Welcome to the Chaotic Cadre: Unraveling Humanity’s Weirdness

One's a grunt, one's a squid, talking.

Trash like a couple of kids.

No script, no plan, just running their mouths.

If you don't like chaos, better tap out.

We got bad jokes, worst taste, eating like trash, saying what we think.

No filter, no clue, no rules, no shame.

If it don't make sense, who's to blame?

So grab a beer, sit back, don't stress.

It's just two dumb vets making a mess.

What is going on?

Listen up, you filthy animals.

You just stumbled into Chaotic Cadre, the podcast where two absolute train wrecks, me, Mark G.

And my partner, Crime John S.

Spew whatever random garbage we scrape off the Internet and our miserable lies for your entertainment.

We're here to talk.

We are news conspiracies, military fuck ups and whatever else we can roast into oblivion.

Think of it as a therapy session meets a bar fight airing every Monday at 9:45pm Baby.

Because that's when the kids are asleep and the whiskey kicks in.

This episode's one.

So congrats.

You're the guinea pigs for this unhinged experiment.

Buckle up because we're already a mess and it's only gonna get worse.

Who the hell are we?

Well, I'm rg A washed up streamer with five goddamn kids.

Yeah, five.

Because apparently I can't figure out how condoms work.

Running a sad little cleaning company in Maine, scrubbing toilets while dreaming of glory days I never had.

I'm a prior army vet, but hey, Med boarded me out because faster than you could say back pain.

So now I'm yelling at Twitch Chat instead of drill sergeants.

Pathetic, right?

Then there's John.

This saintly stepdad won an adopted dad of small target strays, busting his ass in central mane like a lumberjack on Red Bull.

Bander.

He's a game streamer too, Grinding pixels while I'm over here pretending I'm still relevant.

Together we're a couple of clown mics roasting the world and ourselves.

So stick around you, because this chaotic cadre is about to blow your tiny minds.

I'm crying, bro.

Oh my God, folks, is John Mindy.

What is going on?

Mindy's ass.

What's so.

Mindy, what is happening is right now on the Mark G show, you're watching Chaos Cadre.

This is only going to be on the Mark G Show's channel for about three episodes and then it's going to be strictly on Chaotic Cadres.

Chaotic Cadres Channel, but yeah.

Welcome in, everybody.

Welcome in.

That's good, that's good.

I Like that.

That was good.

You like that little introduction?

It ain't happening again.

Jesus, dude, that was, that was, that was intense, boy.

Yeah, I got a little tongue twisted a few times, but let's go.

Oh, how you been, my man?

I've been all right.

Are you, are you ready for this or what?

No.

You could have warned me a little more than.

It's gonna be great.

Oh, listen, man, listen.

So we got two podcasts back to back for everybody tuning in the Mark G Show.

You always see the Mark G show on tomorrow night, but tonight, this is a new podcast with my buddy John.

And listen, folks, we got a lot of.

John still has no clue what the hell we're going to talk about, because what I sent him, I've already reworded it all, so.

I knew it, dude.

We're gonna be talking about what I said, though.

But I rewarded how I'm gonna talk about at first, so I'm gonna, I'm gonna tell y'all some news clips and like, and then we're gonna go off of that.

John and I discuss it and in our own banter maniac kind of a way.

That's right, Benji.

This is.

Oh, man.

So I appreciate y'all tun, folks, if you're out there on Twitch.

How you doing, folks?

If anybody subs or anything like that on Twitch, we'll give you a shout out that at the end of the show because I don't even know if I'm going to be able to get the notifications on that.

I got to add all that still.

Yeah, we've still got to do a bunch of stuff.

And when by we, I mean him, because I'm not technologically smart.

Now, while I'm doing all the technical stuff, John is playing with his happy sock in the closet.

So you know.

Oh, you love my sweatshirt, dude.

Yeah, it says I'm not gay, but 20 is 20.

So in other words, he is gay.

But John will get on his knees for that 20 bucks and give you the best blow you've ever had in your life.

Yo, man.

And I swallow.

Oh, he absolutely does.

So make sure you eat some pineapple before he does, you know, give him a little flavor.

Love it.

Anyways, folks, as y'all can see, this is Johnny boy here, and we're gonna start this episode off.

That's wild.

Mark, dude, you ain't heard.

I promise we're gonna start this epis off, y'all, with some weird ass news that's happened in the past two weeks.

I, I, I've scoured the Internet and I found a couple of episodes.

Oh.

Oh, me.

You have to use the plastic one.

The metal one broke.

Sorry.

This is.

See, I told you.

I own a cleaning company.

My wife is having issues.

This is what happens when I run a podcast.

Like when I run the Mark G show.

I get at least 20 messages.

It's great.

Or.

Or.

Or you have me calling you, or.

I have you calling me or Sully calling me.

But listen, that's the wonders of running a show like this.

It's fun.

I love it.

It's.

You never know what's gonna happen.

And then my daughter comes home.

You hear the door going bling bling.

Daughter's home.

But anyways, folks.

Hey, wait, is my door code still work for your alarm system?

No, I deleted that.

You can't get in my house, you nut.

It's not happening.

You're not breaking into my house.

I've deleted your code.

I just want to come cuddle.

No, no, you're not coming into the middle of the night and cuddling me.

No, that's.

Anyways, folks, let's get back to me scouring the Internet for some of the best news out there.

So listen, y'all, a naked lunatic got yanked out of a 93 year old's crawl space out in LA.

Weeks of her hearing creaks and groans, thinking it's a ghost and it's just some unwashed troglod camping under her floorboards like it's a Coachella for the deranged.

This guy's probably got a manifesto written in his own filth.

And the old ladies over here saging the house while the cops drag him out screaming about his rights.

It's peak America, folks, where even the squatters are method actors auditioning for hoarders.

Listen, that sounds like a great time to me.

Honestly.

Would you squat in somebody's basement?

I mean, honestly, I have.

Have you, without them knowing it, just squatted?

Not.

Not without them knowing it.

But I squatted in your basement.

Well, that is true.

I mean, I guess I said he squad in the attic.

Did I say the basement?

The attic.

You.

You said.

You.

You said.

You said basement to me, but I think you meant attic.

Let me.

I'm crawl space, so.

Crawl space.

Yeah, it would have been the.

It would have been the.

It would have been the basement, actually.

I mean, basement, basement.

Yeah, I guess.

Wait, wait, was he like the lubed up deaf guy from like Family Guy?

He may have been the lubed up.

Maybe he put a bunch of Astro Glide in there.

And kind of slid in.

Just couldn't get back out because the Astro glide dried up.

Oh, yeah, that.

That's exactly what it could have been.

100.

100 Astro.

Gliding underneath someone's house and just sitting there, festering and rotten and stinking.

You imagine the stench?

God, no, dude, just imagine the stench.

Some dude underneath your house and pissing.

I mean, think about it.

You got dead rats down there, dead animals, dead cats, dead dogs, dead mark.

I mean.

Wait, what?

Yeah.

Dead johns, you mean?

Yeah, I hear you.

And.

And then you got this dude.

And piss just festering underneath that whole house.

That's wild.

How can someone live in that?

Dude, that's crazy.

That's disgusting.

You know you want to.

Oh, let's do it.

Let's find a house and just live underneath for a week.

We'll live stream it.

Living underneath someone's house.

Oh, we could do it.

All right.

Are you trying to talk to me daughter?

Yes, it's stir fry.

Hi.

No, it's not spicy.

Hi.

John says hi.

Welcome to the Mark G Show.

As I said, I'm a father.

My house is chaotic, and we're still running this because it.

That's what we do.

My kid's in bed.

Yeah, I got.

I got an older one.

She just got home from work.

She busted her ass.

I doubt it.

And then the other one, let me tell you.

Hold on, let me see.

I'm gonna look right now.

The other one is still.

Watch this.

Get your butt to bed now.

He's daddying me.

No, John, you stay right where the you are.

All right, folks, let's get to the other news topic here, because meanwhile, Heathrow Airport's power goes kaput, thanks to a random fire stranding thousands of miserable travelers who paid $12 for a stale scone just to scream at a gate agent.

It's God punishing us for inventing the English muffin.

Over in Italy, a town's drowning in midges because dead fish turned it into a bug of palooza.

Tourists are running, locals are crying, and I'm just picturing some mayor in a Speedo begging for an airstrike.

Oh, and fake five dollar bills are fluttering down Maryland highways.

Drivers crashing into each other for counterfeit cash like it's a Mad Max meat at a str club in a tip jar.

What's a midge?

What's a midge?

That's a good question, John.

What is a midge?

What the is a midge, bro?

What is a midge?

Why don't you.

Why don't you look up a midge, John.

While we're talking, look up a midge.

So much work.

Drowning in midges.

You don't know what midges are, John?

No.

That's horrible that you don't know what midges are.

Small biting insects trapped in water and died.

Mosquitoes, John.

It didn't say mosquitoes.

It is, John.

It's a mosquito.

No, you.

It's a mosquito.

You.

Dude, don't.

Don't you start this.

Dude, I didn't start anything, bro.

You started it.

You know what, John?

You're always starting.

I mean, I don't know what it is.

Why.

Why do I'm even doing this show with you?

I mean, you just got to keep running your fucking mousac.

Because I'm old, grumpy, and you love me.

Oh, yeah, John.

You know what?

I'm going to be a dick real quick.

You know what I'm going to do?

My kid's hollering for me.

Talk to the people for a minute.

But I don't want to.

You didn't even give me the.

Oh, you're such a piece of.

Biggest piece of I've ever met in my life.

Guys.

You don't even understand.

He did not give me anything to go off of anything.

So how is everybody?

We good?

I got nothing.

John.

Did you even talk to the people?

I got nothing.

What do you mean you got nothing?

I got nothing.

You didn't give me the.

You're a freaking washed up has been.

You ain't got nothing.

Dude, I'm fat, ugly and old.

What do you want from me?

Exactly.

So you could talk about 20 minutes.

To figure out how to turn this on.

So you talk about food.

You fat.

I do love food.

Yeah, you do love food.

I mean, speaking of food, John loves pickles, y'all.

That's why he loves sucking.

That's why he's wearing that shirt he's got on.

John.

John loves those pickles, y'all.

All you got to do is unzip and put your pickle in front of them, John, and be like, yeah, baby, feed me those pickles.

I mean, you're not wrong, but like, yo, Jacob.

What's up, baby?

Welcome in, welcome in.

You didn't do a very good job cleaning that.

Oh, my God, it's nasty.

Tell her I'm sorry.

Tell her.

Tell her it's all my fault and I'm sorry.

If you're talking about the sauna, I don't clean that, John.

Yeah, Scott cleans it.

Yeah, Scott.

God, man.

All right, y'all let's.

Hey, John, what's your favorite conspiracy theory?

Favorite conspiracy theory?

Favorite conspiracy theory, like, of all time.

Of all time.

I can't pin it down to just one.

You can't?

But if you had to ask me, like, like life or death.

Had to pick one, it would be 911.

911.

Ooh.

That one will get us banned if we talk about.

But there's some good ones about that one.

There's a lot of good things about that one.

Ah, okay.

Wow.

Okay.

I will let Scott know.

Or you can tomorrow.

If not, I'll let him know on Wednesday because we need to correct that.

What's going on, Jacob?

I see you out there, my man.

All right, business, folks.

Business.

We're gonna eventually teach John how to roll off.

When I like Gary, and like Gary and JC does when I'm talking, they can veer off into it.

We're gonna teach John how to veer.

I don't have.

Listen, I don't have a teleprompter.

I don't have a list.

I only use the teleprompter when.

When I got it.

Oh, you, me.

I did not.

You, you me.

I did not you.

Because you didn't give me any material.

I don't like you.

I like you.

I bet you if I had a.

You still wouldn't.

Because you're a piece of.

Probably not.

Because you got a hairy ass chin.

I'm not all about those hairy chins.

I thought you were.

No, no.

I don't like the tickler.

All right, folks, speaking of conspiracy theories, the Internet's losing its goddamn mind right now over directed energy weapons torturing Maui again.

Yes, because apparently lightning's too basic for these TikTok Einsteins who think the military's got laser cannons aimed at the pineapple farms.

They're posting blurry clips of beams and swearing it's the deep state testing death rays while I'm over here wondering why the government can't even fix a pothole, but could someone zap Hawaii like it's a Bond billion side hustle?

Wake up, sheeple.

It's called fucking weather, not DARPA's mixtape.

Although.

Although the blue beam theory is pretty interesting.

I want a death ray.

A death ray be awesome, wouldn't it?

Yeah, I'd use it on you.

I'd.

No, I'd.

You took my line, you little prick.

Little prick.

You took my damn line.

Don't be upset.

Dude, that beat you to the punch.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Listen, folks, I.

I will say the blue Beam, though, they say.

I don't know if they're talking about the Project Blue Beam in that little clip there, but Project Bluebeam is interesting.

So during the original fires of Hawaii, there were houses, umbrellas, and cars that were blue that never got burnt at all.

During the fire, the massive fire that happened in Ohio, Anything that had a blue roof or was color blue never got touched by the fire.

Interesting.

And that's one of the things with Project Blue Bean.

Elaborate.

So Project Blue Beam is something that can direct a light or a laser or whatever to start fires.

You're talking too much.

I don't.

I don't.

I.

I stopped listening when you said something.

Something, blah, blah.

Yeah, I figured it's much.

How about this one?

How about JFK was killed by the CIA?

We already knew that.

We did, but now it's confirmed, so.

Yeah, they released the files.

And they absolutely did.

They released the files which proves the CIA had their hands on killing jfk.

I knew you were dirty.

Dude, you call me CIA.

You.

You act like one.

How do I.

All right, explain how I act like CIA.

Now you gotta elaborate, John.

Let's go, bro.

I could literally be taking a.

I you not, and you would know what way I wipe my ass.

Would I now?

I'm not even joking.

You've done it before.

Creepy.

How the would I know you wipe your own ass?

I guess I'm a grown adult.

I thought your wife licked it.

Nah, dude, she don't.

She don't like to.

No, she won't.

She won't give you a personal bidet?

No, she won't.

Dude, she won't even hold my dick when I piss.

Like.

Oh, that's horrible.

How's a man to live?

I don't know.

It sounds like you might be suffering right now, John.

Yeah, I don't have you to hold it for me anymore.

What the.

Yeah.

What's what?

This guy.

All you can do is talk dirty to me on this show.

Y'all listen.

I talk dirty to you all the time.

You know what you're talking about.

You know what, John?

I think Kamala has something for you.

Off.

I don't want to hear you think.

You just fell out of a coconut tree.

Yeah, I did, actually.

Yeah, I knew you did.

Let's go.

Let's go on to the.

This next.

This next one by QAnon.

This next one from QAnon is pretty interesting, though.

Let's go ahead and talk about this real quick, because, folks, you got these Qanon clouds saying that Trump secretly is Running a shadow war against alien drones.

That's right.

Alien drones.

No, not the old ones, new ones.

Because the Pentagon's too busy losing trillion dollar budgets to notice lizard people buzzing Ohio.

They're screaming about light orbs turning into UFOs.

And I'm like, great, now every redneck with a drone's a galactic whistleblower.

Meanwhile, I'm betting it's just Jeff Bezos testing Amazon's new deliver your divorce papers from space program, which I think John has already tested out as well.

What?

Who did I divorce?

Your mom.

Oh, thank God.

That was such a fucked up relationship, dude.

Tell us about it.

John, how up was your relationship with your mom?

That mom?

My mom's the devil, man.

She's evil, I tell you.

Evil.

Hold on, hold on.

What are we live on right now?

We are live on Facebook.

YouTube, Twitch X and Rumble.

We are live on Facebook.

We are live on Facebook for the Mark G show because it didn't work for the cadres.

So I.

I think I gotta set it up to go live on Facebook for.

That's stupid.

It is.

Listen, dude, it takes a act of congress to get live streaming working on a lot of platforms.

Why?

You got people asking about the podcast?

Yeah, I gotta answer them because if I don't, then I'll get people in here and then you get mad at me and beat me with a wooden rod.

That would be awesome if we can watch somebody come in and beat you with a wooden rod, right?

Dude, I would be so excited.

Why don't you tell me about that time you almost snapped my neck.

Dick.

Listen, that was not my fault.

You wanted to wrestle and I was like, okay, let's wrestle.

And it wasn't my fault that we kind of picked you up and slammed you backwards, heading to the ground, and then after that, you're walking like a gimp, going.

Literally turned my neck into a 90 degree angle.

Well, that was your own damn fault.

Should have wrestled me.

Why don't you tell them what the doctor said to you when you went to the ER finally to get your checked out?

It wasn't that doctor.

It was the nurse.

The nurse.

What would the nurse say to you, John?

She was like, wow, you should be so happy that you have such a thick neck.

Because otherwise you'd be sitting here right now with a paraplegic.

John.

Yeah, Doing it.

Doing this podcast going.

I'm gonna piss myself.

Oh, please do.

I would love to hear your wife yell at you right now.

Oh, that'd be great.

Wait, speaking of people yelling at People, you ever heard that clip about that guy that was playing video games and his mom was yelling, but go to the bathroom.

He smelled like.

And then he was actually himself.

Oh, dude, you got to look it up, right?

How old is this guy?

He was like, in his 20s or something.

I would love to, but I didn't.

Got to set up.

We will look, keep that in mind for next week, because I'll set up screen sharing for next week.

I'm going to work on more of our things.

This is just our introduction type of cast.

So if you could come up with good videos.

Let's do it, dude.

We will do blind reacts.

I'll come up with some videos for you.

You come up some videos for me, and we'll do some blind react watching.

That'll be great for next week.

I got you.

Got me.

All right, we're good.

You see, y'all, we're working this out as we're talking, and this is audio.

So for those who listen on Apple, Spotify, and so much more, please know you're gonna have to watch the videos, too, to really catch the glimpse of everything especially.

I'm gonna apologize now.

When you do watch the video and you see John and he breaks your phone screen, I do apologize.

Okay?

If anyone's gonna break on screen here, it'd be you.

I don't even know what the you're talking about.

You ugly.

This guy.

This is coming from a guy that right now, Unabomber over there with a hoodie on his damn head.

You want me to take the hoodie off?

I'll take the hoodie off.

And he's got a little tickler going on about a mile long over there.

What do you mean, though?

What do you mean?

You're just jealous.

So, John, I want.

I want to tell you what the military's doing.

Been doing lately since we've been out.

Allowing women on the submarines.

I bet you would have loved that, wouldn't you?

Yeah, it's a lot of rape happens.

I'm not cool with that.

But, hey, before they had women on submarines, though, they used to have the cadets go ahead and dress up in dresses anyways and give a show for everybody.

Those.

Those.

Listen, folks, those were the true real first trans people in American military was just the cadets.

When they got on the submarine, they had to dance around for all the other people.

I never saw that, dude.

You never saw.

I've.

I've seen videos back when my uncle was in.

In the Navy, dude.

And they were dancing around, prancing in their Little dresses.

I'm still listening.

You're still, you're over there texting, aren't you?

See how he does his folks?

Now he's being me.

Now he's texting, but see, I can carry on a conversation.

Meanwhile, while he's sitting there drooling over his phone because I'm not with a schlong, is messaging him saying, where's the podcast out?

I really want to see this.

You're a piece of.

All right, folks, while he's texting, let me tell you the latest weird military news, y'all.

Military horses.

Then they ship pediatricians to Guantanamo to play doctor for immigrants.

Because nothing says freedom like a turning a baby doc into a prison camp nanny while the brass shrugs and counts their medals.

It's a clown show with extra steps, folks.

Why you gotta talk about yourself like that?

Oh, I'm talking about you, John.

You're the.

You're the biggest clown show.

Yeah, that's up, dude.

No, I'm not.

You are.

I'm the biggest sweetheart you'll ever meet, dude.

Ask anyone.

You're the biggest sweetheart, huh?

Yeah.

I bet you your wife would beg to differ.

My wife is the one that receives my love the most.

She's probably got a burial plot with your name on it just waiting for you to choke on a chicken wing.

Right?

And your stepdaughter's been plotting your death since the day you moved in.

I mean, you're not, you're not wrong, dude.

The first time I met her, I woke up with her staring at me at the end of the bed.

Like, imagine just waking up, having a step kid, just staring at you, eye contact, holding a knife, like, little chunky over your head.

There was no knife, but, like, I, I, I could imagine it, dude.

It was wild.

She walks in and it's more like, hold on, let's see if I can do this.

She walks in and she's like, I heard you and mommy last night.

Mommy kept saying, tickle me.

And then she would say, tickle me hotter, daddy.

And her daddy's not here.

So you were tickling my mama?

I'm gonna show you what real tickle is now.

And this is why we crossing the line, Gary.

We're always crossing.

This is why we not live on Tik Tok.

This isn't Mark Cross yet.

Oh, it's just your brother.

It is my brother.

Oh, man.

Holy, dude.

I mean, you had that about right, though.

Just about.

Just about.

It was pretty close.

Pretty close.

Oh.

That was good.

Oh, man.

Make sure if y'all.

This is yalls first time watching the stream.

Please make sure y'all sharing it out, man.

But listen, the podcast is not going to move forward.

And if you're watching on the Mark G show side, just know this is only going on for three episodes on the Mark G show, and then it's going full blown just to Chaos Cadre.

So make sure y'all are following Chaos cadre's Facebook page, YouTube page, and so much more.

Because, yes, we are solely going to be on there soon.

Yes, please just follow us.

For every person that follows Chaos Cadre, John will shoot a cream pie out his apartment window.

That's a lot of cream pie, dude.

That would be fantastic.

We'll make sure we send you a personal video.

We'll send you a cameo of John Creampine.

Maybe he'll get some of those drive buyers out there by his way.

He could sit there and go shoot this.

Oh, that's a good way to lose something.

Absolutely.

A nine millimeter coming at your dick.

John.

I have to tell his wife.

I'm sorry, babe.

Oh, God.

Even boner pills ain't gonna work no more.

You would know all about that, wouldn't you?

Listen, I ain't got to take Bluechew.

I've got five kids.

It proves I know how to work it, baby.

That.

That don't mean.

Bro, you could use Bluetooth for half the.

Touche.

But typically, someone who has to use Blue Chew has got some dead babies up in their.

That ain't squirting out.

I'm just saying they.

They.

They're not squirting out that positive energy.

Positive.

You need that positive energy squirting out.

Okay, you can't be squirting out the dead swimmers.

I understand.

Well, I mean.

So my mom ended up with me?

Well, yeah, kind of.

The doctors did tell you mom to use the coat hanger.

She tried, but she missed.

I just grappled on to that one.

We're going to hell, buddy.

I hope you know that.

Oh, we're abs, dude.

I'm going to hell.

We've been in hell.

When you.

When you were mentioning you wanted.

Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

What are we waiting for?

Oh, dude, I have something to show you that I got from work.

You're gonna love it.

I proud of you.

You brought a kid home from work, didn't you?

No.

Okay.

Although I did make those kids search for in two hours for a missing post it note that didn't exist.

That's horrible.

John is unwrapping something.

For those who are listening on audio right now.

He may have brought home a dildo from work.

We don't know yet.

We're trying to.

I don't sell dildos at my work like you, buddy.

No, we just find them in the back end of toilets.

Dude, that was one time.

What?

I was thinking an LED light be my guess, because he's plugging in right now.

John, do you know where the hole is?

That's the wrong hole, John.

Just like your wife tells you.

It's the wrong hole, John.

She never tells me that.

I need light.

I can't do that.

See, John, John.

That's how he does it with his wife, too.

He's like, hold on, baby, let me get a flashlight.

Look down there.

Okay, now I see it.

Then she's like, john, is it in yet?

John's like, baby, I forgot the tweezers.

Hold on.

Let me go back and grab those.

All right, all right, all right.

You ready?

I'm ready.

What you got?

Oh, so bright.

There you go.

Oh, my God.

That turns you.

Dude, now you got a red light special.

I always knew you were a hoe, but damn, dude, you got that wholeness going on now with that red light.

Let's go.

How much this cost?

Probably a ton of money.

It's probably like a 500 sign.

No, no.

How much?

5,800 tickets.

So in other words, that's a seven thousand dollar sign because in order to get those tickets, you're really getting raped by the arcade.

Dear God.

Oh.

All right, Joe, we're gonna talk about misconnections here in a second.

What?

Before I read off on missed connections, y'all, it's interesting when you meet people for the first time for dating life.

Some people like.

Some people like to show off when they try to date people.

Some people will play with knives, with a box on their lap.

You're such.

And some people will stab themselves in their leg.

You're such a.

It's amazing.

I don't know why John's saying this.

Like, did I mention this was John's doing?

I was just telling y'all a story that I know of somebody that this happened to.

But since John wants to call me a dick.

Yes, this happened to John.

But he's now.

But now he's with his wife, so that's a plus, right?

They.

They now have been together for a while here.

Do you want.

Do you want to see the picture?

You got the picture of you stabbing yourself still with a knife.

Really?

Dear God.

Hold on.

So, yes, folks, we're gonna talk about misconnections and the stupid people do when they're flirting with females.

Dude, it was worth it.

Instantly, John was like, I wonder if I can get with this chick if I only insert this blade into my leg and imagine being me on the other side, not know what the going on.

I get a phone call from one of the other ladies saying, can you go check to make sure John's okay?

He's refusing to go to the hospital.

The.

You mean John was playing with a knife and stabbed himself?

He's in my basement.

What.

Part is, he sent his son down to check on me?

I did.

I'm like, that idiot.

What the.

Come on, John.

Searching here.

Let's see what he finds out, folks.

Hold on one second.

That's all right.

Well, I'll tell you what, John, you look for that, and I'm gonna read this misconnection from Reddit.

All right?

You do that, buddy.

All right, folks, so under Reddit and relationships, this is what somebody wrote right here.

I feel like we have to read this in that little girl voice, that little voice changer.

So here we go.

Rel.

Hold on.

Relationships from Reddit in the female's voice.

My boyfriend keeps a jar of his toenail clippings.

Says it's for memories.

Should I dump him?

This freak's got a mason jar of foot fossils, like it's time capsule for his nasty ass toes.

And she's still debating if he's worth it.

Honey.

Shit, I can't.

I can't do the voice.

I can't because I'm hearing the good chick voice in my head.

I just can't.

The replies are split.

Half says it's cute, half says he's a serial killer.

And I'm just imagining him whispering my precious to a jar of yellow claws every night.

Picture this, a psycho at date night pulling out his toenail collection like it's a wine list.

Oh, this one's from July, a bold vintage.

She's stuck, wondering if love means sniffing his foot funk while Reddit's cherry him on like it's a Picasso with a nail clipper.

I'd burn the house down and salt the earth.

But sure, let's call it quirky and give him a podcast.

And we did.

Ladies and gentlemen, meet John.

He's still looking for that picture.

I'm Gonna find it.

You're going so quiet now trying to find this picture.

Don't you judge me.

You distracted me.

I gotta start back at the top.

Wait a minute.

I'm sorry, but what you just did there.

What the did you just do?

What do you mean?

What the did you just do?

Oh, this.

If we have to do a replay right now, it literally looked like you whipped out your junk on cam and started spanking.

Not even.

We're going to have to clip this now.

We're going to need a clip.

We're going to need a clip of John spanking his monkey while we're live on multiple platforms.

Listen, I told you, we're starting up a podcast.

Not an only fans page, okay?

Ain't no one buying an only fans of 2 washed up dad bod, okay?

Ain't nobody doing it.

Hey, I'm gorgeous.

You shut your.

Yeah, gorgeous to a humpback.

You're gorgeous to a humpback.

Dude, I think I just pissed myself off.

He's still looking.

I'm gonna find it.

I'm sure you are.

John.

John, what do you think about the The Invincible Season 3 game?

The what game?

The Invincible Season 3.

What are you saying to me?

What do you think about The Invincible Season 3?

Tie in game.

Never heard of it.

So interesting news to me.

All right, so apparently this is the number one streaming game right now.

I thought you were the number one streaming game.

I wish I wouldn't be owning a cleaning company.

Dude, what year did that happen in?

I'm looking through my Google Photos.

I have no clue.

John.

Three years ago, Maybe four years ago.

Wait, okay, wait a minute.

You're gonna.

You're gonna get yourself right now.

You're gonna put yourself in the doghouse from your wife if she's listening, because you better really think bad because it's the first time you and your wife kind of connected.

You shut your.

So I'm just saying, if you can't remember that first day that you and your wife connected over you stabbing yourself in your leg like a hobo, we got issues.

I mean, you better find this.

Dude, I don't know what you're talking about.

Not at all.

Don't know what the hell I'm talking.

Nah, dude, he's looking, y'all.

He's looking.

I'm gonna find it.

Don't you worry.

All right, well, you find it.

I'm gonna tell everybody about this game that's hitting the number one charts right here.

Do it, Poppy.

All right, y'all.

The Invincible Season 3 tie in game is owning the charts because you nerds can't get enough of omn man's mustache and punching aliens in the pace.

Congrats.

You've turned a bloody cartoon into a button mashing religion.

This show is fresh in your skulls and this game's got you flying through cities smashing skulls and crying over pixelated daddy issues.

It's like therapy, but with more gore and less insurance claims.

Everyone's losing their minds over the hype.

X is flooded with clips of players yeeting volume trees, whatever the that word is into orbit screaming best game ever while their moms yell to take out the trash.

It's chaotic bloody mess of a tie in that somehow works and you're all still eating it up like it's the last chicken wing at the super bowl party.

Good luck praying.

Good luck prying yourselves away from his one.

From this one, you obsessed lunatics.

What do you think number two game is.

New game.

What do you think the number two popular game is right now?

How to kill the Mark G show?

No.

That.

That.

That.

That'll be the number one after we do this a few more episodes.

No.

What's the number two?

Tell me.

Number two, while you're looking for your picture is Minecraft, as it's still here, refusing to die like a cockroach.

Wait, did you just say Minecraft?

I did, bro.

I love Minecraft.

I know you do.

I did a.

I did a world record stream for Minecraft.

You did?

I really wish that you would have ate a hot sauce the whole time where you're playing it.

That would have been great.

You're such a piece of.

You know, I can't do hot sauce anymore since I did that one chip challenge that you forced my hand to take.

I.

I did not force you, John.

I never forced you once to eat anything spicy.

All I said is, john, you should do this.

Yeah, that's all you had to say.

That's forcing me, dude.

Or John, I triple dog dare you, you chicken.

Yeah, see?

Force right there.

You force.

That's not force.

I just called you a chicken.

If you take me calling you a chicken, it's forcing me.

You're.

You're.

You're a fat piece of.

I am fat, but not really a piece of.

At least.

Hold on.

No, I don't stank.

We're good.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

I put on deodorant today.

Dude.

And then you must have lost a picture, John?

No, because I'm still finding pictures of me and my wife and kids.

Damn, it's been that long?

Then I guess the so.

All right, well, you keep looking for your picture.

Let's keep talking about this Minecraft game here, y'all.

Dude, that game's so legit, you don't even understand.

Listen, y'all.

Spoiler.

They're fighting creepers, not filing TPS reports.

X is a shrine to this madness.

Screenshots of ugly houses and rate my build pose from people who think a dirt shacks aren't.

You're all addicted to the sandbox cult, digging for diamonds and pretending you're survivalists.

Meanwhile, I'm over here betting half of you still sleep with a nightlight because a zombie groaned once.

It's eternal.

It's dumb, and you love it.

Own it, you fucking weirdos.

And John already did as he's still looking for the.

His wife, his picture.

Because he's paying attention, but he's not paying attention.

You guys see how he's doing?

It's called multitasking, bro.

You should see the smoke coming out of his head right now.

So we're talking about video games event.

We'll see what he says about the next video game, y'all, while he's reading it.

I'm gonna go to these next video games so we can just shoot the.

You ready?

We're gonna get through the.

The that I had on schedule for this podcast, bro.

I found the video of me eating those Carolina Reaper nerds in the.

In the.

In the.

The work.

The work.

The work vehicle over at Pedro's.

Oh, nice.

It's got to be around there, right?

It's got to be.

I mean, you ate a lot of spicy food with me, though.

Yeah, you're a piece of.

I remember when I had John eat a death nut.

Let's put it this way, y'all.

Y'all want to see a full grown ass man go in a fetal position underneath the sink?

That's.

John literally lied there for 25 minutes on the phone with a friend going, I'm dying.

I was.

Dude, I was dying.

You weren't dying.

I felt like my insides were getting ripped out.

I was crying.

There was snot coming out my face.

I was drooling everywhere.

I couldn't function.

It was great.

No, it was the death nut challenge is.

You know what, John?

We should do the death nut challenge on here.

You not happening, John.

You know what?

I will get you a toe Satan.

I will get a toe Satan.

We'll both do a toe Satan live on air.

See who can last with a toe in their mouth the longest.

You got to clear that with my wife.

Why?

Why we got to check with the wife?

Aren't we grown ass men?

We are grown ass men.

Okay, okay, wait, wait, wait.

We are grown ass men, so we don't need to check with our wives to do a toe of.

Why?

Why do you gotta check with your wife to do a spike spicy food channel?

Because she knows I'm stupid and I'll do anything you tell me to do.

And if it has anything to do with spice, like the one chip challenge that put me on a commit for three days with stomach cramps, vomiting and diarrhea, you don't want to go through that.

But listen, John, you understand that Chaos Cadre, we're gonna do stupid on this podcast.

I hate you.

We're gonna do stupid shit.

It don't.

I don't know what it's gonna be, but we're gonna do stupid shit on this show.

It's not just is this is.

I want you, I want you to do the cinnamon challenge then.

The cinnamon challenge, huh?

Yeah.

You just want to see me deep throw some powder.

You sick.

I would never.

Huh?

Listen, folks, Chaos Cadre is going to be packed with a bunch of stuff and at some point we're going to bring in, we're going to bring a surprise guest too into the show.

Wait, what?

Who?

Oh, I don't know yet.

I'll let you know as we, we move further through this.

I think I have, I have someone.

Some will be a surprise guest.

Somebody that you'll be shocked to see on the show.

We'll have some fun.

I've got some people in mind that I want to get back on that were on the Mark G show to bring over here to make you go, what the.

I want Gary.

You want Gary, huh?

You like Gary?

Do you want to see Gary go full blown, unedited and raw?

Yeah, you would.

You probably want to grab Gary by his afro and feed him right down there, don't you?

You know it.

I want, I want.

I want that fro to tickle my Tom Tom.

Dear God.

Folks, let's talk about the number three game out there right now.

EA Sports FC 25 has you soccer dweebs kicking virtual balls and screaming at TVs like your life depends on Messi not choking a penalty.

It's the same FIFA crap with a new coat of paint.

And you're still buying it like it's Suckers released last fall.

And it's March now, and you're still grinding Ultimate Team, dropping cash on packs and crying when your $80 sticker striker misses an open net.

Pathetic.

But I respect the fucking hustle.

X is a war zone of this game.

Rigged rants and clips of you clowns scoring fluke goals, acting like your pop.

What?

Pep Guardalia?

Is that his name?

Can you fucking read?

It's a fucking fucked up name.

It's not American, ok?

It's Pep Gordila.

How am I racist?

Because I can't pronounce somebody's name who's not fucking?

Listen, have some cultural appropriation, bro.

Learn how to say the person's name.

Yeah.

No, I ain't got that shit.

Yeah, racist.

All right, Fawn, shut up.

Y'all are glued to this shiny treadmill of recycled sports sims, yelling at lag like it's your ex's fault.

EA's laughing to the bank while you argue over who's got the sweatiest squad.

Like, John, it's a circus.

And you're the clowns.

Keep passing the ball champs.

I don't.

I don't play FIFA.

No, but you are sweaty little.

Listen, you're just upset because I killed you in that one war zone map.

I don't know why you're mad.

Listen, if you want to know who the war zone champ is, okay, it's me.

No.

I am the ultimate war zone player.

Ask anybody out there.

Okay, I.

I am.

I am the ultimate.

Every time I've played with you, I've had to carry on my back with two other grown men.

You know what that does to a guy?

I slouch.

Now, that's good.

Well, you only slouch because you broke your neck like a dweeb.

It's your fault.

Not at all.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Fault, huh?

Speaking of carrying people on their back, John, how about Fortnite?

Oh, look, the day.

First of all, that game's garbage.

Well, it's number four.

I don't care.

It's garbage.

It's all squeaker kids.

Well, and you.

Yeah.

Hey, listen, I like playing it once in a while.

Let's go, y'all.

Fortnite.

Oh, look, the daycare simulator.

Still kicking with.

With kids and clowns building towers faster than a contractor on meth only to get sniped and sobbed into their juice boxes.

It's been years and you're still dropping into the neon hellscape, chasing skins and victory royales like a job.

Just new flat like a job.

News flash, it's not.

But your mom's credit card disagrees.

Ex is drowning in Fortnite's back post new season hypes got you dancing like idiots while some 12 year old with Twitch stream calls you trash like me.

You're hooked on the Battle Royale crack.

Building skyscrapers in two seconds flat and pretending you're pros.

Meanwhile, I'm betting half of you can't tie your shoes without a YouTube tutorial like John.

It's loud, it's dumb, and you're obsessed.

Carry on you little gremlins.

I don't tie my shoes.

I have Velcro.

Hey man, no one can mock slip ons, okay?

Slip ons are great, okay?

And first of all, you're trash kids.

You're trash.

A 1v1 me.

I'll beat your ass.

I'll beat your drum.

Listen, I'll take off my my belt and beat your ass so bad.

You don't want me to take my belt off.

I'll hurt you.

No, if you take your belt off, we're gonna get mooned and died.

Let's what's the next game?

You all right y'all.

The number five game is Call of Duty Black Ops 6.

It has you sweaty try hards quick scoping each other like it's a damn Olympic sport.

Launched late last year.

It's March now and you're still raging in lobbies calling everyone hackers while your kds in the toilet.

It's the same old war game with a shinier explosions and you're eating it up like it's thankful Thanksgiving at grandma's X is suspect of nerf this gun whining of clips and use cycles tricks trick shotting off rooftops.

John, don't do that.

Your mic's blasting screeches while you blame lag for every death.

Yo John definitely does that.

You're glued to this chaos factory, chasing camos and screaming at teammates like they stole your lunch money.

It's a beautiful disaster and you're the stars of the unhinged Call of Duty soap opera opera.

Keep shooting you lunatics.

Listen you nerd.

I don't use guns.

I'm in melee only.

Oh, you're melee only now?

Since when?

Since last year I started using guns not too Long ago in the game.

Yeah, cuz I had to.

But no, you're melee only in a.

Game mode where you have to use guns called gunfight.

We weren't doing gunfight.

We were doing standard maps, bro.

You told me I had to use a sniper, bro.

And everyone's getting mad when I was knifing them.

What do you.

What do you want from me?

A bunch of babies with you?

Oh, listen, let's not talk about babies, mister.

I gotta check with my wife before I eat spicy food.

She has my best interest at heart, unlike you.

I have your best interest in heart, Trust me.

No, you.

You have the.

How can I exploit.

How can I exploit John to get more views at your heart?

Dude, not at all.

What would I exploit you to get views?

Yes, you're probably right.

I have several videos on my phone of you that you sent me.

Exploiting me for views.

You lying little.

Come over here and kiss me on my hot mouth.

I'm feeling.

And romantical.

I mean, if that's what you want, do it.

You ain't gonna like it.

Listen, y'all, I.

I don't know what he's talking about.

I'm gonna say right now, we're gonna call.

We're gonna call fake news on Mr.

John over here.

You are fake news until he can prove a video of something that I had him do for views.

Now.

Now, our buddy Caleb, on the other hand, I did have him go ahead and sniff some salt.

The.

That.

That.

That really potent salt.

That's like ammonia salt or whatever.

Oh, yeah, I got a free jar of that on Tik Tok.

And let's just say I told him to take a whiff and.

And almost made get knocked out with it.

It was great.

You're a monster.

It was fun, dude.

Listen, it's all about prank wars, baby.

If anybody, if that's friends with John here knows where he lives, let me know so we can ship him out some spicy seafood.

Exhibit A.

What are we doing here, John?

Explain it to the people that are listening in audio.

This piece of had me.

I don't know, it was like 12 Carolina Reaper nerds in the vehicle at the workplace.

And he was like, oh, dude, it'll be fine.

You'll be cool.

Don't you worry about it.

Boom.

Popping back like candy.

Nope, mistake.

Then he made me chew these instead of just swallowing them.

And then I died.

I was drooling all over myself.

I probably would have myself if I had to, dude.

It was that bad.

But he was like, I didn't Exploit you for views.

I never posted that video, though.

You could have.

I could have.

Did I take the video?

No, I think it was one of our co workers in the back seat.

Oh, that's why I didn't post it.

I.

I got another one.

You did.

Hold on.

Do you Do.

Do we have one of you lying in the bathroom in a fetal position, though the death not was the best one.

No, we don't have that video.

That is horrible.

We're gonna have to take a caller in on that one to talk about.

Do that right now.

No, no.

Oh, man.

That.

That was the folks.

Let me tell you what.

We're cleaning this account.

And I'm just sitting.

I'm going to town, I'm cleaning, and I'm like, wow, this has not gone into the kitchen yet to start cleaning the kitchen.

I'm all done at the front of the house, mind y'all.

I'm getting ready to mop this, and I'm like, where the is he?

So I go look in the men's bathroom.

No, John's not in there.

Okay, maybe John's blowing up the female.

So I creep open the door, take a whiff.

Nope, I'm not smelling.

So I open up the door more.

There's John lying full blown fetal position, like someone's pelting them with their feet.

And he's on the phone with his friend going, mark trying to kill me.

My stomach is coming outside of itself, bro.

It was bad.

It was real.

I had stomach cramps.

I was all, you know, like, he doesn't understand.

But the thing is, you.

You only ate the final death nut.

Yeah, I only like the final one.

You just skipped all the other ones until we eat this one.

Now, I will tell you, I will admit when the wife bought it for me, because it's the leftovers I got for that Christmas gift the wife got me.

I, too, was in the fetal position, but I ate every peanut in that damn thing before it dropped me to the fetal position.

And then I was in my bathroom for a good 20 minutes in the fetal position, thinking I was gonna have to go to the er.

Worked his way up to where he put.

No, no, I didn't work my way up.

I just grabbed him straight in.

I didn't.

Can you make that noise again?

I knew you were gonna.

Sucking dick, dude.

I knew it.

No, you know.

You know who's good at sucking the little wee wee, huh?

Daniel son.

Do you like the egg roll, Daniel son?

Oh, yeah, Mr.

Miyagi.

I need this more than college do not use teeth.

Done.

Your son.

I'm trying, Mr.

Miyagi.

Trust me.

Remember what I taught you.

Stroke up, stroke down.

Stroke up, stroke down.

Got it.

Thank you, Mr.

Miyagi.

I love you so much.

Him.

What the.

Where do you find this dude?

Scouring the Internet for the best sound bites.

Oh, yeah, Mr.

Miyagi.

Stroke up, stroke down.

Daniel, son, you do stroking so good.

Daniel, son.

Keep stroking good.

Yes, yes, very good.

Me like it.

Oh, balls.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chaos Cadre.

This is what you got.

Looking forward to every fight week.

Here's the real question.

Should I wear this hoodie every week?

I mean, if you want to let people know that you are truly, in fact, gay, then yes.

Dude, I'm gayer than a two dollar bill.

But it takes twenty dollars to turn you gay from what your shirt's saying.

I mean, $20 is $20.

Folks, next time John goes live with us, we should have him go live from his phone.

Go out in the streets where he lives and ask anybody.

I'll get shot.

Dude, let's just ask him.

Does this shirt turn you on?

I'll get shot.

110 will get shot.

I don't think you understand.

Remember last year when that mass shooting happened?

Yeah, that could.

That.

That.

That.

That will be me.

Except for you'll be on the receiving end.

Exactly.

Dear God.

And it won't be a mass shooting.

It'll just be me dying.

This just be you dying with a lot of bullets.

So let's talk about that real quick.

So we're both from Maine.

I'm curious what your thoughts on this is.

I mean, a little bit more of a serious factor.

So I own a concealed weapon license in the state of Maine.

They're now talking about people who have concealed weapon license.

They're trying to get a bill passed.

I don't think it's going to do it because Maine's full of Democrats.

But they're talking about allowing people who conceal weapon license carrying on school grounds.

That's a.

That's a touchy subject, dude.

Honestly.

Because you.

You.

You got to think, like, we both have kids in school systems, you know, we do.

Of varying degrees, like.

Right.

But I'm looking as concealed weapon.

You're going through the background check.

You're having everything done.

Like, I just had to do my renewal.

Yeah, yeah.

And they're a lot stricter now.

So now I have to fill out a form to release my military records.

To fill out a form to.

Wait, you're telling me you ain't got your DD214 on.

No, no, no.

I have my DD.

I gave him my damn DD214.

But they're submitting it, bro.

My DD214 is right downstairs.

I had to fish that out of the basement.

I ain't going to.

I ain't throwing my DD214 on the stream before.

You don't have to show me it.

Just show me the piece of paper.

Oh, dear God.

Fine.

Talk to damn people.

I'll go grab my DD214.

You dink.

He ain't got no DD214, bro.

He's lying through his teeth.

Look at him.

Look at him swagger away like he owns the place.

Dude, I don't even have my DD214.

It's at my mom's house.

He's just upsetting spaghetti.

I wonder how long it's going to take him.

What do you guys think?

5 minutes?

10 minutes?

20 minutes?

An hour?

I bet you he comes back with nothing.

What do you think?

Oh, wow, that was quick.

That was super quick.

Told you I just did my concealed weapon license.

I wanted your DD214, not your concealed weapon license.

No, my DD214.

I can't tell.

Can you?

No, I'm not showing my damn DD214 on stream.

You.

You.

Why you getting.

It's got my social and everything else, bro.

I'm just trying to be you.

Okay?

Yeah, but listen.

So you get.

They.

They get military release forms now?

Psychiatric ward release forms.

Oh, see, that's doctor release forms.

Have you been admitted to any of the psychiatric wards in the state of Maine the past five years?

No.

Then you're safe.

I mean, I can go get my.

My.

My concil carry and everything.

Yes.

Have you had any domestics of the past five years?

Nope.

Any felonies?

Wait, wait, wait.

What?

Any felonies?

No, I've been a good boy.

No domestics.

No domestics, dude.

Then.

Then you're golden.

Wait, wait.

Does assaulting another human being count as a domestic?

Did you get arrested for it?

No, they got arrested.

Then you're safe.

Oh, wait here.

You might be screwed on this one, though.

Oh, damn.

Marijuana?

Ah, no, I'm.

I'm sober as a judge, bro.

You don't.

You don't smoke the green bud no more?

I don't smoke the green bud.

I don't do edibles.

I don't do dabs.

I don't do none of that no more.

Then you're golden.

I.

Dude, I drink rarely now.

Can you believe that?

You do we should have him drink one night on Stream Chat?

You don't want that, because when I get drunk, I slur a lot of racial slurry.

Oh, so, yes.

So now.

So now you're admitting on stream you're racist.

I'm not racist.

Me right now.

Not racist.

Drunk me, Bigot.

And it just comes from being in the military.

I hate everyone, dude.

Whites, blacks, Mexicans, Italians.

Oh, dear God.

We're clipping this.

Against Native Americans.

Well, I don't know, to be honest with you, because I do use an AI program to clip, so we'll see what it picks out.

It'll be so funny if it picks out that part.

I'm gonna die laughing if it does.

Folks, I see we got freaking five right now.

Watch.

What now?

Four people watching a rumble.

If y'all can just do me a favor and smash that follow button for Chaos Cadre so we can get the followers up on this.

We need a.

We need to promote Chaos Cadre, y'all.

Smash that, like, button.

Share it out.

This is just our first episode, so y'all can get to kind of know us a little bit.

See, listen.

Feel the vibe of how this podcast is gonna.

Mark, shut the up.

I got this.

Listen, guys, you want to follow, you want to subscribe, you want to hang out with us?

Dude, I hate you.

We're funny guys.

You may not think think so, but that's so loud.

Dude, my ears are bleeding.

Fine.

I.

I got a little bit lower one for.

You're a.

You're a.

Listen, we're just.

We're just two.

Two regular guys.

We're dads.

We're veterans.

We're hard working guys.

Well, me more so than him because he just cleans.

I.

I clean, maintain, and manage, like 20 people.

He just cleans.

This comes from a guy that quit on me and left me to work.

I thought I rehired you back.

Yeah, and then that's only because you realized I didn't make you lose that account.

We fight like brothers.

So y'all love that.

We're Mainers and we're in Mainers, if y'all know nickname maniacs.

I'm not a maniac.

He's a maniac.

Don't.

Don't let him lie.

Listen, bro, I'm not originally from Maine.

That don't matter.

How long.

How long have you lived in Maine?

Off and on over 20 years.

So common law states that you are a maniac.

I'll stab you.

Damn right on there.

All right, y'all.

Y'all heard that right.

We're gonna clip that.

So if I ever do get get stabbed, police, law enforcement does know to go look for John, okay?

He's the that just said he's stabbing me.

So if I get stabbed, we know it's him.

You don't know my last name.

You don't know where I'm at.

Don't worry.

We'll have his last name in my office.

Just come see my wife.

I'll make sure I have a note that says John done it.

Okay?

It'll be right here, right on my desk.

Okay, so y'all already know he's the that did it.

It.

Dude, I'll tattoo it on your forehead for you.

There we go.

Let's go.

I would never stab you, honestly.

No, he just shoot me.

I wouldn't shoot you.

Well, actually, what are we shooting you with?

Oh, you sick bastard.

Potato gun.

Oh, okay.

Maybe I'm the sick bastard then.

Why?

What were you thinking, buddy?

My mind went on a John's beep and thought you were getting dirty there for a minute.

Oh, you were in the gutter, dude.

I went in the gutter the way you're gonna shoot me there for a minute.

I would never shoot you from that.

Thank God, because.

Yeah.

Not even with someone else's man.

Thank God.

Yeah, you're too ugly for me.

And that's what your wife says about you, too, huh?

Unfortunately.

Standby, I have not started the dishwasher yet.

Why you start the dishwasher?

Just wondering.

Okay.

No, no, no.

You start the dishwasher.

You're gonna ask.

You start it.

That's how it works.

John says you're gonna start the dishwasher.

I don't know how to start that.

She don't know how to start the dishwasher.

So in order to start the dishwasher, it's pretty simple.

Simple.

What you're going to do is you're going to find the dishwasher key, right?

But you need the dishwasher key to activate the buttons.

Once you activate the buttons, you put dishwasher oil into the dishwasher oil.

What's that?

The dishwasher oil.

We should have the dishwasher oil underneath the sink.

Okay, Shut up, John.

I can't send to the straight face, believe me for a second.

Dishwasher oil.

Dishwasher.

Yes.

I mean, dishwasher detergent.

Well, I was with.

My daughter, said dishwasher oil, and she's like, where is it?

She was literally.

I think.

I think I even tried.

Didn't I have.

Did I send you into the.

The.

The car part store wants looking for blinker fluid oil.

You're such an.

Dude, was it you that I sent in the store to do that?

Was it your brother?

It was probably her brother.

Oh, no, it wasn't recent.

It was a while ago.

Yeah, one of my kids.

I remember sending them in for blanker fluid.

It was great.

You're such a sweet dad.

Yeah.

I'll start the dishwasher soon.

Wow, you're still whipped, bro.

I'm whipped.

That was my daughter asked me to start dish.

I can start the dishwasher.

It's simple.

She's got you wrapped right around her pinky, son.

All my kids do.

I'm a sucker dad.

Okay.

I am a sucker dad.

I mean, dude, my kids grinded for a month.

Is she.

Why she's being disrespectful and rude to her friends.

Oh, what are you gonna do when she becomes a teenager?

Grounder for life.

When she's a teenager and you got multiple boys, Shoot them coming over the house.

And they're all.

They're all looking at your daughter going, it's raining tacos.

Kill them all.

And then I'm gonna call you to help me hide the.

I suppose if we have to.

I got a picture up near me, dude.

It'd be easy to Suppose.

There we go.

There we go.

That'll work.

Oh, man.

I'll pay you in pickles.

Pay me in pickles.

Phenomenal.

Just.

Or.

Or I could do pickled garlic, but that's a little more of a lengthy process.

Oh, is it?

Yeah.

Because you.

You don't know how to actually open up a garlic.

Garlic.

No.

You don't know how to peel a garlic.

It's so.

It's horrible.

Well, we're going to teach you someday how to peel a garlic.

We could do it on camera, dude.

We could.

It's pretty easy.

You just take the garlic clove, you put it on the table, you take the flat in the knife, you smack that.

I might cut myself.

You know, I'm very clumsy.

That.

That's facts.

That's true.

You probably will cut yourself and then you'll go to the ER and blame me again.

Just like you blame me for your broken neck.

Dude, I blame you for my broken neck.

I blame you for my terrible back having carry that 80 pound pack.

Oh, geez.

That wasn't that bad.

It was terrible.

It was fully loaded.

I tell you what, Chat.

We're going to do this one day.

Chaos Cod.

When John comes down this way again, I'm Going to blow up my big old bubble balls that we have in my garage.

And we're going to make some phenomenal clips of John and I.

These big ass bubble balls smashing the out of each other.

We already did that one.

We're gonna do it again.

But this is going to be on Chaos Cadre, bro.

I'm pretty sure I was spitting blood.

If y'all have ever seen these.

What I mean by these big ass bubble balls, they're literally like these big.

They're these big old rubber balls that you put your body into.

They're made to play.

It's like.

No, they're a vinyl.

Vinyl.

All right.

So you blow up this vinyl and you get inside of it, and typically it's used for playing like a funny game of soccer.

You're supposed to have a ball.

But no, not in my house.

We just get in them and put all of our aggression into each other and just ram into each other with them.

And it's great.

You.

I'm telling you, after you're done, you feel so relieved.

No anger left in your body.

You just sit there and go.

And you're done.

You feel so great.

It's amazing.

Yeah, if you're so standing.

I don't.

It's easy to stand up.

He beats on me.

He beats on me.

Only when he asked me to.

Beat on me or beat me off.

I definitely don't beat you off.

We'll leave that to your wife.

It's not what I heard.

Oh, yeah.

Dear God.

Oh, yeah.

What have you heard there, Johnny boy?

I heard that if Diddy did did little dudes.

How many dudes Diddy diddle?

According to my calculations, if Diddy did diddle dudes.

Diddy diddled over a dillion dudes.

Oh, damn.

Does that mean Diddy's getting his doodle did?

Oh, most definitely.

If Diddy's found guilty, did.

He's definitely getting his doodle hole diddled.

By dudes with large diddles.

Oh, Diddy done did it.

Now if y'all wonder why John looks so familiar, he was at a Diddy party.

You weren't supposed to tell.

That was one time, dude.

Listen, Chat.

John walked in there and he looked at everybody.

He goes, holy, I'm coming.

And he.

He did.

He.

Instantaneous.

Instantaneous.

It was.

It was an amazing story.

And they still talk about it at every Diddy party.

Well, used to, because there's no more.

Have you ever.

Have you ever heard that song Jizz in My Pants by Lonely Island?

I have not.

Dude, you're Missing out.

And my life is like that.

Your life is like that?

Yeah, it's a problem.

Absolutely.

Every time I come near you.

So for those who are tuning in, if you like, two friends just bullshitting, talking, reminiscing about stupid.

Wait, we're friends?

Oh, two lovers.

Two enemies.

Oh, love.

Wait, lovers.

Wait, hold on.

Wait.

All right, Betty had two idiots talking to each other.

This is a podcast that you're going to want to keep listening to.

So smash that subscribe button.

Share the out of it.

Listen.

And if you ain't sharing this to your baby mamas and your baby daddies, there's something wrong with you.

Share it to your baby mamas, your baby daddies, your baby uncles, your baby aunts, your baby grandparents.

Everyone John does have baby aunts too, y'all.

Cuz.

John, where are you originally from again?

South Carolina.

Y'all see that?

That's where Ed Cess was born from.

That's not true.

It's Georgia.

No, it's actually Kentucky.

I was testing your ass.

You failed.

No, it's Georgia.

Kentucky.

Kentucky's there, bro.

And Kentucky.

There's more uncle in Kentucky than anything.

Nah, nah.

In Georgia, there's a bunch of uncle daddies and auntie moms.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah.

All right, that's it.

I'm going to croc now.

All right, let's play some bets.

Now.

What state has the most.

Why am I doing this?

What state has the most incest right now?

Let's see.

Think.

It's.

It's.

It's Georgia, dude.

I'm telling you what state is.

You're saying Georgia is known for the most.

Why the am I looking this up?

Incest.

Let's see.

The state that is known for its most incest is.

It seems like there may be a typo in your question.

I assume you meant incest.

There is no defendant.

Universally accepted data pinpoint to a single US State as having the highest incidence of incest.

However, based on available information and discussion, some.

Oh my God.

Wrong.

That the state more rural or isolated populations might have a higher rate of inbreeding or incest.

Kentucky is frequently mentioned in the context, particularly due to historical antidotes like the Fugate family, known for inbreeding and genetic conditioning caused by blue causing blue skin.

Eastern Kentucky.

Isolated mountain communities are often cited as contributing to higher inbreeding rates.

It's Kentucky.

No, it's not.

Dude.

I just literally looked up Grok and Grok does not lie.

You're wrong and I'm wrong.

I'm Gonna tell you why.

Why?

Why?

Because Baltimore, Maryland is the incest capital of the United States.

Well, that's not what I'm seeing here.

I'm seeing that as Kentucky.

And that's what Grog.

That's.

It's not.

Elon Musk created grok.

Okay, Gro.

I don't care.

Dude, he's wrong.

Grock is God.

No, no, listen.

I got numbers for you.

You ready?

Listen, I got.

I got.

I got numbers for you.

Ready?

I don't give a.

Shut the up.

Listen, who, who, who's the one that created.

No double barrel to you too.

Listen.

God, that's still too high.

Attributing this to its rural.

Nice.

I would know you.

Holy.

15 of u.

S.

Families have experienced an incest event with states like Kentucky, Alabama and Tennessee listed as hot spots by various aggregators like world population review.

Mother, tell me there's a hot spot where you live and it's you.

Well, I was born and raised in Maine, so we.

I think we're good.

Tell me your uncle diddled you without.

Telling me your uncle diddled you.

Tell me your mama used a co hanger.

They'll tell me your mama used a co hanger.

This brain did.

Shut up.

Let's go.

One of the weird facts we look up as.

We're just sitting here talking about stupid.

Or should I just share a screen here really small and have the.

Have Grock write a.

Oh, see, we're live on platforms I won't get banned on.

Ooh, John, I got you.

You all ready for this one?

Have y'all ever heard Grok write a song for somebody?

Oh, God.

Don't.

Don't.

Oh.

Oh.

We're doing it.

We're doing it.

You.

You brought this up, so now we're gonna do it.

Watch it.

This.

All right.

Are you writing a song for me?

I am.

I want you to roast my good friend John, who is a navy vet.

Watch this.

And he does love seamen.

He does love seamen.

Lives in central Maine.

Central Maine.

All right, y'all, we're gonna create, and then I'll share the screen.

I'll make the screen really tiny over here.

Y'all see?

See how.

Well, like, we're a mid podcast and this guy answers a phone.

Y'all see how this is.

And he's got some guy.

That was that Peewee Herman.

No, that was not Pee wee.

Were you FaceTiming peewee herman over there?

No, his name is Jake from State Farm.

Yeah, let's go with Jake from State Farm.

You know, if he was in the podcast right now and communicating with us, he.

He'd hear that.

But no, now, I mean, looking from this distance, though, he have a Russo nose.

What?

No.

A Russo.

Do you not know who Blossom Russo is?

No.

Dude so knows.

Do you know who Blossom Russo is?

No.

All right, cool.

Join the podcast.

You're about to find out.

Wow.

He.

He doesn't have a.

He doesn't know who Blossom Russo is.

Am I that?

Am I that?

Am I that old?

They're not interacting.

John, he's about ready to hear your roasting song.

Oh, wait, wait, wait.

No, no, no.

I need this.

I.

This is too clean.

Hold on.

This is too clean.

I want you to be unleashed, cuss words and all.

We are so not getting monetized on this.

But that's okay.

We're just starting out.

All right, y'all.

Oh, John, John, this is.

This is horrible.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You think I do this for the money?

Oh, now I do.

This are fun.

This is funny.

This is a blast.

This is a blast.

So I just told it.

I wanted it to be fully raw and use all cuss words.

All right, so you ready for your title of your song?

I still got to put the lyrics in it.

The title of the song is John Seaman Storm.

John Seaman Storm, bro.

Yep.

And it's.

It's gonna be done in the.

Hold on.

On aggressive comedy rap.

Raw, unfiltered, and brutal.

Oh, hold on, hold on.

Yo, Jacob, let's hear those numbers.

What numbers you talking about, Poppy?

The incest numbers.

Mark knows all about that.

Oh, we already went through those numbers, Jacob.

And, yeah, John John knew him right off the bat.

It was amazing how well he knew what they were.

I was quite shocked.

Like, John is.

John is a pro at knowing the numbers of ancestry.

That's Cap, dude.

Dude.

It was amazing.

When he told me about it, it made my jaw drop.

Like, wow, John, I can't believe you knew that.

Your mama.

Your mama did teach you.

Well, my mama didn't teach me, first of all.

All right, we're gonna go ahead and share this so we can have people in the stream here.

So what I'm going to try doing here, folks, is you're going to probably see it pop up on our screen really big.

And then I'm going to shrink it up just so it's not covering up our screen.

So let me share the screen here.

All right, we're gonna do the roasting.

We get.

We need the Suno popped up here.

So let me share.

Suno.

Boom.

There's sooner.

We're gonna drop Suno down over here just so y'all can hear the music.

All right, so there's Suno down there.

They're not going to be able to see it, John.

But that's okay.

They're gonna be able to hear the song.

Now I can't even see it.

That's okay, John.

Here's John.

Seaman Storm.

Enjoy, brother foreign.

Piece of.

Time to roast your ass.

You're gonna get hit central.

Major dump.

You disgrace.

This track's gonna bury you right in your face.

John, you salty.

What's with the semen king?