Prepare for Chaos: Episode 8 Unveils P Diddy Drama and Viewer Call-Ins

Hi, my name is John S.

And I'm a game sexual.

One's a grunt, one's a squid talking.

Trash like a couple of kids.

No script, no plan, just running their mouths.

If you don't like chaos, better tap out.

We got bad jokes, worst taste, eating like trash, saying what we think.

No filter, no clue, no rules, no shame.

If it don't make sense, who's to blame?

Not us.

Not us.

So grab a beer, sit back, don't stress.

It's just two dumb vets making a mess.

We're fucked.

Yeah baby.

Listen up folks.

We got a panda in the screen, but let me just put it out this way.

Welcome to Chaos Cadre, the show where we roast harder than a kitchen fire at a vegan barbecue.

I'm mark G.

A 40 year old ex army hot sauce junkie with 5 kids running wild like a pack of rabid squirrels a gun night who'd rather fish than admit my twitch streams dinner than a car batted taxidermy convention.

I'm a walking midlife crisis who lose a roast battle to my own tackle box.

A sad SAP drowning in a kiddie pool of failure.

And then of course we got John S.

My co host, a 42 year old, 37 year old whatever navy vet pickle freak whining like a toddler who lost his vape at a bounce house.

He's a trampoline arcade clown crying for cream like a dairy cow at a vegan rally.

His dream so boring he'd get banned from a Chuck E.

Cheese for putting the kids to sleep and a vape sobbing sad clown.

And tonight, who's off screen right now because he doesn't know how to work his stream.

Our Buddy Marty, a 53 year old TikTok game host on desperate hunt for a blonde sugar mama to fund his midlife crisis.

He torches me and John like a sadistic game show host.

This discount Ryan se of the Internet chasing blondes like his hairline chases the horizon.

A sugar mama hunty creepy.

Speaking of torture, Marty sent me and John a mystery package by the way, last week.

We still haven't opened it and we're freaking out about what's inside.

Knowing this guy's twisted games is a glitter bomb, a dead fish or something even worse, maybe a blonde wig for his sugar mama fantasies.

Marty, when do you want us to crack this thing open?

Tonight?

Or are you just going to keep us sweating like a couple of chumps?

Well, we'll wait.

Hi Yeti and let me Jessica, John what is going on?

My man, how are you?

Yo, what's up, Benjamin?

How you doing, buddy?

Hello, John.

Hi.

How are you?

I'm Mark G.

Nice to meet you.

I just want to say I just said hi, John.

How are you?

You nut.

I don't give a about you.

I care about chat.

Well, good, because I'm asking you how you are you.

How you doing?

I'm better.

Good, I'm glad you're better.

How was your.

How was your week?

Chris says it's a glitter bomb.

I love it.

If it's a glitter bomb, that'll.

Oh, Everyone is in chat.

Quick, shut off your cameras.

How.

How was your week, John?

It was a week, dude.

It was a week.

Fantastic.

Did you get all that itching powder out of you that night?

Sure did.

Wash.

Wash your nut sack right off.

Came off pretty good.

Did you play a little extra time in there?

I'm only thinking about you, Marty.

What's going on, Satan?

What's happening, Raider?

How are y' all?

My head is so big because my camera's closer than both of theirs because I'm sitting at my desk, and if I sit any further back, my camera's right there.

John's just gonna get himself a better camera.

You can't hear me.

John's just gonna get himself a better camera.

That's all.

We're working on it, John.

By the way, speaking of better equipment, my brother finally mailed out that package today.

Oh, so now I have to buy the cable in the mic?

Yes, you got to buy the cable and mic so we can get you fully set up.

Word.

All right, folks, let's talk to the man who is out here looking for the sugar mamas.

Our oldest guest yet, mister.

Actually, no.

Wait, no.

I believe the lady on before us is right around the same age as you, isn't she?

No, she's definitely younger.

Is.

She's in her 60s, ain't she?

You know who he reminds me?

I took the boat over here.

Okay, come on, now.

Who does Marty remind you of?

You ever seen Big Daddy?

I have not seen Big Daddy, no.

Well, you.

There's an old guy on there that works at Hooters as a fry cook.

Ah, so reminds you that fry cook.

Yeah, that guy.

I mean, no, I was gonna say kind of remind me of Weekend at Bernie's.

The dead guy.

Yeah, the dead guy.

The dead guy.

Welcome to the dead man Talking.

That'd be a up podcast.

Imagine having a podcast where you just talk to the dead.

Hey, quick question.

Is anyone else's glitching out, or is it just me?

What do you mean, glitching out?

What are you having issues with, like, the video?

Well, I don't know.

My keeps going blue.

Like, my natural skin color.

I've been watching.

Like, I have to put my hand up here to get natural skin color, and then my goes blue.

I don't know what's going on with the video.

I'm turning into a smurf today.

Maybe because we're talking about ghosts that maybe.

Hey, they're with me now.

Hey, maybe, dude.

Maybe did we.

Satan.

Okay, cool.

Okay.

I should probably lay off the drugs, right?

Or did Marty.

Or is this box legitimately from Marty, not Amazon?

And Marty's drugging us right now.

We don't even know it.

I'm creating chaos.

That's what I do.

Maybe Marty's drugging us already.

Yeah.

Do you guys want them to open their boxes?

Yeah.

I've got a lot of news for y' all.

We got some.

We got some news.

Regards to P.

Diddy today.

We also got some up news.

Oh, yeah, we got some more drugs.

We got.

We got some P.

Diddy.

So, yeah, let me ask you chat.

Do you want us to go straight in the P.

Diddy, or do you want us to check out what Marty sent us?

The surprise package?

Let's see.

This is.

We have no clue what's in this package.

Marty did tell us that we should wear a shirt that we don't like.

I've got one here that I will put on once I figure out the hell's in this box.

I do have a backup shirt, but.

But, Chad, I want to put it on now.

Chad.

Chad, what do you.

What do y' all think?

Should I put on the shirt now?

Do the package first.

Is anybody else.

Mindy's the only one that's saying doing the package first, so.

Is everybody else asleep out there?

I mean, I need more people.

Put it on before you open it.

Yes.

All right.

Put on.

All right, let me.

Let me swap shirts here.

So y' all take it.

Y' all want us to open up this pack?

I'm gonna be very honest with you.

If this is a glitter bomb, bro, and I got glitter all over my setup, you're personally flying your ass here, and you're cleaning it.

Oh, I'll suck it with my own mouth.

What the.

Yo, what's up, Garrett?

I'll lick it all up.

What?

All right, Mark G.

Show.

Grab your box.

That's a ugly shirt, Mark.

Okay, open your boxes.

This shirt is my box.

Mark.

All right.

Showing that it's sealed.

Sealed and delivered.

Sealed.

Open it up.

You know, I was surprised at how fast this came.

Now I have connections.

It's a box.

Perfect.

You got a box.

John.

John, we got a box.

It's actually a box in a box and a box in a box and a box in a box.

In a box.

It's a box.

It's a box.

I mean, hold on now.

Now I'm gonna have to find it.

Now I'm gonna have to find.

Oh, John, I ain't there yet.

I came prepared.

All right.

I'm good.

Well, team Carrie, we have a mystery box sent to us by Marty.

We don't know what the hell he sent us and supposedly he's gonna have a fun little game.

We had to wear shirts that we don't like.

Like also don't explode.

It's a bottle.

What's the bottle?

What is it?

It's, it's called Liquid Ass.

Oh, liquid Ass.

I wonder.

It's called Liquid Ass.

Is there liquid in there?

Shake it.

Hold on.

Yeah, that's.

That sounds like a night out on a Friday.

That's terrible.

Yeah, I'm not sure, John, 20 minute.

Timer you can put up.

I, I don't have.

I don't.

We'll have to go by the clock down here.

Okay.

Hold on.

John, should we, should we take the cap off and just take a whiff?

Wait, should I.

Real quick here, Marty.

Should I close my office door?

Possibly.

John, I'm going to tell you right now.

I, I remember when I used to work for a company called Aaron.

Yes.

I used this stuff before when customers that didn't pay and they didn't want to answer the door, I sprayed on their doorknob.

So I kind of know how this smells.

You don't have to shut your door.

Yeah, we're going to minimize it is.

It's going to be close proximity.

I'm.

But I, I do say, listen, I'm not concerned about my health and well being.

We all know that.

I, I, I do dumb for money, but like, is it gonna wake up my wife?

No, it won't wake up your wife.

But I say, John, you and I, right now, we're gonna pop the cap and we're gonna take a whiff.

I want to see how potent is.

Not that bad.

All right, what you're gonna do, this little chest area is where you're gonna be spraying it so it doesn't permeate the room.

It'll go into the fabric of your clothing.

Oh, boy.

So only you guys can enjoy.

You incompetent, bro.

You don't understand.

That's a running thing with this guy.

Incompetent.

It got a little bit on the.

Fingertips for 20 minutes, because it wears off after 20 minutes, and we'll do it again.

Oh, so we're gonna do the whole show smelling.

I don't want to get.

All right.

I don't want to get my headphones.

Yeah, don't get it all over your home.

Take the headphones off for a minute, Jarl.

This is liquid ass.

It's butt crack smell fart prank spray.

How close do I need to spray this dude?

Yeah, so it's liquid ass, Jarl.

That's what he sent us here.

Right in this area, right in the kill shot.

Oh, me?

Just give a couple sprays.

You'll be fine.

That literally smells like rotten.

Right there.

Kills you.

And the reason we're doing this, guys, is because next week, John agreed to do laxatives.

And where?

Depends.

Throughout the whole show.

We didn't hit the goal.

Yeah, we didn't hit the goal.

No one.

They didn't donate.

They only donated 40 bucks.

I haven't sent it yet.

Do this to me, bro.

This is punishment enough, bro.

Like, don't do this.

Well, I won't be here next week.

I don't care.

Don't do this.

Dude, can I say that it smells, like, really badly right now?

But you know what?

The good thing is, my kids are still young, so I'm kind of used to the smell.

For those who know this, right?

Oh, yeah.

Every time.

Right?

There's the kill shot right in between the fubar.

That's why I sprayed.

John, what did you spray?

Oh, dude, I sprayed.

All right.

Here.

Oh, dude, you went above and beyond.

Okay, I did a squirt.

He said to do a couple squares.

What's up, sclers?

How you doing?

1.

One doesn't do it for everyone in chat.

That doesn't my sister.

I wish you would order you one.

Did just start streaming book reviews and so definitely check her out.

I shouldn't have sniffed.

I can smell you.

Yeah, Marty, you just make sure you picked up that clip, didn't you?

Well, I donate just so John could get laxatives.

I started for it.

Yes, Jessica, you started this trend.

Oh, my God.

I'll tell you what.

I'll do one more kill shot.

Mindy, I.

I'll give you another spray.

Right on the nipple.

Do it on the nipple.

Do it right on your neck.

Right on your neck.

Right there.

There you Go.

Oh.

Oh, my God.

Me.

You're a monster.

Oh, dude, that's a big one, too.

Holy.

Dude, it literally smells like sas.

Sasquatch took a fat on my chest.

Yeah, with burnt baby hair.

All right, well, let's try getting through some news.

Let me get a drink that's going to really with the flavor of my.

Drink, ain' I'm afraid to take a drink.

I'm afraid to hit my vape.

No, I'm gonna hit my vape.

It's okay.

It's okay, Marty.

Yeah, at least I make you spray.

Marty.

Marty, this smells.

The.

Smells like a septic tank gun bad.

Kind of a day like, like, tank exploded in your backyard.

Yeah.

Kind of looks like you're enjoying it.

No, it's more tolerable than the itching.

Very much so.

But it's.

It's very disturbing.

It's an extremely disturbing.

Smells like someone on my chest.

Yeah, like they want you to like your beard.

Like, you know.

Oh, my God.

I'm not spraying my face.

No, I.

Listen, I'm not playing on trying to take a shot.

I'm already gonna be scrubbed.

I'll tell you what, dude, I'll spray my face for 50.

Don't take it to work.

Oh, John.

John, you should definitely.

Since funny monkeys act just said don't take it to work.

You should really take it to work.

Yeah, you guys can have fun with it.

No, yeah, we can have some major fun with it.

All right, listen up, ladies and gentlemen.

I was battling on Tick toc.

How much for.

For how much again, Raider As.

Oh, John.

Fifteen hundred dollars and I'll spray it on my goatee.

Oh, dear God.

Mary should help so John could do the lax.

Just because I don't.

I don't know why you all want to see me.

That stuff is great.

Perfect for messing with people in the military.

Like dumping some of the bottle in the command.

Oh, my God.

The command tense AC system.

That.

That's so wrong, Gerald.

Oh, wait till you see the Snapchat market, Marty.

Oh, boy.

All right, y' all.

Just so everybody knows, we were battling earlier as it smells like right now in my studio, I was battling Ryan Will, and they were talking about P.

Did.

How you doing, baby?

There was some interesting stuff that came out about P.

Diddy.

We all know about P.

Diddy's party, right?

Yes, Y.

Well, apparently Sean pd, you know, is this whole Hollywood orgy and like that there's some skeletons in his closet.

Regards to Prince, the Purple Rain icon himself.

That's right.

I grew up with him.

Yeah.

That was Prince.

Yep.

Roger Nelson.

He got a name drop that had everyone's jaws dropping on the floor.

Cassandra Cassie, who's been on the stands testifying on May 14, she was at once in a lifetime party at Prince's LA house with the man himself performing.

When P.

Diddy crashed the scene uninvited, she freaked, fell into some bushes, tried to bolt, and ran into a hotel to claim Diddy assaulted her.

Later that night at the Beverly Hills Hotel, there was chatter about secret recordings of Diddy threatening Prince.

This is what everybody's saying right now in the idiot.

He threatening Prince.

Tell him that Prince says anything regards to Diddy's parties, his.

What do they call them, Freak shows or freak parties, whatever it is that he would unalive them.

What?

Yep.

But because I.

I was told this a couple hours ago, I did do some research out on X, I tried looking up some other stuff.

There are no tapes.

This was mentioned in court.

Oh my.

Smells like acid.

All right, there's no tapes, just.

Just stories in regards to everything in Cassie's testimony.

So there's no proof that Diddy did say this.

But could it be true?

With everything else that we're hearing about Diddy with his freak off parties and the underage things that he's had there, I don't know.

Look up princess.

Cause of death.

I just.

I just want to say that for everyone on the Internet to know and the FBI and the CIA and everyone else, I outed Diddy, so you should definitely come kill me.

Oh dear God.

Where did Marty go again?

He's like torturing us and keeps going to panda face.

I'm gonna take death over this smell.

Do you understand that?

This smell like fades for a second and then it's like, hey, I'm back here.

And it woofs.

Why did I just woof up?

Oh, it like.

It like goes away for a second, Marty, and then it woofs back up.

Right?

That's why I gotta do it every 20 minutes during the show.

You never said every 20 minutes.

Yeah, he did.

He told us every 20 minutes.

He asked me if I had a 20min time.

He wants us to respray every 20 minutes.

I wasn't listening.

Yeah, John, you should really start listening.

Like I really want to vomit right now.

It like, it's.

I smell this at work.

You probably got a lot of kids that themselves, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

See, you should be used to it.

I mean, I'm used to it.

It just, it's.

It's like it's there.

It's there.

It's a horrible smell.

But also during the Diddy case, John, who killed.

Who killed Tupac?

Well, yeah, the bullet, Obviously the bullet.

So Biggie Smalls is who you're saying killed tupac?

I'm like 92 sure, but I'm not sure.

Okay.

Prince died due to an accident drug overdose.

However, it is reported that the scene of his last moments appeared to be a struggle.

Yes, I killed him.

You killed.

Dear God, John.

John's trying to get the feds knocking on his door.

Listen, he died on the opioids because I was too busy butt him.

Oh, dear God.

Tupac is still alive.

Mindy says.

Yep.

Davis, the guy who's charged with Tupac's murder, where he claims Diddy offered him a million dollars to take out Tupac and such knight during the east west coast rap wars.

You all remember that?

I mean, John, are you old enough to remember that though?

The east coast and west coast rap wars?

I mean, I heard about it when I was younger, but I don't really remember it.

See, I do remember it.

Shut up, you all.

I am all.

Listen, I am all.

Let's not talk about my age.

It's getting too personal, too close right now.

Wait, let's talk about.

Wait, you guys, wait.

You know what tomorrow is?

What's tomorrow?

Yeah, tomorrow.

Wife's 31st birthday.

Let me tell you something.

Birthday.

She's gonna listen to this in the morning and go, you guys are stupid.

Oh, she's happy.

Your wife actually told you that you're an idiot for being friends with me last week.

I know, dude.

Your wife literally said, john, you're a idiot for being friends with mine.

Yeah.

What are you on the phone when she said it?

No, I think I went in grocery shopping.

So this happened in between the time when I was buying groceries.

Should we sing Happy Birthday to her?

No, let's wait till the end of the show.

Wait till the end of the show to sing Happy Birthday.

Yeah, we may lose a lot of viewers if we do the happy birthday thing right now, I think.

But needless to say, the reason why this all happened is Diddy offered this million dollar bounty on Tupac's head right after that hit track of Hit Him Up.

John, do you remember the song Hit him up where Tupac says, that's why I your.

You fat?

Yep.

Marty, do you remember the song by Tupac or did you listen to Tupac back?

Briefly.

Briefly.

Okay.

So even though he offered Keith that Diddy also has been alleged that at a party, he offered this million dollar bounty to anybody that would take Tupac out.

So this is showing up in the courts of.

Well, what's going on, Blake?

How are you, my man?

Hi, Daryl, Daryl.

And Daryl.

So my question is, with all the stuff coming out with Diddy, do y' all think Diddy's gonna stay in jail or do you think he's going to get out?

Oh, yeah, nobody wants to.

The had like a mountain of lube in his house, bro.

Like, he ain't getting out.

Dude.

Did you know that the court.

In the court documents, they've.

He was busted by.

Oh, what do you want to call it there?

The people that check your bags and TSA.

TSA.

He was busted by TSA with, like, 10 bottles of lubricant in his bag.

What was his excuse?

They didn't put his excuse in the court documents, but yeah, it was 10 bottles of lube that they found in his bag.

That's all in the court documents.

Like the court case to.

Dude, there's so much that's came out this week that's in regards to the court case.

It's crazy.

We'll talk about more next week as well.

But I just.

I had to bring it up because people are talking about and they're saying all the stuff that he killed Prince and this came out, so I wanted to research it.

There's nothing about him.

It's not gay.

If it's the tsa.

Let's go.

Daryl with not gab.

It's tsa.

Jarl, you're a moner, buddy.

I love it.

Hello.

How are you?

Well, I'm drying up a little bit.

Let's go.

Yeah, we got.

You got 10 minutes.

10 minutes.

Okay, ex.

This is keeping track.

It's.

It's fading a little bit.

It's fading a little bit.

So we're doing all right.

Thank God.

I told you it fades every 20 minutes.

It does, absolutely.

Now if only you would fade every 20 minutes.

Oh, dear God.

Wow.

Damn.

I don't want to touch my pouch here.

Ah, there he goes.

There's the panda.

What the.

John, you keep bringing the panda out.

That's like every five minutes for him.

Can I.

Yo, what's up, star?

What did they make with this here?

I don't know, dude.

Did you look at the ingredients?

I'm looking right now.

It absolutely does not tell you what's made in this?

It's basically sulfur, but it tells you.

If you get in your.

Yeah, but if you get it, you got to drink two full glasses of water.

I kind of want to do it.

Dude, do not.

I mean, I would laugh if you did like a finger dab to try tasting it, but I guarantee you would puke on stream.

I guarantee.

Spray your finger, John, and just go like this.

I guarantee you'd puke on stream, John.

For the right amount of money.

I will.

It didn't fade after 20 minutes in that AC unit.

Listen, listen, chat, listen.

If you want to donate to help me make my wife's birthday great, tomorrow, I'll do pretty much anything for the right amount.

Oh, dear God.

Yeah.

He still has to buy his wife a present.

Yeah, honestly, I do.

Dude.

John, what is it that you won't do for money?

I.

I won't kill someone for money.

Okay, well, that's a good thing.

I'm reraising your phone number.

It's like a moderation phone number.

I'm not associated with this.

That smell is very brutal.

All I do is smell every time I move my head for the guys.

That are just now coming in.

Also, I just want to let you know that we just sprayed like, what was it, 10 minutes ago, dude?

Yeah, 10 minutes ago.

Liquid ass.

Nine minutes ago.

Yeah, yeah, Liquid ass fart spray onto our shirts directly.

And it's very permeated.

Yeah, this shirt's going in the trash can after this.

And probably the wife beater, too.

I supposedly.

That's offensive, by the way.

Wife beaters.

Apparently that's a new thing that those shirts.

Wife beaters are offensive, bro.

That's just a bunch of snowflake being sensitive.

Like, they've been called wife beaters ever since I was a kid.

Yeah, dude, same.

I mean, do I wear undershirt, Marty?

You wear undershirts?

No, you go straight chesting it.

All right, John.

Hello, John, what about you?

You wear a wife beater, John?

I used to, dude, when I was in the military, and when I got out, I just found it uncomfortable.

Really?

I find him still comfortable as, man.

I like them.

I don't even wear whitey ties anymore, thank God.

Well, I don't wear whitey tighties neither, man.

You probably wear the brown Thunders, though, don't you?

No, no, you don't rock the Brown Thunders.

You don't like that?

Nice hugging around your nutsack and just rocking the brown Thunders.

No, no, dude, we go.

So you know what?

Whitey tighties are, Marty.

Well, in the military they're Brown Thunders because your underwear is brown.

Okay, so we call.

They were nicknamed Brown Thunders.

Good for you.

And the glasses.

Marty's so lost right now.

And the glasses you're wearing, Marty, your.

Your glasses, your prescription glasses would not look like that.

They'd be really round and bulky.

Yeah, they'd be called bcgs.

I had a pair actually.

You want to see?

They're called.

You know what the BCG stands for, Marty?

Big givers.

No, do you want to see?

Do you want to see what they look like?

Guys chat.

Do you want to see what I look like wearing BCGs?

Oh, go get your BCGs, dude.

Go get your BCGs.

I have a picture.

I don't have like.

Yeah, go get the picture of you wearing the bcg.

So Marty, while he's doing that, BCG stand for birth control glasses.

What?

Yeah, that's what they stand for.

Birth control glass.

So we had our brown Thunder underwear and then BCGS was birth control glasses.

Because he looks so shitty, nobody want to sleep with him.

Exactly.

The.

These glasses are up.

Luckily I was another prescribed because of my glasses.

Yes, the birth control glasses.

Jarl, let's preface this with I was not a very good looking young man in the military and not much has changed.

People do not judge me on this.

Oh, we're judging.

It's a very serious giving.

The photographer.

Who the is that?

Look at those birth control glasses right there.

Look at those sexy things.

Oh my God.

What the hell?

Why did you save that?

Because you saved that, Marty.

I got my Marty.

I got my basic training phone hanging on the wall.

My house too.

Oh my God.

I didn't save it.

My mama did.

And then she gave it to me last year with a bucket of like all my like baby pictures.

Dude, don't you hate when your mothers do that?

Like, I got a four copies of my birth certificate thing.

What do I need four copies for, Dude?

My mother gave me weren't adopted.

My mother gave me a Christmas ornament that I made back in kindergarten.

All it is is this big messy, jumbled up paper mache blue ball thing.

I'm like, that is not going on my Christmas tree.

Hey, when I grew up, we were making ashtrays out of clay.

Okay?

Hey, been there.

That's a good gift right there.

When I went through basic, I started at 170.

Started at 175 pounds.

I lost so much weight I had to eat five times a day.

Then left basic at 195.

So when I.

Listen.

When I went to basic training dry, I weighed 160 pounds when I came out you, Benjamin.

Let's go.

I mean, you're not wrong.

I am one ugly.

Probably, right?

So anyway, when I came out of basic training, I was jacked and I weighed 185 with 3% body fat percentage.

I'm sniffing.

Of course you are.

So am I, dude.

Damn.

I get on the scale, it tells me to get off.

I just got one of those.

I got.

You gave me something for mama.

Gave you something for mama.

Oh, John.

Got something over there.

Dollars for my wife.

Oh, Lord.

Up, newcomer.

Let's go.

What was the donation, John?

Is that going.

Is that the Zuba?

Is that donation going towards John's laxative?

No, it's going to my wife.

Going to your wife?

Yeah.

But it's still only a 400 goal.

So it should still count towards the laxative.

To be honest with you, whether it's going to the wife or not, that dollar amount should count.

So how much was it, John?

You know what time it is?

Oh, no.

We gotta spray again.

Me, I gotta get.

Hey, I look like a superhero now.

Look, you're wearing a thong on your face.

It'd be yours with the way this smells.

All right, Here we go.

1.

Spray it.

Just make sure.

Yeah, don't spray your.

You do a happy face.

I don't want to do it anymore.

Someone so bad.

Oh, Lord have mercy.

I can't even cover my face with my shirt.

John, that.

John, no, you can't cover your face, John.

Do it, John.

Sticky.

Sticky nose.

Sticky nose into these shirt, John.

Come on.

How does your shirt.

John, John, john.

Account of 3, we'll both take a big inhale.

Take a big whiffy.

Two, three.

Whoa.

Oh, my God, dude.

Oh, it's terrible.

Oh, don't.

Don't do that.

Ben says he was still tapped at.

Well, thanks, Ben.

I appreciate it.

Oh.

Oh.

Oh, Lord have mercy.

That basic training works faster.

Weight loss program.

No dad show.

Yeah, wrong buddy.

Okay, for Those, we got 43 viewers in and everybody's still coming in.

So for those who are just tuning in, let me reword this.

Now we got 20 minutes of torture happening.

We just had 20 minutes of torture.

Recently, Marty gifted us a gift.

It was a box that John and I got over the course of this week.

And we were told we could not open it until the stream started.

And we opened up the box and it was this job.

Little bottle of liquid ass.

And where Marty's in here, we have to spray ourselves every 20 minutes with this liquid ass.

Yep.

And let me tell you, if you really want to play a prank on somebody, this is free promotion for them right Now.

Pick yourself up a bottle of this liquid ass because it smells like straight up.

It's not bad.

They got Mark cleans for a living.

That room's gonna smell like ass.

Exactly.

Zuba.

I, I, I have.

I'm gonna be their shirt.

So it doesn't.

This shirt is going straight outside to the trash can once the show's over with.

Like, I'm not even gonna say goodbye to these gentlemen.

I'm running straight out to the dumpster, throwing away their shirt.

You guys should mail me the shirt.

Spraying cologne.

Mail you?

Oh, my God.

John will douse the shirts, put them in a envelope, mail back to Marley.

The mailman will die.

We'll kill the poor mailman.

Just dump the whole bottle in the.

Shirt, take it to grocery stores to take it to Walmart.

Praying people.

Yeah, I know for sure, Zach.

But listen, listen.

Well, that was my take the shirts.

Off, Will wrap it and Sara wrap to seal it in and then mail it.

Right.

Hey, I got one of those vacuum machines, actually, that'll vacuum it.

There we go.

There we go.

I can't wait to get some new cologne.

Let's go.

Why you want it, buddy?

This stuff is brutal.

I ain't gonna lie.

You imagine putting that in a cologne bottle?

Oh, my God.

I would die laughing.

I would be afraid.

You should throw it in a coworker's car.

I just might, dude.

If I get this job, I'm gonna spray it throughout the whole entire trampoline park.

Oh, dude, just spray it on the trampoline.

Imagine those poor little sacks starting to jump.

Mommy, it smells like poo poo in here.

John, you know I'll with that.

Yeah, no, I know, bro.

I know.

I mean, you put that stuff in, you guys got a ball pit, right?

Oh, yeah, big one.

Oh, dude.

Oh, my God.

Dump that in the ball pit.

Brave the out of it.

Throw it in there.

Oh, no.

Just, just take the ball.

Just let it go all over the ball pit.

Oh, my God.

Kids are gonna jump in.

There's the parents will be suffering.

The whole ride home, their kids will be smelling.

Bro, not the ball pit.

Yes.

Oh, my God.

The foam pit where it soaks it up.

Oh, even better.

Or spray the airbag underneath.

Zipline.

Yeah.

Oh, my God.

That's what you get for making me change that.

Dear God.

Oh, Lord have mercy.

This is bad.

I wonder if my daughter Will come up here real quick.

Dude, try it.

You're gonna spray her?

No, I'm just gonna have her come up here and see if she smells real quick.

Hold on.

Watch this, watch this, watch this, hold on, watch this.

Hey, Siri, call Adriana daughter.

Hold on.

Calling Adriana dot or iPhone.

I want you guys to know I'm in his phone as.

I'm gonna call my daughter and I'm gonna tell her something.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Chat or call my daughter real quick.

What?

Can you do me a favor?

I really think my office smells funny.

I've been talking about on my podcast now.

Can you come up here and see if you smell this too?

Something smells really funky in my office.

It also smells a bit weird outside.

Yeah, but I'm not sure what the smell is.

Can you come up and just see if it smells weird for me?

Spray it.

Spray it in the outfit.

Does it smell horrible in here?

It smells like a mixture of like.

Tell her to come closer to come on camera.

What does that smell like?

Closer.

Come closer.

I can't hear.

She's.

You gotta come a little closer.

They can't hear you.

I just gotta come closer.

I can't hear you.

Can't hear.

You gotta speak up a little bit louder.

She doesn't want to be on camera.

That's fine.

That's fine.

She's.

She'll be on camera when she passed.

She's right next to that right there.

Turn your camera off.

All right, let me turn off my camera real quick.

All right, Adrian, I'm going to shut off my camera and they want you to talk.

Hold on one second.

Let me shut off my camera.

All right, come over to the microphone.

Tell me what this smells like real quick.

How's that donut taste right now?

Can you just, like.

You just go to the microphone?

Actually, this makes me think of you.

Ever seen Mall Rats, Marty?

Yeah.

Chocolate covered pretzel.

What does it smell like?

Jesus.

Not game, sexual.

Missed opportunity.

What do you mean, Jarl?

She says it smells nothing but.

And she's eating.

And she's eating a chocolatey.

A chocolatey donut right now.

Chocolate coconut donut.

Here's why it smells like it's a liquid ass.

Would you like some?

Would you.

Would you like some?

Would you like some?

No.

Okay.

All right.

That's all I bugged you for.

Thank you.

Jesus Christ.

Dude.

Mark punishing his kids.

Hell yeah.

I gotta join them in a little bit.

Oh, she come up.

She's like chewing the donut.

The stone.

It don't taste good.

This donut tastes like it's a chocolatey coconut donut.

Oh, it's so good.

That means she brought home donuts tonight.

I'm gonna have to eat one after the stream now.

God damn it.

She works at Duncan, right?

She does work at Duncan, man.

She.

When she works till close, she's always bringing home donuts.

I used to do that, too.

That's why I can't lose weight, because she's bringing home donuts.

And then there's also ice cream in this house.

Man, ice cream's so dangerous.

Dude, between you and me working at this trampoline park and, like, walking the chords and the whole place and everything and, like, working all these doubles, I've lost 30 pounds.

Nice.

Congrats, my man.

Let's go play a game of stink.

No.

Oh, don't move.

Stinky finger.

John, I think they.

Hey, Chad.

John said he will spray some on his finger for 20 bucks and sniff his finger.

Yeah, he said.

I did not say 20 bucks.

He said for 20 bucks, he'll.

He'll.

He'll sniff his finger with the stuff sprayed on it.

I did not say that.

I believe that.

That's a felonious lie.

I believe that's what he said, John.

20 bucks.

That's what I thought.

I heard playback.

You can hear it.

Excuse me.

He's lying off.

That's what I heard.

That's what I heard, John.

For 20 bucks, he said he'd do anything for money.

He never gave us a dollar amount.

He just said he'd do anything for money, y' all.

So for 20 bucks.

20 bucks ain't enough for me to do it, bro.

What are you talking about?

20 bucks is plenty enough for you to do it.

No, dude.

Why not?

It's just not.

Why not?

You said my finger all night.

I don't want to deal with that until I wash it.

And I can't wash it while I'm on the podcast.

I'm gonna deal with forever long.

The podcast?

Are you nuts?

No.

You should.

You should.

You should really spray powder down your pants.

You should really.

You should really spray it on your vape hand toos.

Oh, how much would it take for you to spray it on the hand that you V with, John?

Then you got to vape on the vape pan for the rest of the night while we're doing the show, sucking on that vape smelling as you're inhaling your strawberry.

It'd be a nice shitty strawberry taste.

Let's go, people.

Never vape again.

Be a great way to quit the vape.

No, no, there's no dollar amount that make you do that.

He's thinking.

He is.

Look at him.

You see the smoke going through his ears right now?

I had to get a smoke out.

Sorry.

To spray my vape hand and vape with exclusively because I vape with both hands.

To vape exclusively with the hand.

150.

What the.

You are expensive.

Holy 150.

Damn.

I'm high maintenance, Boo Boo.

And don't forget, y' all, all these donations do go towards his laxative.

No matter what though, once we hit that four hundred dollar goal and any donation tastes like a friend.

Four hundred?

Yeah.

How close are we to four hundred?

You never did answer that question.

What did you get from Azuba, by the way?

I got 25.

25.

So we're at.

We're at 65 right now.

Towards your foreign.

Okay.

All right.

For those who don't know, if John hits a 400.

If we hit a 400 gold donation for John's cash on the amount.

You're wrong.

On the amount, it's 300.

Correct.

All right.

Once we hit the goal of $300, John will do laxative next week.

Marty, I swear to.

I'm gonna come to your house and I'm gonna pimp slap you with baby powder.

And just so everybody knows too, the kind of.

The kind of laxative he'll be drinking on air next week if this, if this hits will be the magnesium citrate.

And for those who know what magnesium citrate is, it's this wonderful drink that if you had a recruiter, a really good recruiter that wanted to make sure you made tape and lost a little couple extra pounds before you got measured at MEPs, this is a magic shitting juice.

Within about 15 to 20 minutes after guzzling the whole bottle, you got a.

You absolutely got a.

If we hit the goal.

What's that?

Let me see how long I can hold out after I drink it after, you know, after we hit the goal.

That would be.

I would be curious to see how long you could hold it after you drank it because.

Yeah, I'm going to give you an hour.

There's no way after an hour after drinking that you're not going to have to run to the bathroom and we're just going to hear poor John over there in the back.

Mark, Marty, you dicks.

You second here.

This is what I'll do.

Since I can't bring my whole setup with me, I'll just.

I'll just call You.

You'll just call me up on the phone while you're at this.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Mark.

Dear God.

It's gonna be horrible.

Wait, that's the same stuff they make you drink when you get a colonoscopy?

Yep.

No, actually, when you get a colonoscopy, they make you drink Mirac.

Yeah, Mirac.

They.

They give you a big gallon juggy.

Both.

And they give you a big gallon jug.

No, when I.

When I had the colonoscopy, they just gave me a big gallon jug, and I had to drink that whole jug that one night.

Damn.

They told me to make sure I had no plans.

You'll.

You'll definitely see some you haven't seen in a while, I promise you.

And then you don't have to.

Then you don't have to for a couple days afterwards because you cleared out your.

Yeah, you ain't got a.

For a couple of days.

You're like, all right, let's go.

Oh, man, I.

I'll never want to do that again.

And you know what's funny is I'm.

Did everybody on here have the colonoscopy?

John, do you have one?

Did you guys wake up during it?

No.

Marty, did you wake up thing on tv.

Really?

My wife says she did, too.

I.

They knocked me out, but I woke up and I felt that camera moving through my intestines.

Oh, hold on.

I give that to my residents.

It can work.

Hold on, Let me.

How do I do that?

Here we go.

What?

No, wait.

No, wait.

Show.

There we go.

Figured it out.

There you go, John.

Congratulations.

I give that to my residents.

Work 30 minutes to six hours after congestion.

Oh, yeah.

I mean, if you can last.

If you could last.

I'll be insane.

Just.

Do you work the next day, though?

Do you work on.

So because that other manager quit, my schedule is flip flop, so I'm not working on the ass.

So, like Wednesday to Sunday.

Okay.

What's up, Zach?

All right, so the good news is, if you do drink that, you'll be safe then on Tuesday when you're shooting your brains out.

Okay?

Okay.

Oh, boy.

If you get hired the job, when would you start there?

I don't know.

You might want to give them a full warning that you may need that Tuesday off.

I may?

You may.

If.

If you get the donation, you may want to tell me you have a medical procedure that's nothing big.

You'll be able to come into work on Wednesday, but you're going to need that Tuesday off.

Because, John, your first day going to work At a new.

Every five minutes I got to use the bathroom.

And you're destroying that on them, dude.

They're going to fire you that day.

They're going to be like, yeah, man, this is not going to work out.

You're God is wrong in so many.

There is a delay on Twitch.

I don't know which Twitch you're watching on, whether it's Mark's or mines.

Oh, man, I don't think I have you on mine, but Gray's in flavor now.

Yeah, gray's in flavor, bro.

Look at that.

Sexy.

Yeah, you gray hair.

I ain't got a single gray hair in me.

I laugh at this, bro.

I ran to the bathroom so fast the other day.

Oh, Lord have mercy.

It's.

It's gonna be horrible.

The bathroom, dude.

Actually, speaking of that, have you guys ever had like, you had to, but you couldn't get to a bathroom time.

And you yourself, you had a little shark situation?

No.

Yeah.

A little shark situation going on?

No, no.

There was one time, dude, I was at band camp.

No, no.

I was violently ill, bro.

Projectile vomiting.

And I started just myself at the same time.

Oh, you had that lovely stomach virus.

It was coming all out.

Those are the.

That's the worst virus ever, dude.

That made me sleep on my bathroom floor.

Like, you can't move from the toilet, dude.

Like, you're.

You're literally.

Your ass is flowing a river.

Your melt is just flowing a river.

And then finally, when you think you got a break and you stand up, it goes again.

So all you have to do with you is just plop your ass straight on the floor, barely move, and just lay there in a fetal position.

Kind of like when you took that hot nuts.

Oh, my God.

And just lay there and just brings.

It up as often as you can.

You're never going to eat that death nut, bro.

By the way, if you take that stuff and don't have to, after six hours, you need to go to the hospital instantly, dude.

Death wish achieved.

Thank you.

Oh, dear God.

We got a goal, people.

John have to.

I wouldn't see why John wouldn't have to.

I have liquid in my cheeks.

I didn't like it.

I doubly dare you to take that far.

Spray to a restaurant.

That's my perfect idea.

Only if you go with me.

You guys will have to record it.

Oh, yeah, you could do some crap.

Wait, you guys.

All right, let me ask you this.

What's the most ghetto restaurant in your area?

Fast food joint or anything?

What's the most ghetto restaurant you got.

Jamaican place in the shitty part of town.

So a Jamaican place.

And is it a sit down type of restaurant?

Food's kind of cheap.

I've never been in there.

I see how shitty it looks on the outside.

Okay, and have you watched the kind of like the crowd of people that go in there to eat?

Yes.

Wait, are you gonna be in an elevator anytime soon?

No.

Do it in the elevator as you walk out.

Yeah.

Spray it and then walk out and let.

Dude, I ain't gonna lie.

I.

I've been feeling nauseous throughout this whole show so far because of the spray.

Villa China Denny's.

Yeah, these are all good ones.

You got 10 minutes.

You're fine.

Oh, yeah.

10 more minutes.

The nauseous, the.

Marty.

You had this though, Marty.

I really wish you had.

I don't know why you're such a monster, dude, but you really are.

I really wish you were getting tortured with us, to be honest.

I'm not doing anything.

I know.

Like, that's why I feel kind of like.

I feel like you should come on next week so we can torture you.

Yeah.

As I'm driving.

Well, no, that's right.

You leave in three days.

I feel like we need.

Yeah, I got a road.

Marty, you are going to come back on this show.

What's going on, Cassie?

I feel like we're gonna have to have you back on the show though, Marty.

So John and I can send something to you.

John and I will chip in for a nice torture thing for you.

We're gonna have to torture you, Marty.

You're.

I think he was gonna send me that.

What was it?

I, I, I.

Really?

Yes.

Pregnancy.

The birthing simulator.

Yeah, the birthing simulator.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Marty, they want to know where you're going.

Yeah.

Where are you going?

Dude, I'm going crazy.

No, no.

What are you doing?

Tell us all about it.

I'm going on a road trip.

Where's the road trip?

Oh, going east, going north, going south.

Are you sewing your seeds everywhere?

What's that?

Are you sowing your seed everywhere?

I wish.

What is your final destination, Marty?

Minnesota.

There we go.

Minnesota.

It's funny you say Minnesota, bro.

I have a job opportunity.

Opportunity out there.

Doing what?

Lumberjack?

No.

Running a coffee shop in a podunk town with a thousand people.

That's cash only.

Is it an Indian name town?

All our towns have Indian names.

I can't rem.

Lamberton.

What?

Pete, the way here.

Lamberton.

The.

Are you talking about Lamberton, Minnesota.

I want white hair.

I want all white hair here.

There is no.

Whatever you're saying in Minnesota.

Yes, there is.

What the.

I gotta look it up.

Look it up.

Lamberton, Minnesota.

Does it exist, y' all?

Does it exist?

No, I'm just full of dude.

I don't know what I'm talking about.

Not like I've done copious amounts of research.

How do you spell Lamberton?

L, A, M, B, E, R, T, O, N.

I'm pretty sure that's in Minnesota.

The.

Yeah, Lamberton in Minnesota.

It is.

Well, we know you're stupid, but it does.

It does exist.

It's a small.

What's up, waggy baby?

Small town.

Oh, God.

It doesn't even show up on the map.

It is.

And it doesn't really hit you until you start moving and then it gives you that good old whiff.

It's like, hello, you're still here.

I cannot spell that well.

I can't smell that well either right now, either.

There.

Oh, there it is.

Look.

Yes.

Lamberton is a real place, people.

I wasn't lying.

It is.

Yeah.

It's southwest of Minneapolis.

So apparently the Mexicans don't know how to ride a boat.

How do you share YouTube?

That's a mark.

Question on John.

Question.

It should be right there while you're watching the video.

Right underneath the video, there should be, like a little round arrow type of thing.

By your heart, Wag.

We told you you could be on next week.

Yeah, yeah, next week, next week.

So, yeah, next week.

We offered you on the show for next week.

And I've also.

I've got a Canadian.

I have a Canadian that we offered to come on the podcast, too.

Her name is.

Yeah, you gotta get Flip on here.

Oh, I remember you talking about Flip.

She's our little pothead Canadian.

She was hilarious.

Yeah, they are.

So she.

She won this game that I host on Tick Tock called Toxic Boxes.

She won it and.

Yeah, we offered her on the show.

So.

Marty, that water slow.

Me inside of Mexicans, y' all.

May 19on a radio show called David Chuck the Freak.

They reported a Mexican navy ship that slammed into a bridge, causing massive traffic snarl.

Structural concerns.

The ship's crew misjudged the clearance during a routine patrol, and a collision sent part of the bridges railing into the waters.

Y' all remember that last bridge that, like.

I mean, the last boat that crashed into a bridge and literally took out the whole bridge?

Well, that's because it lost power, though.

This one drove.

Right.

But did it lose power?

Yes.

Or was it on purpose?

There's no purposes.

I'm gonna be honest with you guys.

It was me.

I did it on purpose.

I don't give a.

About humanity.

No.

John, would you like.

Speaking of humanity, would you escape the United States and go sail?

Well, not escape the United States, but, you know, escape where you're at now.

To sail to Hawaii with your cat?

Cat.

Cat.

Your kitty cat.

Your cat.

Oh, I decided to say cat to make it more entertaining.

No, I don't have a cat.

Would you get a cat to go sail to Hawaii with on a boat?

Only if it talks.

Oh, a talking kitty cat.

Let's go.

I showed up.

Needless to say, there was a guy.

That I had a whole side of risky boxes off of toxic boxes.

Who?

What?

I had a whole side of risky boxes off of toxic.

What the.

Zach, no, don't go back to your game.

Hang out for the rest of the podcast.

Love us.

You son of a.

That's funny.

They say, yeah, there was a guy that decided to take his boat and sail to Hawaii with his cat.

Two so far, and it's two neighbors stealing a lawnmower for each other.

Dude, I need to live here.

It's official.

You blink and you miss the whole town.

Yeah, I can't wait.

I'm excited.

John, this sounds like an incident with you lately.

We're not talking about that.

No, no, no, listen, though.

Listen.

On May 13, two street vendors in Paris beat a man with a mini Eiffel Tower souvenir after they haggled too hard over the price.

The vendors chased him down near the actual Eiffel Tower, whacking him with a metal trinket until the cops broke it up.

Up.

The guy got a black eye and a story to tell.

We don't use my government name, Zach, but thanks.

Love you too, buddy.

It's okay.

Whack.

None of us can spell.

We're old and degenerate and.

Right, John, there's 824 people that live there.

See, I told you.

It's under a thousand people do.

Perfect for me.

Yo Waggy with that tier one sub, but thank you, my beautiful, beautiful man.

Let's go.

Was that on your twitchy twitch?

Yeah.

Nice.

Let's go.

Folks, we're gonna do something real quick just because the show we're smelling like.

And there wasn't much news this week.

You got four minutes.

I know, Marty.

Definitely call in guys.

They can call in as we smell like over here.

Marty.

Listen, Marty.

We're surviving, Marty, but I'm telling you, this smell is real.

Marty, I with this smells real.

I Don't know what that word.

Zach, what's going on right now?

Zach is.

Marty is torturing us because he mailed us liquid ass.

And John and I have been spraying this on our shirt every 20 minutes.

And I ain't gonna lie.

Books and such don't work with me.

This iPhone is irritating me.

Dude, I'm so sorry about your iPhone.

Do you want mine?

It smells like right now.

Because it's some.

I love my iPhone.

Did you spray your iPhone?

No.

The phone lines are open.

If y' all got questions for us, give us a call.

I've got questions for y' all.

Anyways, if you guys call in, I got questions for you free.

Oh, my phone is broken and my screen won't let me type right, Dude, I'm so sorry.

Zach, I will buy you a new phone.

You know they have phone stores, right?

He didn't even need the spray.

Oh, man, I don't.

I don't want.

Would you Rathers.

He smells like that?

I mean, Zach, you would know.

You'll call in.

Wag, we're waiting.

We're waiting.

We're waiting.

Give us a call in.

Wag, give us a call in.

Say hi.

Talk dirty to John.

Let me hear you.

Let me hear you talking dirtiest to John.

That's what I want.

Call in right now.

Hit John with your best pickup line.

Yeah, do it.

Do it.

Come on.

Call John in right now with your best pickup line.

You got hung up on last time.

That's Mark's fault.

He's a idiot.

Listen, we're having it.

We're having issues with the phone lines at night, okay?

The phone lines are horrible.

The delay on PC chat is stupid compared to the phone.

Yeah, I know, dude.

I'm sorry.

It's.

It's.

Twitch's fault, not mine.

Listen, it is.

It is absolutely.

Twitch.

Yeah, Zach, that's it.

I do.

Zach, I can't.

You know, Zach, listen.

Ever since John told me you sucked his toes for free, I mean, I.

I just.

I have this thing against you now, my man.

I just.

I can't believe.

I can't believe you are sucking John's toes like that, man.

It's just nasty.

But I am.

Speaking of toes, John, when are you going to create that only feet page, my man?

Well, you need to remind me throughout the week because I keep forgetting.

Keep forgetting.

When's your next day off?

Tomorrow.

But it's my wife's birthday, so I'll.

Be busy only at night.

Nope, throughout the whole day.

I got a lot of stuff planned.

You really spend the whole day on her birthday?

Do you guys do it on your birthday, too?

No, I don't let her.

You don't let her?

No.

So you just shower your wife on her birthday?

Yeah, the woman deserves it.

She's a saint, dude.

She puts up with this without saying it.

What did you get for her birthday?

I didn't get her a thing.

I gotta do it tomorrow.

Way to plan ahead, broadcast.

Thank you for calling in.

Last thing on my mind.

All right, caller, if this worked out, you are on the air with John, myself, and Marty.

What's happening?

Oh, John.

What up, baby?

I've heard of a man named John before.

Is he the guy?

John, is one of these guys down here that salt and pepper hair.

The only two.

We only got two guys down here got salt and pepper hair.

And that's John and Marty.

Oh, Marty's more salt and pepper.

Yeah, but John's.

John's catching up to Marty pretty quick.

Oh, wow.

We already got a second.

We talked about on Fantastic phone call.

Well, we're trying to see who can do the best pickup line on John.

I got Ben searching for your own.

Best pickup line on John.

We want people to hit on John tonight.

Hit me with it.

Oh, God, man.

That's.

That's a little huddle.

It's gonna be.

I just talk dirty to that man.

You got.

You got to talk dirty to him.

I mean, do you need John to talk dirty to you first?

Oh, no, no.

I got it.

John, I think you need to.

I think you need to talk dirty to him.

John, get him warmed up.

John, get him warmed up.

Hey there, big boy.

I'm gonna fucking melt your mouth and not your hand.

Daddy.

That too loud?

It'll get.

It'll get us flagged on YouTube.

I'm twerking my nipples to the thought of you thinking about me right now.

Yeah, Zach, you're gonna get voicemail, my man.

We're on another call.

Hey, John, let me pull your ears and pierce into your asshole so I can make you go.

Just said.

What the is?

You ever seen those guys with chains from their nose to their ears?

I'mma do that from your nipples to your ball.

Stimulates your bottom.

What you got to say, John, Is it a date?

John, you got to take this guy out on a date or what?

John, is it a match?

Oh, I'm taking him out on the date.

John.

John, it's either yay or nay.

Because, listen, if you're going to take him on a date, we're going to keep him On.

But if you say that he's a no go, we're going to hang up.

On.

Bring the next caller in.

You know what time it is.

Hold on, caller.

For sakes.

We gotta spray again.

I'm not even getting paid for this.

Yes, you are.

We gotta spray again.

Oh, for dinner, sweetheart.

Hold on, y' all, hold on.

Make sure it shows on camera.

The wet spot.

Make a happy face, Mark.

All right, There you go.

You didn't do the smile.

I had not smiled, Marty.

Why do I put myself through this?

Marty, you son of a.

I hate you.

Oh, man.

You're not alone.

I think I'm gonna die.

Yeah, that.

That's horrible.

It's permeating into my brain.

If the world was ending, I'd spend my last 5 minutes texting you just to leave you unread in the afterlife, too.

Oh, it's gonna be a yay.

It's a yay.

So you're gonna keep them on it?

All right, John, if so, with that pickup line.

Where are you taking this guy out to eat, John?

I'll take him to Subway.

You're not gonna take him to that restaurant you mentioned earlier?

No, no.

You're gonna take him to Subway.

What kind of foot long you getting them, John?

Mine.

Oh, what do.

You try?

Counteroffer.

You can go for it.

What you got for a counteroffer?

Oh, John, I'd take you to the homeless park under the bridge so we can have some rat cooked on a flipped over shopping cart on top of the burn barrel.

Are we gonna be hanging out with Dirty Dan and the boys again?

No, it's gonna be Dirty Mike and the Watchers.

Better not.

He's mine.

Says you're a competition, my friend.

Oh, me?

Marty, this stuff is brutal.

I just want to tell you, Marty, I.

I'm regretting life decisions to agreeing to this package being right now.

I want you.

My address was given to you against my.

This stuff is brutal.

I'm gonna have to blast the AC in here to clear.

Don't worry, John.

I have your.

I got your wife's approval for this anyway.

What do you mean?

Oh, she said that I could take you on a date.

I don't remember that.

You're lying.

As long as I got the switch and leave mine there.

I'm turning on my air conditioner.

I'm gonna show you.

What?

Loving long time boy.

This is probably gonna make it worse.

And I'm turning on the ac.

I'm gonna have to spray Febreze throughout my whole house.

Yeah, dude, I Can't even think right now.

Like I'm my.

I gotta turn on the ac.

This is not gonna end well.

You lying.

You know she did probably.

She'd do anything to get rid of me.

Wife's gonna come up there, Mark, you should.

I'm not spraying it in the ac, Mindy.

There's no dollar amount because this is my I.

This AC right here is actually my living room ac.

We're just using up in the studio for now till we figure out what we're doing in the studio if we're going to put a window AC or buy another.

Stand up caller.

Zach really wants to call in and argue with you, but he's got a You.

You.

I can't think.

My brain.

We can't have two callers in at the same time.

No.

So unfortunately, caller, though, we're gonna give other people a chance to call in.

So what are your final words?

No, no, you did.

What are my final words is how does everybody but John put effort into their background?

That's because John, if you notice John, can you stand up real quick, is still enjoying way too many donuts to really give a about his background.

All his money goes to a his gut.

I'm a beefy.

Oh, dude.

Oh.

Don'T stand up, John, and sit down.

It whoops right into your face, my man.

I'll get off here so you guys can call someone else.

All right, man, take care.

All right, we love you.

All right, y' all, phone lines are open up.

I think we did have Zach try calling in.

So give me a second.

We had.

We had somebody from a main number trying to call us.

I'm gonna try returning the main number back real quick.

Hold on, hold on.

We're gonna try calling this main number back real quick.

So hold off on any more phone calls.

We're calling back the main number.

Caller, you're on the air.

You're on the air.

John, I believe this is for you.

Hello, beautiful.

Look at that gray hair.

Hi, daddy.

Hi.

What can I do for you?

Where are my children.

Huh?

Call her.

Children.

What's going on, Fossil bot?

I'm confused.

I'm trying to figure out what my children are.

You know, I gave you two children.

Where are they?

Look how beautiful you are.

You have that white silver fox hair.

Listen, listen, I didn't want to tell you, but a wild cougar came out of the woods and ate our kids.

You know, you know why I'm calling you right now?

Because I was.

I was on the games with our children.

The AC Is not working out too well, gentlemen.

It's literally throwing the smell in my face right now.

It's just now kicking in, and I'm just keeps getting the wolf of the.

But you better share some of the air out here because it's humid out here.

Dude, this is rushes crazy.

This is moldy ass kind of a smell.

It's like an ass.

Like someone's got, like, swamp ass.

And that swamp ass has just been meddling.

Yo, you know what it really, you know.

You know what it really smells like is like, you know when someone shits himself and they dies?

Yeah, the death.

Oh, yeah, right after the embalming.

That's crazy.

Your loss.

When did you game sexual start raising Wii remotes?

Yeah, I gotta shut this off.

That's making it a hell of a lot worse.

Been going on for about six months.

So it's like a gaming group that I'm in, and me and Zach have hung out in person at the mall, which is where we.

Hi, my name is John.

I've never met this girl in my life.

Game sexual.

I met him when he was a man.

Now he's a girl.

Yo, hand that over, Marty.

Let's do it a little bit.

Dear God, be careful.

Next thing you know, people be offering money for John to do something really bad.

Took the kids.

All right, caller, do hit us up with your best pickup line to John, though.

My best pickup line is where are my kids?

That's all you got?

That's it?

That's all you got?

That's not the best one.

Have you seen how.

Have you seen how beautifully he looks with his gray hair?

Are you coming back?

Can we end the divorce?

Licorice?

Can we stay married?

Chad?

Do I keep this collar on right now as the collar's on?

Chad, if you want me to keep this caller, press one in there.

Or if I should just give this call of the red button, hit 2.

In the chat.

Have you seen how voluptous his ass is?

Are you kidding?

Of course I'm calling into this.

I'm.

I'm trying to keep my husband.

Come on.

Well.

Well, you better do better than this caller, because I'm waiting for the chat to see if they're keeping you or if they're letting you go.

The chat might not know, but I need to know.

I mean, I can tell you where your kids are.

You got to go in between John's.

John's mattress and his box.

I'm definitely trying to go in between John's.

That.

That's a fact.

Oh, man.

John, why are you saying words?

John?

I'm gonna.

I'm gonna listen to him.

The next time you work with him, Ladies and gentlemen, feel free to call in.

John, I couldn't.

I couldn't.

I wanted.

I want to see a in chat now.

There is a There.

I do have a number that.

Try calling us.

Oh, that's May 12th.

All right, the four lines are open up.

Call in right now.

If anybody wants to call in.

Who wants to serenade my sweet ass.

With a.

I need someone to really serenade John.

I want to see someone make John squirt on air.

Come on, y' all.

I want to blush.

Yeah, Squirt.

I want to see John squirt.

Okay.

As he smells like over here.

Like, I.

I think.

I think after this 20 minutes, I.

I can't handle this no more.

This is bad.

Oh, we're done.

It's already almost 11.

This is.

This is a horrible smell.

Absolutely a horrible smell.

Come to remember me by when I'm gone next week.

Oh, Marty, we're.

We're not forgetting about you, Marty.

Just save the shirt.

Keep it in the office.

No, the shirt is definitely going straight into the garbage can.

As soon as this airs, I will even facetime you.

Marty show you.

It's going in the garbage.

When the show's over with, it's done for.

Oh.

Yep.

Oh, this is both.

White walls in John's office are all natural color.

He coded them himself.

He absolutely did.

Why is.

I thought you had somebody else who wanted to call into the show.

Was it Zach Himes that wanted to call in?

That was who we were just talking to.

Oh, that was Zach Heims that we were just talking to.

Yeah, he.

He said, don't invite me anymore.

I was like, bro, he hung up on you, not me.

And he's like, I know, but that's both times.

He's not ready for how we talk.

Oh, he don't like being hung up on.

Well, he doesn't.

You hurt his feelings.

I know.

And if you get.

Listen, okay, listen.

I'm sorry I offended you there, little sweetheart.

I'll tell you what you can do.

You can get yourself some better pairs of britches and be able to take shit like a real man.

Or don't tune in, but we'd love you to tune in, but you just got to grow some real man panties.

Can you be nice?

Dude, I am being nice.

No, you're not.

You're being a dick.

How am I being a dick?

You're a dick.

How am I a dick?

He's a person with feelings.

He's got feelings.

I am all over.

Because if his feet.

You are.

But if his feelings get hurt because I hung up on him after he's tuned into this show for how many episodes we on right now?

Eight episodes.

Are we on episode eight?

We are.

He knows how the show already goes.

We're on episode nine.

Yeah, I can call back and break your heart, sweetheart.

I'm just saying you got to be able to handle the show if you can't be upset, bro.

I've been.

I know you've been watching it.

Zach.

Zach, listen, my man, you got to be able to know how to handle the show.

You see how we are on this show?

You got to know that we're gonna hang up on you.

You gotta be take a little bit of heat.

Plus, we're dealing with a shitty smell right now, and I don't understand if you, if you understand how your attitude kind of feels as you're trying to talk and you're getting woofed with.

Yeah, dude, it's bad.

Like, it clears my head and I can't think.

Oh, we can handle you, Zach.

It's just.

It's also hard to hear you when you're like, yeah, it wasn't very clear.

Hey, John, where are my kids?

Yeah, where are kids?

John, Kids.

Kids.

John.

Kids.

I can't handle myself.

I know.

That's John's legs.

Oh, man.

Dude, I'm so excited to do the podcast episode.

Episode With Wag?

You have no idea.

With Wag?

Yeah.

What are you guys gonna do?