a goldfish and fried the.

Out of the goldfish.

Yeah, dude, would you fry the goldfish and let the goldfish live?

Remember, your answer matters.

I'd let the goldfish live.

You're lying.

No, I would.

So, Lizzie, you know what's funny?

I said we're gonna try this out on Tick Tock, right?

We just got restricted to some audiences they may find uncomfortable and has been restricted reasons.

Sexually suggestive content.

What the.

Really?

Tick Tock.

Dear God.

I'm telling y'all, I know what.

It did it.

I know I did it.

Do you?

It was the comment about the Pope.

Ah, maybe.

Maybe.

Oh, that's true.

You were very naughty with that comment.

You were just a little bit.

John.

All right, y'all, for everybody who's listening on Tick Tock then, because we are being limited out there, I need y'all right now to share the hell out of that stream on Tick Tock and let people know we are live with chaos cadre, at least for the news portion and for our now here speaking of news, a New York guy got caught on April 19th trying to ride a subway train naked by climbing on top of a moving car.

He slipped off at the next stop, broke his leg and got arrested for public.

Public indec x is buzzing right now with videos of the subway surfer wiping out.

Getting on a subway in New York naked.

I don't even think I would have the balls to do that.

I have one question.

What's that?

Was he greased up?

I don't know.

He could have been, but no.

Just says.

I'm thinking he just did it, John.

He just went naked onto the.

You wouldn't do it.

I would not do.

Not on the New York subway.

Oh, God.

Have you ever been on.

Have you ever been on a subway in New York?

Yes, I have.

That is filthy.

There's rats on that subway.

Yeah, but he's not riding in the train.

He's riding above it, right?

Is that what you said?

He wasn't actually in the car.

He was on top of the car.

I believe they said.

Yeah, he was on top, and then.

He fell off, and that's how he.

Got hurt, the climbing on top of the moving car.

So, yeah, he was on top of the moving car, so.

Yeah, I mean, but then there's the electricity part of that.

Yeah.

I mean, Dodge.

No, man.

You're going naked on a subway.

Butt Ass naked.

What if, like.

No, dude.

What if you're.

Johnson.

Dude, you're gonna lose your damn Johnson on that.

You up the wrong way.

Your johnson's getting cut off.

Next thing you know, you become a transformer.

Hell, no, I'm not riding a transformer.

What if your junk sticks to the metal because it's so cold?

Like, think about, like, when you're riding a motorcycle, right?

Like, even when it's warm, you still have to have all the gear on and the wind creates.

Hold on.

Let's find out.

What was it on April?

What day was that on?

Hold on.

19Th.

April.

Hey, Siri, what was the weather in New York on April 19th.

And you're below ground.

She can't get past weather.

Really?

All right, so I'm gonna say underground.

It was like 60s here, so.

60s here in Maine.

So I'm gonna say it was probably at least.

Yeah.

Around 60s, maybe.

It wasn't that cold.

Yeah, but it's underground and you've got wind.

Yeah.

I mean, I don't know.

If he had a little dribble out of his sausage, then that could have gotten stuck to the metal.

Oh, my God.

Talk about castration.

Right off the bat, it was in the high 80s.

It was in the high 80s in New York.

So it's probably like.

Yeah, but it's that.

But then that changes it, though, right under the ground, the wind, you're probably looking at maybe 50s or 60s.

So it's not that.

It's not the freezing method that he's got to worry about with this sausage.

Okay, so then here's the other.

Here's the other issue that could have caused calamitous damage to his junk is those.

You know, like, it's got those.

It's not a flat surface.

It's got ridges.

Right.

So if he's slipping off that thing, I would imagine those ridges aren't perfectly smooth.

Like, that could have scarred a.

Yeah, it could have.

Pen.

He could have got A fillet sauce.

This just doesn't sound like a good idea.

Like, what kind of, like, mental outpatient are you?

That.

Well, let's ask John, because it sounds like John was interested in doing this.

John, what kind of mental patient would want to ride on top of a subway butt ass naked?

I mean, hey, man, listen.

I'm just saying.

I'm willing to experience life.

Life.

All right, y'all.

So for the right donation, we'll fly John or get John out to New York so he could get on top of a subway butt, ass naked and ride it.

He's gonna have to record the whole thing, though, because we got to have proof that this has been done.

I think we'd have better luck sending him off to, like, one of those big trains where they get, like, all.

All.

Everybody, like, gets on the train.

Like, it's more acceptable when you have a large group and it's not a subway.

I think that'd be a little bit more appealing.

I mean, where you live, there is the Amtrak up there.

We could get you to do it on the Amtrak.

Yes.

Subway seems a little dicey, but an open train.

Can we wait for warmer weather?

It's warm now.

I've got my fan in my window blown on me.

It's beautiful.

It's like.

Hold on.

I can't even tell you right now.

Let me look at the.

Let me open up my weather station on the garage here.

Let me tell you right now.

Let me tell.

It's 46 degrees outside right now.

It's beautiful.

So, wait, are you saying you'd actually do it?

You would consider.

It's 44 degrees here, bucko.

So it's perfect.

It's above freezing.

Oh, you're up in.

Yeah, he said Northern Maine.

What the, man?

I mean, it's 46 degrees.

I mean, listen, man, it's not below freezing, so your junk's not going to freeze.

You may.

You may.

You may get a little chapped on your ass, but you'll be okay.

Yeah.

You've had military training.

You should be fine with it.

You should know what to do.

Yeah, and you were actually Navy, too.

Fucker.

So you.

You trained in the water, unlike me.

Give you a loincloth.

I didn't train in the water like you.

Oh, Marte, it's only 72 degrees there.

Marty, let's shut up about you and your Florida weather.

Oh, man.

All right, y'all.

Let's go to this next news clip in Ohio.

Of course it's Ohio.

Woman got arrested on April 16 for trying to b.

Baptize her neighbor's goldfish and bleach said they were sinful for swimming in circles.

She killed the whole tank.

Cops charged her with animal cruelty and the neighbors suing her ass off.

Okay.

Not only they eat cats and dogs, and now they're baptizing goldfish and bleach.

What the.

I mean, if she had used a.

Little bleach on a goldfish, instantly 86 a goldfish.

It would take the goldfish life.

No, not necessarily.

Because like, what humans can drink, like, what's the bleach to water ratio?

You can survive.

I forget what it is, but I mean, isn't there like theoretically possible that just a teeny little drop of bleach might have been okay in like a 10 gallon tank?

John, I just want to.

You guys, I just want to let everybody know.

Johnny would be great on here.

She's trying to just justify bleach on fish.

I'm just saying, Chad.

Like, bleach on fish.

Yeah, let's just bleach a fish.

I mean, that just sounds like a good thing to do.

You never know, dude.

It could turn out great.

It could have been the son of Satan.

Who knows?

Cleansing.

Right?

That's what I'm ready.

That's what I'm.

Right, right, right.

At least Raiders understanding.

Like, no.

Would you baptize a child with bleach?

Depends.

Their clothing for sure.

If I gotta get blood out of clothing.

Yes, that's their clothes.

You're.

You're like, okay, so if the clothes.

Are still on them, gets on them.

Dude, that ain't my fault.

You.

You would take the bleach and baptize a child with bleach on their forehead?

Oh, no, I would not baptize.

Well, no baptize.

You're going here.

Or some baptized baptism.

They take the kids and they go who.

They practically drown the little.

And then they pull them up out of the water.

So I mean, no, where that water's coming from.

Like, a lot of these water treatment facilities put all sorts of stuff in that water to clean it.

Bleach may actually be one of those items.

So you don't know.

There might already be bleach used in that regular, socially acceptable dunking bath.

I believe they do bleach trinity of whatever.

Whatever.

All right.

I think they use chlorine in the water, but I could be wrong.

Yeah, well, chlorine is essential.

Marty, why are you.

Why are you scared?

Just saying.

I didn't say it was going to kill the little.

I'm just saying That I get blood out of the shirt with bleach and if it happened to get on them, then oops.

I think Shiny scaring them with her saying that she's finding bleaching fish to baptize a fish is acceptable.

I'm not saying it's acceptable.

I'm saying we're worried.

You're not giving me quantities here.

You're not saying that she poured a whole jug of bleach in there.

I'm just saying what if it was a tiny little dose?

I don't know.

I don't know.

I need more information.

This is why females on the murder mystery podcast.

Listen, I got some bleep somewhere in my house.

I think next week, for the right amount of money, I'll drink a cap full.

What the.

No, you won't.

That's a lie.

Listen, I went to FEMA training and they tell you right in the book that you can add X amount of bleach to water and safely drink it.

I wouldn't personally do it, but I'm just saying that's what they say.

That's what they sell you.

They sell you on many other things too.

That I won't.

I know.

We're live on tick tock right now and no.

All right, y'all, now that we know Shiny's out to kill every fish out there, let's talk about a California man got busted on April 14 for trying to marry his Roomba at a drive thru chapel.

Said it was his soulmate because it's always cleans up after him.

The priest refused, cops arrested him for public disturbance.

And X is debating if he's a tech sexual.

I'm sorry, he's a what?

What?

A tech sexual.

Yeah.

No, you.

You know what a techsexual is, right?

Like you want to marry appliances and.

Somebody who falls in love with their electronics.

Correct?

No, it's not weird, my boy.

I understand.

A tech sexual John might be a techsexual.

Actually, no.

No, you're not married to Call of Duty.

Listen, I'm just saying every week we go through this.

No, I am not married to call a duty.

Not at all.

No.

John, can you go three months without Call of Duty without building up attitude, getting angry as if you're going through withdrawals from nicotine?

No.

All right then, so you're obsessed.

You're obsessed with Call of Duty, lady.

You have addiction issues.

Got it.

You are.

You are what we call a game sexual, John.

Okay?

You are a game sexual.

That's what you are.

We're categorizing John, y'all.

John is a game sexual.

We're gonna have to break the news to his wife when she listens to this tomorrow morning as she's driving to work.

I'm sorry.

How do you think she's gonna take it?

Yeah, how do you think she's got to take it?

John.

John, can you just come out and tell everybody now?

Just go ahead and.

John, the first thing I'm doing is to admit.

Admit it.

Okay, John, I want you right now to tell everybody on stream and let them know that you are a game sexual.

Say, I am John S.

And I'm a game sexual.

Come on, John.

I want you to tell everybody.

There's no way I'm saying that.

Let's go.

John, I need you to say.

You.

You need.

You need to affirm this.

Listen, you get me to do a lot of dumb, but I'm not saying that it's not happening.

But it's true.

No way.

You're.

It's true.

You're a game sexual.

I am not a game sexual.

You're not?

So you can go four months without playing Call of Duty without.

Now it's four months, dude.

First it was three.

Yep.

Now we're adding.

We're adding four months onto it.

Raider says he'll pay you to say it, so don't say it.

How much we talking, Raider?

Yeah.

Say I'm John S.

This and I'm a game sexual.

That's all you gotta say because you're.

Gonna turn it into some mean clip.

Why would I.

I would never do such a damn thing.

I want to read that so bad.

Feel like it goes to what you say, dude.

God, John.

Just say it, John.

It's easy, John.

You got to admit it.

I will say.

He spelled my name right, for God's sakes.

That's good.

I'm glad he did.

What would it take.

What would it take for you to.

John.

For you to admit to the world that you are a game sexual.

That sounds so wrong.

Who cares?

Who cares?

What's the worst?

And I'm gonna be liberating.

Hey, thanks for saying it, bud.

Say it, John.

Come on.

We're gonna liberate you right now, John.

Let's go.

There's no liberation needed.

It is needed.

It is needed.

You know it is.

Just.

Just tell the world, John.

The world needs to know.

The world doesn't need to know.

World.

Absolutely.

It is a true statement.

You can.

You've admitted you can't go four months without calling.

All right?

Regardless, you can't go three.

Not another hundred.

I just pay tax.

You can't go three without playing Call of Duty, which means you are a game.

Sexual so just admit it.

On.

Wait, are we talking.

Are we talking, like, War zone?

Call of Duty?

Multiplayer?

Call of Duty?

Any version of Call.

Any version.

Any version of Call of Duty.

Listen.

No, I'm not saying it.

Come on, John.

John, you had money on the table.

Raider is willing to pay to say it.

To help you out, you know, help you get through your addiction.

And you.

This addiction, John On.

You just got.

It's not an addiction, dude.

It is.

We're here to help you.

You're full of.

You're here to humiliate me.

Well, no, I'm not.

Anonymous.

All right, y'all.

I guess we're not gonna get John today to admit it.

We'll try again next episode to see if we can get John to, you know, tell the world that he's a game.

Sexual.

We'll get there, Chad.

We'll get there.

In the meantime, Chad, out in Michigan, a couple got caught on April 18th, teeth stealing 50 jars of what?

Oh, what?

John loves pickles.

From a grocery store.

Hid them in their pants and waddled out.

They claimed it was for a pickle party.

What?

The cops charged him with theft and exes losing it over pickle bandits.

Ladies and gentlemen, it sounds like this is something John would have done.

John the pickle bandage.

John, what are your thoughts?

First of all, they're wrong.

You don't steal pickles.

You make them, dear.

You love making.

What the hell is a pickle party?

You need to know what this is.

Google it.

Boo Boo.

Google it.

Shy.

What are your thoughts on the pickle bandits?

I listen to somebody who just does not like pickles.

I don't.

I have no understanding of this.

Like, why?

Why pickle Pickles are good, though.

There's certain kinds of pickles that are really good.

Like, you get the bread and butter.

Pick pickles.

The bread and pucker.

The bread and pucker.

The bread.

The bread and butter.

Pickles are phenomenal.

Okay, but did you know the brine that's used to make pickles has been linked to colon cancer?

Put that in your nugget.

It's vinegar, though.

So you say vinegar has been linked to colon cancer.

Well, depends on who makes it.

Whatever's in that brine, I don't think it's just vinegar.

I use vinegar.

Carolina reaper pickling salt.

I mean, I like vinegar and I like cucumbers, but I don't like pickles.

Go.

Riddle me that.

That's kind of up.

I mean, and you like to baptize fish with bleach.

So this is all starting to come together now.

Yeah.

Shiny.

Let me make you a jar.

Pickles.

I promise.

You promise?

Okay.

So send me.

So send me pickles along with that devil's cleft horn of devil.

Well, the saints, the Satan's toe will be coming to you through Amazon.

All right, well, I guess we're gonna have a pickle challenge too, at some point, John.

Should I grow some Carolina reapers this summer?

And we'll revisit her pickle invitation after I grow some Carolina reapers so we can make some spicy pickles.

I did that one.

You.

Me?

Dude, what do you mean?

No, I did not.

This piece of.

Guys, he made me eat a pickled Carolina reaper.

And let me tell you, it's not worth it.

It.

Oh, it.

It was.

It was definitely worth it.

It was content, creatable, worthy.

Unfortunately, I didn't record it.

How you doing, Julia?

It.

It was.

It tasted good, though, didn't it, John?

It had good flavor.

Sure.

Not convincing.

Damn.

Not selling me on this.

Loved it.

You loved every moment of it, John.

On, nay, nay.

It was great.

Yeah, yeah.

No hard path.

All right, y'all, let's get off the pickles and go to the UK.

A man got arrested on April 15 for trying to exercise his neighbor's parrot.

Said it was cursing in tongues.

He threw holy water at it, and the parrot bit him.

And cops charged him with animal cruelty.

X users are squawking about parrot, priest.

Are all animals possessed?

Because now we've dealt with goldfish and parents parrots.

Okay, at first I thought you said exercising the parrot.

So you mean giving it exorcism.

Okay, an exorcism to a parrot.

He can't English.

It's okay.

No, I'm from Maine.

That's excise the demons from the parrot.

Not using bleach.

Not using bleach this time.

Actually using holy water, which you should be using even when you baptize.

Like, they like to, like, flap around it and clean themselves and preen.

So I don't see what the problem is.

And if the parrot bit them, I mean, like.

Like, parrots bite.

That's hazard ownership.

I don't see the issue here.

Like, maybe don't mess with somebody else's parrot for sure.

But, like, I don't really see what the real harm here was.

He got his punishment from the parrot.

So the parrot should be charged.

No.

Self defense.

Self defense.

But can an Animal claim self defense.

Doesn't matter in this regard.

He was being taunted.

Non owner.

It can claim self defense.

Oh, okay, you're going with that.

The parrot can talk.

The parrot can claim self defense.

Huh, I like that.

Yeah, let's go.

So if the goldfish could talk, the goldfish could claim self defense, right?

The goldfish can't talk.

It's dead.

That poor bastard.

Yeah.

But hey, that's all right because we all remember Shiny said it's okay to bleach goldfish.

That's not exactly what I said.

No, those words came out of your mouth.

They did.

Absolutely, absolutely did.

Did.

And that is why the crowd is all rallied up and donated for you to do the Satan's toe, because they realize you torture goldfish.

So.

And I want you to know that.

That it's our good buddy Raider that sent in the donation.

Oh, I know.

Oh, I know.

Raider, we can make sure that we clip it up.

And we'll make it send it to you for your.

Your podcast as well, so you can replay her suffering off the Satan's toe.

Raider, we'll make sure we clip it up.

Good for you.

Somehow this has all come full circle.

What do you.

What do you.

What do you mean by that?

I don't mean anything by that.

No.

What are you trying to say?

I'm just saying it's all just coming full circle.

How's it come full circle?

I'm confused.

It just has.

Can you elaborate?

No.

Are you saying that I'm dumb?

No, absolutely not.

I would never say.

Oh, well, that's not true.

I would never.

All right, for everybody, certain circumstances, for.

Everybody tuning on Tick Tock, we're gonna do a quick reset over on the Tick Tock, we're gonna go to the chat side so that way there we can get our flag off.

We'll get more people in here.

In the meantime, just to recap everybody, something's going on over here.

She thinks maybe they were in cahoots with Raider with his podcast.

Now, that's what I'm trying to get the gist out of it.

But that's okay because we are going to get Shiny to burn.

John will be singing Burn baby, Burn the whole time she's sucking on the Satan's toe.

John will be ordering that here, probably about near the end of the show.

It'll be a good one.

I can't wait to see her burn.

I just need the Addie.

The what?

The address.

The Addie.

Oh, the Addie.

Right.

Huh?

If she don't give Good luck with that.

Raider might get it.

Raider.

You have her address, right?

Raider?

No, I'll give you my address.

All right, y'all, now that we got an address coming in, let's talk about Arizona.

A guy got busted on April 20 for trying to pay his bar tab with his ex's underwear.

Said it was legal tender.

Bartender called the cops.

He's facing fraud charges.

And ex is laughing at panty pair trending right now.

Look up.

Hashtag panty prayer.

I mean, listen, maybe those.

Maybe those panties are worth a little bit of money.

If it was an of lady.

Maybe his ex is an of fan person.

I'm just.

Okay.

I kind of.

I kind of want to get behind this story because I had a friend of mine who actually was selling her panties, and she made a good bunch of money.

So in terms of, like, being able to get, like.

I mean, but you have to authenticate, right?

You have to show provenance.

So I think that that's where the fraud comes in, because you can't prove that these are worth the perceived value that he's applying to them.

Is it legal currency?

Obviously not.

I mean, hear me out.

Hear me out.

And some religions.

Religions, they could be considered legal currency.

But the only real question I have is, were they clean?

Yeah, they didn't save their cleaning.

See, if they're dirty, they're worth more.

That.

That is true.

They.

They got to be soiled to be worth anything.

Yeah.

And the longer that they were on.

They got to have that smell.

I mean, look, look, man, there's females out there making big bucks right now for selling the sweat that comes from underneath their tatas.

Really?

That's new.

I haven't heard that.

Can I do that?

You know, you probably could.

If you can even squeeze a little milk out of there, it might even be better.

That'd be a miracle.

Sure.

But no, they're.

They are selling their used undergarments that are dirty, and they're making a living off of this.

It's just like the person that sold those at Main Snow, There was a person that was literally really balling up snow and selling it on ebay, and people are paying hundreds of dollars for these jars of snow.

People will buy anything.

Yeah.

Interesting.

I mean, come on.

I sold the back of my neck on eBay 20 somewhat years ago.

Oh, yeah, I remember that.

How do you sell the back of your neck on ebay?

Now, I need explanations.

So the story on the back of my neck is back.

I'd say about 25 years ago.

My wife and I.

Before we.

Before we got our house and got our business and stuff, we were living a little bit on welfare.

So we're like, okay, we want to take our kids on a good vacation or get a good Christmas form.

So I posted the back of my neck on ebay and sold advertisement on the back of my neck.

It sold for $5,000.

And the company also paid to fly me out to Hollywood for the weekend, pay for the hotel, all my food, drinks, and stuff like that.

Took me to Universal Studios and just had a good old time.

$5,000.

Pretty sweet.

It's not a permanent tattoo.

Oh, it's 100.

A permanent tattoo.

It says, defying gravity.com by globat.com web hosting made easy.

And I keep it permanently.

It's permanently on the back of my neck.

Yeah.

Rotate, dog.

Yep.

Sold the back of my neck.

Listen, listen.

We're a bunch of dumbass asses.

You knew this coming into here.

I.

Okay, I.

Listen, I.

No, not to this.

I.

I mean, I knew there would be surprises.

We were clear on that.

Yes, but that's a new one.

I.

That.

Listen, if I had thought of this before he told me, I would have done it.

Why can't you still do it?

I don't think it's popular anymore.

It was a trend back then.

There's a guy.

I got the idea from a guy that sold his forehead on ebay.

There's a guy that's literally got.

He's a walking advertisement with a tattoo on his forehead.

I mean, I guess with those lasers now, you could get it removed if you really wanted to.

Yeah, but there are no lasers back then.

Cost even more.

Yeah, I meant, like, if you did that now.

Right.

I mean, the funny part is I got that before I even joined the military, so that my drill serge gave me so much with that tattoo on my neck, but it was great.

Oh, they must have loved you.

They absolutely did.

Yeah.

All right.

Okay.

I.

I just needed to know because I didn't understood what you meant by that.

I thought I was like, well, you clearly still have it, so you give it away.

No, it's a.

It's a story of my space.

Oh, yeah.

No, it's a complete story of where my wife and I came up from.

So we.

We use it as a motivational.

So it's great, Great.

Now.

Now we've own our own home and we're off welfare.

So it's good stuff.

Amen.

But let's go on to the next one.

A Colorado woman got arrested on April 17 for trying to smuggle 30 live frogs in a bra through an airport security said they were her emotional support frogs.

TSA caught her when one Croat.

She's now facing wildlife charges.

And X is hopping with memes on this one, ladies and gentlemen.

Why slimy little green things all up in your bra.

Try to get through on an airplane.

Emotional support.

Just.

John, would you stick frogs in your freaking underwear?

No.

Croak around there.

Tickle you.

Tickle your nuts.

Be like, no.

No.

They think there's a fly with your hair, so they try to stick out their tongue and they're giving you a little free licky lick.

Wait, Trying to walk through and you're just going, oh, right there.

Yep.

Just a little bit more.

Cue the music.

I mean, they do, like, the tropics, so you've got the right humidity for it, I guess.

Right?

For the frogs.

No, frogs are my fucking pants.

And you can't.

I mean, you wouldn't even be able to sit down.

They'd get squished.

And then you'd have, like, frog guts in your.

Oh, man, look.

Frog using guts.

Just scrolling down, please.

And you wear.

And you wear a short.

Next.

And you stand up.

There's just that green run goo coming down.

Oh, man, that'd be great.

Let's go.

Oh, man.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you're listening right now on the Apple podcast, want y'all to comment right now.

Would you go ahead and stick frogs in your bra or frogs in your underwear, in that matter, to sneak them on a plane?

I want to know.

Please let us know.

Comment in the comment section.

Tell us.

Would you let the frogs chill in your undergarments while you try?

We put, like, a max quantity on this.

Like, it was.

If it was just like, one.

No, no, we gotta.

We gotta go with 30.

We gotta do just like she did, her emotional support frog.

She put 30 of them.

Okay, do we know what kind of frogs these were?

Because I'm guessing they're probably, like the little baby.

The probably little froglets.

Yeah, yeah.

These aren't gonna be like little.

Yeah, like little froglets.

But, like, how do you not squish them?

Like, that's the thing.

Like, if you're wearing a.

I don't get it.

I mean, if they're in.

If they're in your tata holders, you're golden, right?

Because you're not really gonna squish them.

They're gonna be housed in there.

No, because, I mean, like, the only.

The only real area where you could do it is, like, at the top where like this part because like there's a little bit of it like give space like otherwise like they're getting smooshed in the cup.

We'll get that smushed.

They're housing them.

They kind of hold it tight and smooth in there.

Well, I mean like unless you're like an A cup and you're like putting something in there to make it look like you got a C or a D cup, like a little I, I ab.

I mean a woman with.

A woman with double D's could probably hold like 15 in each underneath and be gold.

Cuz.

No, I think it's.

I think it's the reverse logic because then you've got more like pushing against and now you're like like what's up, John?

The frogs.

I love that Shiny thinks that us as men know how bras work.

Like.

Well, I'm trying to explain it.

Well, I mean you do have a wife, so you should kind of know the concept of how bra works.

I know how to take one off.

But maybe she may, maybe she wasn't wearing a bra.

Maybe she wasn't wearing a tata holder.

So she was just letting them sag.

So that way there's there when they're sagging.

They were kind of holding down on the frogs and keeping them in place.

Maybe like, maybe she taped like a baggie across the top and then like shaped it to look like boobs on the side.

Maybe she had a little plastic baggie in there taped to her chest too for watering them so they can still drink while they're in there.

Yeah, maybe.

Or maybe she was melting.

Stupid bro.

Now you just like far.

Yeah, now you're getting unreal.

All right.

Y right up there.

I was right there with till then.

All right, let's go to some more up news.

Illinois.

A man got caught on April 19th trying to race a shopping cart down a highway.

Pushing into traffic at 2am he crashing into a semi, broke his arm and got arrested for reckless endangerment.

X calls him the cart racer.

I mean that sounds like fun to me to be dude.

It sounds like a great time.

What do you mean?

I mean when I go grocery shopping, I'm too far away from the return.

Of course I'm riding that straight to the return.

I get a running head start and I'm riding that straight down.

And then all the kids are looking at their mommies wanting to do it.

Their mom's a yelling at them.

Call me an idiot, but you know, hey, it's fun.

Yeah, I'm okay.

I'M kind of with you in the parking lot, but on the highway, like, those wheels are probably going, like, wobbly.

And like.

And like, he's lucky that all he got was a broken arm.

Like, dude should be dead.

Can we get a shopping cart and do a video?

Like, have the shopping cart tied to my vehicle.

Yes.

And we'll drive around the block, like, with it.

Yes.

That does sound like fun.

I'm game.

You're game for that one.

That we will have to do that.

You have health insurance.

Oh, that.

And is it up to date?

And do you have 911 on speed dial?

Yes, yes, yes.

And will you be telling your wives ahead of time that you plan to do this?

No, mine will already know.

Yeah, because she's gonna listen to the show.

My.

My wife, I don't think is listening to the show.

She ain't commented yet.

So I think she.

She won't know until we do it.

Good luck.

But.

But.

But I'll say this.

Our wives do know when we get together in person, a lot of dumb happen.

Yes.

That.

They do know that.

I mean, when John met his wife while living in my house, it was all due to stabbing himself in his leg.

Right.

Okay, we're gonna need that story, too.

Listen, John going through.

It's going through nicotine withdrawals because I couldn't vape in his house.

Okay, well, you still did.

Well, yeah, but not as much as I wanted to.

Yeah, but isn't vaping just water vapor?

Like, why can't you vape in someone's house?

Like, what's.

He would have set up my smoke detectors too.

Yeah, they.

They go off with smoke.

Like, set up.

All right, bye, guys.

Moving on.

So you stabbed your leg because.

Playing with a pizza box with a knife, I was stabbing it, and I went a little too deep.

And I'm upstairs.

I think I was watching tv or I might have been on my computer.

No, no, no, no, no, dude, you were at work with the wife.

Was I at work?

And you sent.

I think it was Zachary.

Oh, my son.

That's right.

Down to check on me, dude.

That's right.

Yeah, that's right.

Yeah.

Because I got a phone call from the two females, your wife and the other female there.

I'm trying to keep names out of it, saying John stabbed himself.

Like, what do you mean?

So I had to call my son.

I'm like, can you go down and check on John?

And supposedly he stabbed himself right in the leg.

I'm sure there was a knife in his leg.

Okay, wait and how old were you?

This is like four years ago.

31.

Listen, I've done a lot of growing up.

No, you, Evan.

I would like to challenge that, John.

We're willing to pull a shopping cart behind the car to see what the hell happens.

We have not grown up.

We.

We are trapped in 19 year olds body.

19 year old mindsets with.

You're not wrong.

Yeah.

Oh.

All right, y'all, moving on Here we got a Georgia woman who got busted on April 16 for trying to hypnotize her neighbor's dog with a swinging paw watch.

Said it was stealing her thoughts.

The dog bitter.

The cops charged her with trespassing.

And X users are howling at the dog whisperer.

Everything seems to be pet related.

What is going on with animals these days?

We got people eating them in Ohio.

Move on.

Next.

You don't want to talk about hypnotizing animals, John.

No, I don't.

Have you ever been hypnotized?

No.

No.

By the look of your face, I feel like you might have.

No.

Shiny's holding up her.

I'm guessing Shiny has been hypnotized.

What happened during this hypnotism?

So I went to, well, the university I attended, they did like this whole psychology class in mass and it was in an auditorium and they picked out a slew of people to go through this whole exercise.

And they hypnotized the whole group of us, supposedly.

I.

I'm not gonna say the stupid.

I did because we don't need to know that.

That's irrelevant.

It's just.

It's.

I don't.

I can't explain.

I can't explain it.

I can't explain what happened.

You said supposedly, but now you're saying you did stupid.

So the hypnotism worked.

Because otherwise why would have you done the stupid?

Unless you're just like it.

I'm gonna do it.

Did.

I don't know.

I did a lot of stupid back then.

I mean, why did I join up with the ROTC to go jump down the side of a building?

Who wouldn't do that?

Well, somebody who froze halfway down the building who might have been this jackass, that's who.

I don't know.

It was, you know, repel on delay.

No, they had to send people to come down to come get me.

But yes, that is exactly what happened.

After I broke a window.

It.

Whatever.

Whatever happens.

Oh, happens.

Did you.

No, but I probably was close.

No, that.

Now they only had that issue after I had kids, but I never had an issue before.

Kids.

Dude, I'm telling you, every female that has kids, man, they got a piss like crazy.

It's like they can't even hold the piss, dude.

They'll tackle you like football and throw you against the wall just so they get to the bathroom for you to piss.

I will.

That's crazy.

I can't sneeze.

I can't sneeze.

Like, literally, if I know sneezes is coming on.

I gotta squeeze for all I'm worth.

I gotta squeeze every midsection muscle I got.

It sucks.

Giants.

Thank God.

Thank God.

Yeah.

I don't think I could handle having a period.

Cramps.

We're eventually gonna do that.

Oh, I gotta add that to the shopping list.

Actually, that's the.

I want to see that YouTube put those cramp simulators on.

You know what?

Listen, I.

I have those.

Those thingies.

I can do it and I'll do it at the same freaking time.

We'll order two.

We'll put two of them on our Amazon wish list.

I'm gonna create one for the podcast.

We'll put them on the Amazon wishlist so people can order for us and.

Yeah, so people can order us those pregnant simulators.

And John and I will do those on the show.

We've already talked about you.

I already got them.

I got them.

I got one.

We.

I can use Marte.

She wouldn't tell us what happened.

She just said she did stupid when she was hypnotized.

Listen, I can't.

I didn't.

I don't actually know everything I did.

I only know bits and pieces from what other people told me.

So in other words, hypnotism does work then?

Yes, apparently so.

I mean, like, to me, like, I.

I still don't believe that it.

I mean, I think that there's some psychology to it, like some sort of suggestive manipulation.

I.

I don't know.

I don't know enough about.

I just don't think that you can legitimately hypnotize another person.

If anybody knows of anybody that's a hypnotization whatever out there that possibly if hypnotism can be done via online or whatever.

If anybody knows of a hypnotist, please have them reach out to me.

I would love to have them on the show and see if they can hypnotize all three of us on the show.

That would be fun.

So if anybody knows of somebody that does hypnotism, please let me know.

Have them reach out to us and let's see if we can get them to hypnotize us.

On the show.

That would be a blast.

Shoddy.

You don't know what you signed up for.

Right.

I.

I kind of told John.

This is kind of like a jackass of online podcasting where we're gonna do stupid.

And the hypnotism would be a fun one.

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I mean, listen, I.

At this point, like, what the.

What do I got to lose?

Tick tock says I.

Yeah, Left coast guy.

I bet there's a video of it, too.

But I would much rather have the hypnotist on this show because I think that'd be better.

There goes John sticking a pickle in his mouth.

I always knew he floated the other way.

Well, John's sucking on his pickle over there.

Let's talk about a.

A guy in Nevada who got arrested on April 14 for trying to sell his neighbor's mailbox on Facebook.

Marketplace listed it as vintage for a hundred dollars.

The neighbor caught him, the cops charged him with theft, and X is buzzing with mailbox bandit memes.

Blah.

Taking your neighbor.

What would possess somebody to take their neighbor's mailbox?

His neighbor must be named Karen.

Yeah, John, what are you thinking?

That's the only thing I can think of.

Would you take your neighbor's mailbox, John?

No, I just blow it up with an M80.

That sounds like fun.

Or.

But he.

Remember being back in the day.

Good old Main.

Grab a baseball bat, go driving down the country road to that baseball bat, Hang out the window and just go, boom.

And see how much you could hit as you're going.

See how many mailboxes you can take out.

So many felonies.

Oh, man, it's good times.

But then it sucks if someone's got, like, concrete in that mailbox.

No.

And they break your arm.

Why would you risk that?

Like, because it's fun.

Fun.

I.

Yeah, I know, but there's so many other ways to have fun.

Not in Maine.

Like, in Maine, we do stupid, like, cow tipping.

Like, shoot fireworks at each other.

Oh, yeah.

Seem like that's fun.

But no, like, mailbox hitting is a blast.

I gotta step away from it.

So you legitimately may or may not have actually been okay.

Good stuff, John.

Like, they're saying an ASMR stream.

Pickles so crunchy.

You love those pickles, don't you, John?

I thought they were supposed to be soft.

Aren't pickles soft and mushy.

John?

You handle those pickles on the pipe of that vape so well.

Well, folks, stay tuned in after we get through a few more of these News stories.

We are going to be opening up the phone lines for y'all, so just stay tuned, y'all.

Those will be coming soon.

Roman Candle wars.

I'm down.

Yeah, See that?

I could.

I could see that.

I'll mark up all day.

Let's go.

We'll have to do.

We'll have to find a place.

We do it because they made them illegal, like the fireworks.

That illegal in a lot of these.

Isn't there still that same pit in.

In Dayton?

Yeah.

Yes.

Maybe.

I don't know if it's public, if they got open to the public.

I.

I know a guy that works at the Dayton sand and Gravel.

Oh, there we go.

We can do it there.

What are you doing at the sand pit?

Well, you shoot at the.

Shooting each other with fireworks.

Shooting each other fireworks.

Or you go shooting there.

They'll open up the sand pit for people and let you fire off rounds over there.

It's good times.

True story.

All right, y'all.

Let's talk about a Missouri man who got caught on April 18th trying to marry his inflatable pool float in a public park.

Said it was his summer soulmate.

He humped it in front of the kids, and the cops arrested him for public indecency and ex debates if he's a floaty sexual.

Just like John is a game sexual.

And now we got floaty sexuals out there as well.

Floaty sexual is my new favorite word.

When we get my pool opened up, I'm so making a.

A video of me going at it with a pool floating on.

I'm a floaty section.

I do it.

We're gonna have those sexy music going on and everything.

Oh, it'll be great.

Does it have can holders and does it have the viewfinder in the headrest?

It does not tell us any of that.

It just tells us a floaty.

I don't know, but I'm just saying.

Like, floaties are really cheap.

That's.

That's great content, not durable.

Cheap date.

Hey, as long as he ate that point he didn't pop it.

At least.

I can't.

I think we broke her.

A floaty sexual.

Was it done?

It might have been donut shaped.

Marty, they don't tell us the shape of this floating.

But if it's a donut shape, how.

Small is the donut to make it worth his while?

Would probably have to be pretty small.

Price of gas is going down, so I don't see why this guy did this, but a Tennessee man got arrested on April 17 for trying to pay for gas.

With live chicken.

Said it was barter.

Gas station clerk called the cops.

He's facing theft charges.

And the chickens now living at the station.

And the ex people have named them Chicken Fuel.

It kind of sounds like they accepted the chickens.

They didn't give him back.

Well, he got arrested though, so now the chickens are kind of there.

The cops ain't going to take the chickens to the station, though.

But they could bring him back to wherever he lives.

Would they, though, in property?

Not necessarily.

I mean, if they're not accepting it as payment, they have to give the chickens back.

It's evidence.

They can make chicken nuggets.

It's still his property.

If they're not accepting it as payment, they have to return the chicken.

No, they're not his property anymore.

Once you get arrested, you lose all your rights.

No, I mean, because then if it was evidence, it would have to go to, like, the evidence locker at the jail at the police station.

Right.

So then you're not wrong.

Buddy is keeping the chickens, thereby which the station accepted payment in the form of the chickens.

I don't know, man.

Yes.

Chicken nuggets.

Chicken nuggets.

I mean, yeah, maybe if they're able to convert that chicken food and then sell the food.

Food for the barter, then it works, but.

But.

Okay, okay, so what if it was a dog?

Are you gonna say, like, okay, well, now we're killing.

Well, it depends.

Are we living in Ohio?

Dog's payment.

Are we living in Ohio?

Doesn't say, does it?

No, but if we're living in Ohio, then cooking a dog might make sense.

I'm just saying you wouldn't do.

I mean, like, you might make chicken nuggets, but you wouldn't necessarily do it with a dog outside of Ohio, apparently.

Chicken tendies.

Chicken tendies.

Hold on, I gotta go shut my kids door real quick.

Listen, listen.

All I'm saying is.

Listen.

Linda, listen, Linda.

All I'm saying is that Mark G guy, it's got the tiniest little hell.

Hey, what's up, buddy?

How you doing?

Hey, brother.

What's going on?

Tiniest little what?

You all right, y'all?

In Washington, a couple got caught on April 20th.

Hey.

Having sex in a church confessional during Sunday mass.

Said they were confessing their sins.

Parishioners heard them.

Priests called the cops and they're facing public indecency charges.

X is praying for their souls.

Okay, so I have questions because someone on this show may or may not have done something similar without getting caught, but still not feeling like this was A bad deal in a church.

I call it inappropriate.

I would know.

Do not.

Not in a church that is God's.

Oh, that's holy home.

During services, like, active.

It was okay, you know, like.

Okay, you know, like Antioch.

You know what an Antioch weekend is?

No.