Death Row Inmates, Quantum Chips, and Walmart Shenanigans: A Chaotic Cadre Special

One's a grunt, one's a squid Talking trash like a couple of kids no script, no plan, just running their mouths.

If you don't like chaos, better tap out.

We got bad jokes, worst days, eating.

Like trash, saying what we think no filter, no clue, no knows, no shame if it don't make sense who's to blame?

So grab a beer, sit back, don't.

Stress it's just two dumb vets making a mess.

Yeah, baby.

I up.

Oh, how are we gonna start to show me it up already?

No, this is all John's fault.

This is all John's fault.

Here we go.

Let's do this.

All right, you drooling degenerates.

Welcome back to Chaotic Cadre, the podcast where two absolute disasters, me, Mark G.

And my partner John, drag you through the muck of the world's weirdest shit every Monday at 9:45pm because that's when the whiskey hits and the kids stop screaming.

Tonight on episode two, a festering pile of wild conspiracies, real X trending nutjobs, fucked up news, grim stats, and the top 10 games you losers are wasting your lives on.

Plus, we're debuting a new segment where we roast your pathetic viewers until you cry for fucking mercy.

I'm Mar?

G, a washed up streamer father of five because I'm a breeding fucking machine with no off switch, running a sad little cleaning company in the state of Maine, scrubbing toilets while I clutch onto my AR15 like it's my last shred of dignity.

Former army, sure, but they kicked me out on a med board faster than you could say trigger finger.

So now I'm here, drowning in hot sauce.

I make myself sp spicy enough to melt in your face because I'm a culinary God, baby.

And fishing like a lonely old man waiting for the apocalypse to happen.

Look at me, a second amendment nut with a tackle box and a mic.

Pathetic, right?

I'm a walking midlife crisis with a side of cayenne, you simps.

And then there's John, my co host, a great stepdad to one and adopted dad to a herd of strays slaving away as a manager as some TR trampoline arcade hell in central Maine.

Imagine this loser barking orders at sugared up brats, bouncing off walls while they're.

While he dreams of escaping to his twitch stream.

This guy's out here making pickles like some hipster grandma.

But when I shove my hot sass, shove my hot sauce down his throat, he's bawling like a little tears streaming snot flying.

A total embarrassment to manhood.

Hard worker.

Sure, if you count babysitting arcade machines and crying over spices.

He's a game stream of pickle prince who can't handle the heat and I'm stuck dragging his sorry ass through this show.

You're welcome, John.

You're sniveling.

Fucking clown.

Without me, you'd be lost in a bounce house weeping into your dill jars.

Now, for you brain dead fucking listeners, we've got a new segment tonight, Viewer roast.

He's already.

What the was that?

Was that you hitting a sound bite?

No.

What the.

Charl coming in with a he's dead blurp.

Let's go.

All right, y'all, let's start off with this new segment.

Segment where we turn the flamethrower on you pathetic freaks who actually tune in.

First up, Romancer gaming some TikTok streamer from Kentucky who's banging his stepsister.

Yeah, you heard that?

He's plowing his not quite sister and knocked her up.

Because apparently family values in Kentucky means keeping it in the trailer.

This hillbilly Casanova's out here streaming his incentous love story.

Congrats, Romancer.

You're a walking Jerry Springer episode with worst graphics.

You're a sister screwing fucking degenerate.

Your kid's going to call you daddy, uncle, and we're all cringing while you flex your banjo skills on TikTok.

Get a real job, you fucking redneck Romeo, and leave the family fucking tree alone.

Well, there's one more boy we gotta talk about.

Then there's Sully, y'all, another parasite living in a penthouse paid for by sugar mamas and daddies who shower him with cash because this greasy leech can't wipe his own ass without a Venmo tip.

This guy's got no job, just a parade of rich cougars and creepy old dudes gifted him Rolexes and Rent.

Meanwhile, you're out here streaming your pointless life, Sully, like some budget gigolo with a webcam.

I'm laughing at your sugar funded throne, crying for the dignity you never had and cringing at the STDs you're racking up.

Enjoy your penthouse, you talentless mooch, till your wrinkly sponsors dump you for a younger model, you pathetic gold digging slime ball.

Dear God, that is the intro to this show.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chaos Cadre, where we start off every episode with a roast.

How are you feeling over there, John?

How you doing, my man?

I told you I'd make it well worth you Brother, I told you I'd make it well worth it.

We'll give John a second here to.

Oh, how you doing?

My man John is losing his out there, y'all.

Hell yeah.

Sully.

What up, jc?

You doing good over there?

You doing good?

You?

Oh, Lord have mercy, y'all.

Give, give, give John a moment here.

John.

Everybody, Let me welcome in John.

John, how you doing, brother?

I'm good, I'm good.

You're good?

You good?

Did you need that good laugh tonight, brother?

Oh, my God, I did today, bro.

Oh, Lord have mercy, y'all.

I don't know what's going on here, Chat.

I activate some type of AIBs in here, so I'm trying to keep an eye on there.

JC says, what's happening?

Well, jc, we got a lot of to talk about today.

I feel like Mark should play the schedule one game.

I would love to.

I'm gonna have to get it.

I'm hearing a lot about it.

Is it fun?

Great.

It's great, dude.

All right, I'll have to get it.

I beat some dude with a baseball bat.

Oh, right.

Let's go.

It's awesome.

I'm really sorry.

How do I shut off this AI that I got going on over here?

Hold on.

This AI is driving me nuts already.

I was like, hey, what is this AI Chad stuff?

Like, I thought it chatted to freaking people that are talking in the stream, but apparently they're just chatting.

They're just.

They're just chatting like I'm playing a video game.

It's like, I am not playing a game.

Let's see.

Also, you missed a comment about how they didn't hear the sound blurb in chat.

Oh, they did not hear the sound blur.

So you probably have it on monitor or not output.

Well, let's see.

Unfortunately, I gotta figure out how to add the sound blurbs into this, so.

I'm sorry, folks.

I'm not an idiot.

It's just the way this works.

Nope, you're an idiot.

Okay, yeah, I'm an idiot.

But that's okay.

We're gonna figure this out one way or another.

This is like, I can't figure out how to shut up.

These AI chatters, like, hold on.

Oh, wait.

Add a chatter.

Oh, there we go.

And can I just shut off these, or are they on for good?

They're probably on till the end of the stream, bro.

They are.

They are.

Well, let's just have them listen to me then, huh?

Because I think if they listen to me, they actually respond back to the way I Talk.

Let's give it a shot, shall we?

I'm down.

All right, let's see what we can make these AI chatters.

Dude, John, are you ready for some conspiracy theories?

I'm so ready, dude.

I've been waiting all day.

Oh, and just for everyone in chat that knows, this kept me in the dark.

I don't know what we're talking about.

I don't know what we're doing.

I don't know anything.

Just.

Just know that's what I do to Gary too.

Just so you know.

I do this to Gary as well.

All right, y'all, my mic ain't on the fritz.

What the fuck?

You AI right, the AI.

All right, here we go.

All right, you melt, breathing degenerates.

Welcome back to Canada Chaos Cadre, where we shovel the weirdest CR the world's got straight into your empty skulls.

Tonight we're cracking open some conspiracies so batshit they'd make Alex Jones blush.

First up, death row inmates never died.

That's right, you simps.

They didn't fry them or juice them.

They faked the whole damn thing, staged some teary last meals and shipped these psychos off to an abandoned nuclear silo in the middle of nowhere.

Picture it.

Bundy, Gacy, Dahmer, still kicking, strapped to tables while some pencil neck scientists in a hazmat suit pumps them full of glow in the dark sludge to see if they grow gills or shoot lasers out of their eyes.

The government's like, oh, we executed them.

Justice fucking served.

Meanwhile they're down there in the dark turning murderers into fucking X Men rejects for some secret war we'll never hear about till the mutants bust out and eat Nebraska.

Is this a real or fake conspiracy theory, John?

What are your thoughts, my man?

I think that's.

I think that's fake.

Do you think that was fake?

I think it's fake as.

All right, you are right.

That is correct.

Real quick here.

JC says the hi.

The AI chatter is going to start talking gay because they copy how you talk.

Oh, fuck you, jc.

Love your brother, but fuck you.

Oh, yes, you are correct.

That one is fake.

I got real ones in there, but I got fake ones in there because I want to see if you can catch them on.

But could you imagine though, if we took all serial killers?

Dude said it.

We're gonna fake their death, make the public think they're dead.

I just.

I'm watching a show about this with the wife right now.

That's why I came up with this one.

I was like just imagine though, we didn't really kill him.

We took him off and we just started doing a bunch of tests on.

They'd be the perfect guinea pigs.

I mean, you're not wrong, but you also got to think about, you know, they have those psychopathic tendencies to be serial killers.

So what would, you know, really happen?

Well, we'd have to just like really push them to the limits.

How psycho can we make them?

We got them locked up in a cage that they just can't get out of.

Do you remember the story about the guy they kept alive for I think it was like 21 days and he was dying of radiation poison from Chernobyl?

Yes.

Skin fell off and.

Yep.

I hope they're doing that.

There we go.

Let's go, John.

Call for straight up mutilation, right?

It's gotta happen, dude.

It's gotta happen.

It's gotta.

Let's do it to all the pervs.

Sounds like a good thing, don't it?

Pervs, pedophiles.

Yes, yes, rapists.

Oh, you're speaking the good stuff now.

This guy named Mark G.

Oh, you dink.

You know what, John?

While you're over there fucking drooling, it gets even fucking dumber.

Out.

You ready?

Check this.

The moon.

It's a goddamn hologram.

A giant disco ball cooked up by NASA to keep us distracted while the Siphon tax doll is into Jeff Bezos bald head.

Those lunar landing sound stages, baby Armstrong small step was just him tripping over a prop guy sandwich like John A.

Just not recent recently.

And now they've got us staring at a fake glowing.

Or they dig alien gold out of Area 51.

Then there's the 5G towers.

Oh yeah, they're not for your shitty TikTok videos.

They're mind control beacons beaming straight into your soft little brains.

Making you buy more Funko Pops and vote for whoever got the best hair.

And don't sleep on this one.

Big farmer spiking baby formula with nanobots.

Tiny little bastards swimming in Similac programming.

And drooling little shitheads to crave kale smoothies and socialism.

Age 5.

I'm positively sure about that.

Maybe if you're half awake.

Far fetched, sure, but.

So your mom's new boyfriend and you're still buying it, you gullible clowns.

Gerald, you son of a.

Thank you so much for that sound bite.

I wish everybody else could hear him.

Hey.

Yes, sir.

The way you were talking about that Similac, sounds like someone's jerking nanobots into it.

They they possibly could be jerking nanobots any.

So am I supposed to guess if this is real or fake?

Yes, it's fake.

Absolutely.

Because could you imagine nanobots being put in Similac?

I mean, but we.

We know it's probably in the COVID vax.

Oh, dude, listen, listen, listen, listen.

I read an article earlier today while I was at work freaking the out.

Oh, I just started scrolling Google and trying to, you know, get way up from it.

Did you know that the covered vaccine, like there's like a bunch of like it's been proven to cause like all this going.

Yeah, all the heart conditions, heart attacks and like that's been killing people.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And it's all coming out now, finally.

Hey, by the way, anti baby, right?

I'm pure blood.

Let's go.

Same.

Oh, man.

All right, so.

Art stream.

Goddamn, I'm never using this AI again.

John, if you see any good though, like people talking like, you can click on the left side of the chat and you can pull up their chat that way there.

Nah, you lying.

Yeah, see, watch.

Click on their chat.

Shut up.

Click on the chat.

Click.

Show.

Hey, look, look.

AI Jasmine said.

Did the stream just crash or is my.

Why is it not why I'm hitting the plus thing but it's not showing up on the screen.

Try again.

It's not doing it.

It's not doing it for you.

Oh, dude, it probably has it all on you.

You.

Oh.

Who is Mark G?

It says doofus over there without a hoodie.

Marty.

What's up, Marty?

I can't even see Marty's chat.

Where the is he?

It's all the way up here like three minutes ago.

Oh, yeah.

Who is Mark G?

What up, Marty?

Marty, we have these AIs that are cluster.

Oh, wait, I can remove them here.

John, let's talk for a minute.

Let's talk about being remove them.

I can remove.

I'm removing the AIs right now.

Oh, thank God.

Because, yeah, the AIs are driving nuts.

Before I go on any more conspiracy theories, we are.

We're talking about the vaccine, dude.

We are talking about the vaccine.

Do you want to know my thoughts on it?

Yeah, what are your thoughts on it?

Tell me.

He sees me.

B.

The nexus of power.

Yeah, that's hot as.

Anyway, so when the vaccine came out, dude, I was like, I'm not putting that in my body because you don't know what's in it.

You don't know like covet happened.

Right, right.

I knew it was gonna happen.

That's point out blank.

That's why it's named COVID 19.

And it's just a flu.

It's just a flu.

It's like a really bad cold.

Yeah.

It's an intensified flu.

Yeah.

But then not even six months later, they come out with a vaccine.

Warp speed, baby.

Yeah.

There's no way they're just pumping antifreeze and drugs into your system.

I don't know about antifreeze.

That wasn't blue or green, so I'm not sure about antifreeze.

But, hey, Trump did say bleach it, remember, dude?

And all the people that really believe that's what he meant, though, was blew my mind, like, to really think that Trump really is telling people to inject bleach in them.

Those people got screws loose, man.

Hey, man, the guy just words up, like, I do that.

I think that's why I like Trump, because he talks the way I do and just says things that don't make sense.

You're like, what?

Yeah, dude.

Yeah.

No, I.

I question a lot.

Like, you'll text me and I'll be like, like, what the is he talking about?

Honestly, I'm so confused.

Like, I'll look at my wife and I'm like, babe, what the does he mean?

What's it.

What's that?

What's it going to take?

Who are you talking about, John?

Marty, Are you talking about John, what's it going to take you to shave that wannabe chin beard?

Marty's asking you.

No, he's talking about you, dude.

No, no, I think.

I think.

See, I've got the full facial.

You just got the little.

Yeah, but you're scraggly as.

You look like a dirty hobo.

Yeah.

So you.

You got the tickler over here that you really wish could tickle a clip, but your wife hasn't let you in that clip you like.

That's not true at all, you dumbass.

John.

Yeah.

John.

What.

What are you shave.

When are you shaving that?

What are you offering?

Talk to me.

Let's talk numbers.

What do you.

What?

What do you got?

What?

What you got?

Come on, give it to me.

I won't do it for anything less than $50.

Damn.

He's going straight up with a 50.

Yeah, Fitty.

Although that is negotiable.

Is negotiable.

Y'all want to see John with a shade face?

It's a womb broom.

You're not wrong, dude.

Calm down.

I love it.

Oh, no, I knew what you meant.

We got you, bud.

We understand what you're saying, how about this?

You give me $10, and you come shave it off my face.

How's that sound?

He's in Florida.

Be, like, really hard for him.

That sucks, dude.

It does.

Dear God.

My wife likes it.

She told me I'm sexy any way I am.

What's Jordan's memo?

I don't have Venmo, dude.

I don't believe in Venmo.

Hey, got Venmo.

You got cash app, though, though.

I do have cash app.

I only got cash app because of when I was working for you.

Yeah, just type your cash app in the chat, see if you randomly get.

No, no, you don't want to save his face.

Look, he's like, no, no, I don't want to give it out.

Listen, every.

Wait.

Do you think I could pull up your cash app real quick?

Let's see.

Hold on.

Make sure you have the right one.

Dude, I sent you money before.

Yeah, but you got to make sure it's the right one.

Let's see.

I don't even have cash app anymore because they.

Oh, nope.

I don't even have cash app on my phone anymore because they banned my ass off.

Cash app.

I.

I got banned on cash app.

Because you're laundering money.

Yeah, supposedly I was paying people from the business.

Hilarious.

Yes, I have cash app, but you're not getting.

He don't want to shave his face.

My chin will be cold.

Dude.

You know how long I've had?

Wait, so you said $50.

So if we happen to got, like, a 60 donation to cover the PayPal fees, I could PayPal you the 50, and then that would.

That would count as a $50 donation, and you would have to shave.

So there is a way around it, John.

You see, there is a way around it.

If we just happen to see a little screen pop up over here.

Say someone donated $60 and says, Pay, John.

You're.

You're.

You're.

You want me to go get my clips right now and shave it when the money comes through?

Like, we see that donation coming through, and I do.

I think I have donation sounds turned on.

They won't be able to see Trump pop up, but we'll hear Trump talking with the donation, so that would be kind of funny.

All right, folks, let's go.

Listen there, you drooling mouth breathers.

Now these smooth brain profits are screaming.

It's a cosmic signal.

2025 is going to be another dumpster fire.

Maybe a new plague.

Maybe aliens.

Maybe Baba Venga's ghost cackling as your burns.

Posts are flying.

94,000 an hour at peak last week, claiming it's too freaky to be random.

Like the universe is winking at us with a middle fucking finger.

I'm not saying it's true, but if you're dumb enough to think three days spell doom, you're probably still masking up in your mom's basement, you paranoid losers.

You know they're living in their mommy's basement, jerking off on peach rolls and eating them.

Dude, I.

You gotta love the ones.

That's like a large of those keyboard warrior liberals.

That's exactly what they're doing.

They come out once in a while to key and Tesla.

Try throwing their little pipe bombs at Tesla.

Then they're gone right back into mama's mama's basement.

Got Marty out there trying to talk to Jason.

I don't even know if JC is still in here, y'all.

I don't know.

I don't know.

For those who are listening on audio, you're gonna have to go back and watch the stream just so you can see everything that's going on.

But there is a.

We will pop this up just for a couple seconds here.

We'll let that sit there.

As I talk about this right here, these clowns are piling on.

Some say it's ties to Nostradamus predicting floods.

Others swear AI Baba Vanga's whispering about Trump and Putin croaking in 25.

Yeah, right.

Like an algorithm's gonna out soothe a.

A blind Bulgarian.

It's tripping hard because people love a good freakout.

X users whining we're cooked.

Look, maybe it's just quirky date thing.

Or maybe you're all so bored you'll buy any End Times fan fiction.

Either way, you're laughing up like it's gospel, you gullible schmucks.

And I'm here laughing as you panic.

Buy spam again, Marty.

Hey, I'm an archer.

I fucking love it.

Let's go.

Can we be best friends?

Marty's fucking awesome, dude.

Marty's awesome.

Listen, listen, folks, if y'all ain't following John's twitch, we'll get his tick tock up on the website.

His wife's Gonna make him a link tree.

So y'all can make sure you follow him on Tick Tock as well as well.

But all you gotta do is really look up Captain Snooch.

Yeah.

Still haven't really got the gist of that nickname, but we'll get there.

Do you really want to know the gist of that nickname?

Tell us, how did you.

How did you come up with Captain Snooch?

My gamer tag was show no mercy.

And I got bored of it because everyone would just call me Shono, which is like a Japanese thing.

And I'm not Japanese, obviously.

Look at me, I'm white as you are.

You look like Casper.

Oh, my God, shut up.

You would know John has a twitch.

That I have a shot.

I have a shot for that.

Let's go.

Snoochee, which came about because of Jane, Silent Bob, Strike Back, Mall Rats, Clerks, Clerks too, so on.

And so the nerdy show, the nerdy movies.

Yep.

First of all, they're not nerdy.

They're stoner movies.

Okay.

Secondly, the nerdy stoner movies.

Okay.

You're a piece of.

Yeah.

So then I went from Dr.

Snoochie to just Snooch, and then it became about Captain Snooch because I was running a clan on Call of Duty.

Yo, what's up, Zachary?

How you doing?

And so it came about as like, I was like a leader or whatever.

And like the Red Clan or whatever.

They let you be a leader?

Yeah, dude, I was really.

I used to be really good.

Dude, I used to be really good at video games.

I don't think you understand.

So anyway, it became Captain Snooch and it's just been Captain Snooze since.

New name for John.

Dr.

Womb Broom.

Hey, I like that.

I like that.

Dr.

Womb Broom.

What would it take for you to change your.

All your social media to Dr.

Woonberg?

That's way too much work too.

You saw how much I struggle now with like all this tick tock and everything like that.

Like, I'm not changing money.

No amount of money or gifts or anything change my.

I've had people beg me to change my gamer tag and I'm not.

I'm not doing it.

So by the way, as we're getting kind of lost here, the WTF conspiracy theory that's going around on X, is that a real thing that people talking about or is that fake?

Real?

That is 100, correct.

It is a real one?

Yeah, I'm three for three.

I'm the best.

Let's see how you do with this next one.

You ready?

I'm ready.

Give it to me.

Give it to me.

This news lives forever.

What up, Zuba?

All right, y'all.

Next for you pathetic conspiracy junkies.

But now the wing nuts say it's proof Biden's gonna cling to power like a dictator with what the.

This is old conspiracy, John.

That is an old conspiracy.

I did.

Dude, I did not make the list for stuff tonight.

That was all you.

You left me in the dark like I did.

I did.

I did.

Wow.

Educated.

Yeah, we are really educated here.

Let's go the.

You know what?

Let's go.

The next conspiracy theory I up.

I should have proofread these conspiracy theories, but I did it.

Someone clipped that.

He said he up.

Finally.

Don't clip this.

Don't clip it.

Clip it.

I never once said I up.

You just said it again.

I plead the fifth.

You said I up.

Some Brazilian psychic named Athos Salome, the living Nostradamus, predicting we'll lose our grip on tech next year.

Quantum computers cracking every code, implementable chips turning us into Elon's fucking pets.

Poster spiking.

Hashtag Quantum conspiracies got X users freaking out.

What the fuck was they for?

The follow, he nailed Kobe.

He's legit claiming Quantum's text on a shred Global security while we're all microchip like lab rats browsing X with our eyeballs.

It's trending because you love doomsday profit.

Especially one who sounds like he's auditioning for a sci fi flick.

The X hives and a meltdown.

Some say it's the mark of the beast.

Other think it's big tech's end game with views hitting millions as a tie to the must neural link or Trump's tariffs screwing cyber defenses.

Plausible?

Sure, if you think psychic crystals, balls beats a hard drive.

Far fetched.

Hell yeah.

But you're the same clowns who think 5G fries your nut sack.

So of course you're swallowing this whole salaams out here, predicting cyber wars while you're googling how to remove a chip from my ass.

Good luck, you unwashed weirdos.

You're the real experiment.

What do you think, John?

You have a chip in your ass?

I don't have a chip, my ass, but do you?

You just said it.

I did not.

I was talking about them, the people listening.

I don't know if I don't know about.

John, I think you may have a chip in your ass.

I think.

Nah, I think somebody at your work put it in there.

One of those kids ran up and injected you with a chip up your ass.

There's so many things I could say that I can't say because it's very inappropriate.

Folks, we're going to be opening up the lines here in about.

I'd say in around the third segment.

We'll open up the.

We'll open up the phone lines.

John love.

John loves the spiky butt plugs, by the way.

I do.

They feel so nice.

He does.

He loves the ones that could shred his into a bloody pole.

Help.

Hey, shut the up and let me answer your question.

Oh, okay.

Answer my question.

I'm gonna go with that's true.

Are you sure?

Is that your final answer?

I'm hesitating.

I'm gonna go with true.

Okay, well then your answer is absolutely in.

No, it's correct.

I'm correct?

Yeah, correct.

Dude, I'm a God.

You can't touch me.

Now, John, you have said everything is true.

Now all this news I'm about to tell you, I'm not going to ask you whether it's real, fake, because all this is real and it's okay.

This is news that's happened in the past week and hot week and a half.

Are you ready for this one?

Laying on me, daddy.

All right, first up for all you brain dead degenerates, a guy in Ohio got caught trying to smuggle a live python in his pants at a Walmart because nothing screams I'm a functioning adult like stuffing a six foot snake down your khakis.

Cops rolled up after shoppers saw this moron waddling around with a bulge that wasn't his ego.

Turns out he taped the thing to his leg and it was hissing mad by the time they prided off him.

He claimed it was his emotional support animal.

Yeah, right, buddy.

The only support you need is a padded cell and a lobotomy.

This week's been a circus and this guy's a ringmaster or dumb.

Picture this, you're drooling simpletons.

The snake whisper is sobbing as they haul them off.

Walmart's got an urban legend and X is fucking losing it.

People saying he's a hero fighting big pet stores.

Others betting he's just high on Basalts.

Again, plausible.

Sure, if you think pythons cuddle better than a golden retriever up.

Oh, yeah, because who wakes up thinking today's the day I pants a reptile?

This is peak America, where freedom means turning a superstore into a goddamn zoo and crying when it backfires.

You absolute muppet.

Okay, go for it, Zachary.

I don't know who you are, but I'm pretty smart.

Okay, Bob.

And two, I would totally not put a python.

I'd be afraid the thing would break my dick.

John says Ohio's a myth, right?

Ohi is a dude.

Ohio's got a lot of right.

People shoving pythons down their pants, hoping their junk could get to the size of the python, and they're eating the cats and dogs.

Oh, hold on.

Hold the on.

Zuba, go punch that little in the face.

That is awesome.

All right, John, since you love the python pants, John, how much money would it take to have a python go down your pants and have you walk around Walmart?

2.5 mil.

Oh, damn, you going high, dude, I don't like snakes.

They terrify me.

Do they?

I've seen way too many go wrong with, like, snakes, man.

I know.

Literally, not even two days ago, I saw a tick tock where a snake latched onto a model's nose and, like, almost ripped it off.

I was like, that's awesome.

I'm good.

I know.

We're getting John for his birthday, y'all.

You.

You don't know what my birthday is.

Can we.

Can we doordash a python at John's house, y'all?

No.

We'll give him the whole kit.

The.

The aquarium and everything.

Just doordash a python.

John will open up his door.

There'll be a python greeting him.

Oh, my God.

You know.

You know what will happen to that python?

Your wife would be telling you to keep it.

I know.

I'm gonna.

I'm gonna.

I can't.

I don't think I can put it on camera, but I have a hobbit sword from Lord of the Rings.

Chop that thing's head off.

Like Ron or whoever.

I think it was Neville and Harry Potter killed Nagini.

I' Dear God.

Well, Jarl says, only in Ohio can you walk through Walmart and ask ladies if they want to visit the petting zoo Reptile exhibit legend.

Let's go, Jarl.

Yeah, just put your hand down below, baby.

Give it a little stroke.

Oh, you make them so happy.

Let's go.

Next up, for all you pathetic weirdos, a woman in Florida microwaved Her ex's goldfish to send a message after he dumped her.

Because nothing says I'm over you like nuking Nemo into a fish jerky.

Cop says she broke into his place, grabbed the little swimmer and zapped it for three minutes.

Came out looking like a sad crispy snack.

She told him it was symbolic.

Yeah, symbolic of you being a psycho who should have just keyed his car like a normal lunatic.

This week's Unhinged.

What the.

This would cackle at his revenge plot.

Gone.

Aquatic X is buzzing.

Half the post are poor fish.

The other half are she's a queen.

While I'm over here wondering how you even hate someone enough to cook their pet, but not enough to just move on.

The ex is traumatized, the fish is a martyr, and she's facing jail time because apparently Florida does got a law against turning aquariums into a goddamn microwavable war zone.

It's weird as hell.

It's messed up, and it's proof humanity's circling the drain.

Enjoy your fish sticks, you unhinged harpies.

Wow.

I have a lot of hatred in me, but I could never kill a pet.

No.

I would never any.

Any pet in that manner.

I would not kill a pet.

Not me, man.

Not me.

Gerald, if you hear this, it's time to swallow.

He's still on the snake.

He's still on the snake.

He's still on the snake, man.

He is still on the snake.

Let's go.

Oh, that dude.

These are legit news stories, too, by the way.

None of these are fake.

These are all real news stories that have come out this week.

I'm so glad that I don't know any of this.

You're really enlightening me today.

Am I?

Are we sharing?

I feel smarter already.

Well, it's no idea.

Well, let's make you a little bit more smart.

Are you ready?

I'm ready.

Give it to me.

All right, third up for all you sad sacks, including John.

A dude in Texas got arrested for marrying his cousin's taxidermied raccoon.

Yes, you heard that?

A stuffed roadkill wedding with vows and a cake.

This genius set up a backyard ceremony, slipped in a ring on its little paw, and called it its true love.

Cops crash it after neighbor snitched, and now he's facing charges for public absurdity or some.

He's crying.

It's my right.

No, pal, it's your ticket to a psych ward.

X is riding right now over this.

Memes of raccoon bridesmaids, people asking if taxidermy is a new tender.

And I'm just picturing this loser slow dancing with a stiff coon skin corpse under a dollar store disco ball.

Plausible if you're drunk enough on moonshine.

Up beyond belief.

Because who looks at a dead raccoon and thinks that's wifey material right there, baby.

This week's a fever dream.

And this guy a poster child for why we need better hobbies.

Jesus Christ.

I believe that I've seen some wild in my life.

I believe that 110.

I know it's true because you're saying it is.

But like, even if you didn't tell me it was true, that's true as.

Dude, I've seen some dude a dog once.

Hey, Marty.

Oh, dear God, Marty.

Devil's blood is great, man.

That.

That hot sauce was some of the best hot sauce I made.

The devil's blood hot sauce is good.

John loves hot sauce, y'all.

No, I don't.

John absolutely loves it.

That's such a lie.

You're lying.

John is like my best beta tester for hot sauces.

Like, if I want to see someone react really good in my hot sauce, I give John a sample and I get the best reactions ever.

It's great.

He just likes watching me suffer.

He's a.

The best.

The best suffering you ever did, though.

Still, that one nut challenge, that was great, dude.

The fetal position.

I was cramping, bro.

That's not devil's blood.

That's Satan's blood.

Zuba and I sent it to you.

John only likes the after effects from eating.

That's it.

He.

He gets a rush after eating it.

Just like.

Just like the one chip challenge, huh, John, you d.

I'll tell you what.

Let's go before we go into the next news story about this granny.

This is going to be a good one with a granny one.

But before we get to the granny, let's talk about John and his stream on Twitch for the one chip challenge.

You're not going to pull that clip up, are you?

I don't have the clip.

I really wish I did, but I don't have it.

But if you go.

Actually, I'm not gonna tell you.

Well, let's just put it out there.

Like John did the one chip challenge.

He had to get all these followers or whatever.

And if he got all these followers, he had to eat the one chip.

It wasn't followers, it was subscribers.

Right On Twitch.

You had to get X amount of subs.

All right, so he hit his.

He hit his sub goal.

He ate the one chip.

John didn't last.

Tiny little bite.

He didn't?

No, he ate the chip, but he didn't last.

He didn't even last five minutes on stream.

Within 30 seconds of eating that chip, John was off the screen.

We all just sat there and stared at an empty room, dude.

And we can hear John in the background.

And then all of a sudden his wife comes over and puts on the music.

So you're hearing like this elevator music playing and then all of a sudden the stream ends.

You try texting John.

All you get back from is you.

Bro.

It was so bad.

Like, okay, okay.

The chip was so stale and dry and crummy and like, I couldn't get it down.

And when I got it down, my body was like, nah, dude, you.

And then I puked it up.

Up.

Which, by the way, do not recommend.

Oh, man, it comes right back up.

Fiery hell again.

Yeah.

So then I went into the bathroom and I shoved my face under the faucet, dude.

And just ran cold water over my face and.

And like all the capsaicin that was in my mouth like streamed down the sides of my face and neck and I was like, I'm dying.

Well, you weren't dying, but it surely felt like it.

I was laid up with stomach cramps, the shits, and vomiting for three days, bro.

That's epic.

Wait till we do Satan's toe.

You wait till we're doing Satan's toe, baby.

It's coming.

It's coming.

I will order it on Amazon.

I just need to get your address.

I'm gonna ship one to you.

I'm gonna ship one to me.

We're gonna do the Satan's toe live on here on the podcast.

What's that?

You can't pay me enough?

Oh, I'm not gonna pay you.

We're just gonna do it.

Yeah, yeah.

See, I gotta do these things for money.

No, no, we ain't gonna do it for monetary.

We just gotta do it for fun.

You're a piece of.

I know it.

Let's go.

But Jarl did share some news to us.

He goes.

In other Mark G.

News, a babysitter in Kansas checked under the bed for a monster after a child complained to find a unknown 27 year old man asleep.

It was Mark.

Good thing I don't live in Kansas.

Hey, maybe.

Maybe it's that incest dude that got his sister pregnant.

Maybe, maybe he's streaming on Tick tock right now, I think.

Is he?

I think he is.

Hold on, let me go up in there.

See See if the incest guy is streaming on Tick Tock.

He is.

Is he?

Oh, man.

We have this guy, y'all.

I believe he's actually from Kentucky.

He is.

He's married and got knocked up.

His stepsister.

Y'all.

What the hell?

Get out of there.

Get out of that.

What the.

Are you watching, John?

What the kind of you tuning into over there?

That is.

Is that his dream?

Yeah, going off.

How the he not getting banned right now?

I don't know.

Yeah, John.

Kentucky is the new incest capital.

Let's go.

All right, y'all.

Well, John's playing that up stream.

Let's get to this next news story here.

A British granny got busted running a secret fighting ring in her garden shed.

76 years old, hobbling around with a cane, pitting roosters against each other like a fight club for feathers.

Cops raided her after a neighbor heard the clucking.

Chaos, found blood bets and a dozen birds ready to brawl, all while she's sipping tea and calling it a bit of fun.

She's like, it's tradition.

Yeah, Nan, so is the guillotine, but we don't do that anymore, you demented little old bat X's.

Wild clips of roosters squaring off Brits defending her like she's the queen of chaos and animal.

Right?

Folks are losing their goddamn mind.

She's facing fines that.

Oh, man, the shed's a crime scene.

And I'm imagining her knitting between matches, cackling as the feathers fly.

It's strange as hell, plausible if you squint at history, but so screwed up if you wonder if she's got a secret basement.

UFC next.

This week's proof.

Age doesn't mellow you, it just makes you weirder.

You tea sipping psychos, you really struggled.

On that last bit.

I did.

I did.

You know what?

I'm gonna get through this last news segment.

It's the last one, all right?

So listen up, John, you unwashed goddamn disaster.

A guy in California tried to rob a bank with a live crab as his weapon.

Yeah, you heard that, right?

Walked in, pulled it from his backpack and waved it like a Glock, screaming, give me the cash or crab gets it.

Teller hits the panic button while the idiots dodging the crab claws.

He bolted with nothing but pinched fingers and a warrant.

He told cops it was a performance art.

Sure, Picasso, if art's being a dumbass with a shellfish and X is eating it all up.

Videos of a crab guy trending, people calling him a legend or a loser.

And I'm Picturing him practicing in the mirror.

You're my Bonnie.

Crab to my Clyde.

It's plausible if you're desperate and high up, because who picks a crab over a ski mask?

This week's a parade of morons just like John, and this guy's leading it.

Scuttling away and doing family.

Enjoy jail, you seafood slinging clown.

What is wrong with America?

You want to go rob a bank with a crap?

I mean, he might have had better luck if he had a baggie full of itching crabs, but he had a seafood crab.

If he at least brought the itching crabs, he could have threw him at him.

Yeah, he could have.

He could have.

It could have been a itchy situation, but no, he was legit crab.

All right, John, so last week on the podcast, you and I are arguing over statistics.

We both were wrong, though.

We both were absolutely wrong.

We were talking about incest statistics.

Now I've got some new statistics for you.

Are they gonna blow my mind?

I'm not sure if they are, but we're gonna find out.

That's weak as.

So he's got your Tick Tock pulled up on his Tick Tock.

I don't know why he's got my Tick Tock pulled up because we're not live on Tick Tock.

I told him.

I told him to go to YouTube, dude.

Because this podcast is never going to be on Tick Tock.

There.

There's no way in hell I'd be banned within 30 seconds.

Just in the roasting factor.

I'd be banned.

You guys are lucky you even get clips of this on.

On Tick Tock.

Yeah, we're pushing the limits with Eclipse.

We are pushing limited Eclipse.

I've had to delete, like, two of them because I'm like, oh, no, these ones are gonna get pulled.

But all right, let's get some.

Yeah, you Tick Tock.

Exactly.

Tick Tock.

Tick Tock is censoring a lot of people right now.

There's a lot of people losing accounts right now, too.

I'm seeing it all over Tick Tock.

All right, y'all, let's.

Let's talk some up statistics right now.

And data inflation still kicking us in the fucking teeth.

Groceries are up 12% since last March, and you're out here just choosing between ramen and rent while some Wall street ghoul buys his third yacht.

I'm cringing at your empty stomachs, laughing at the land of plenty lie.

And crying because you're still posing avocado toast pics like it's not a luxury now.

Pathetic X is a graveyard of whiners.

Eggs are $8.

No, they're not.

I mean my dog's kibble.

And it's funny till you realize half these clowns voted for the suits who screwed them.

The USDA says food insecurities hit 15 of households highest since the pandemic.

And I'm over here giggling at your thoughts and prayers for a two dollar loaf of bread while tears streamed down my face for the kids.

Eating.

Eating ketchup packets for dinner.

It's a horror show.

You're starving in the richest country ever, you dumb beautiful bastards.

Interesting.

So 20% of America's eating ketchup packets.

Not me.

No, not me.

John's eating peanut butter jelly sandwiches with a slice of baloney.

They're so good.

That's what he had before we had to start up the stream.

John's like, I got to eat.

I got to eat.

Work all night.

Dude, what do you want from me?

Romance or gaming says lies.

Ketchup.

Hey, Jarl, I don't know.

I'm not a big fan of ketchup anymore neither.

I'd much rather have ranch or blue cheese or hot sauce.

Dude ranch is dude.

I have ranch on everything, bro.

Even rice.

Ranch.

Rice.

Yo trust.

No, you.

You are a sick.

You're a sick ranch on rice.

What the is wrong with you?

Are you sure you're not related to romance or gaming?

He didn't give you a little nothing?

Sausage up your anal or something?

Because you are over there talking about ranch on.

No, this is some incest talk right here.

I'm telling you what y'all.

This is up.

Hey, look, he's.

John's already talking about bacon.

Oh, Bacon ranch sound good?

I'm down for bacon ranch.

Oh, who's the now?

Let's go.

Bacon ranch.

Who's the now, dude?

Ah, gotcha.

He can't be here for long.

Well, he already missed his roast.

He'll have to watch it for the beginning.

He missed his roast.

He's gonna have to watch from the beginning.

It's great, dude.

You should clip that and use it.

It's that good.

All right, y'all, here's your next stats next for you drooling degenerates.

40%.

Because apparently life's too fucking hard when your wi fi lags.

Depression's a badge of honor.

And these fucking snowflakes are melting faster than an ice cube in a microwave.

Cringe at the weakness, Laugh at the therapy speak.

Cry because they're still broke on $15 an hour and X is fucking flooding right now.

My boss said good morning.

I cried for three hours.

Hours.

And it's hilarious till you see the stats.

Suicide attempts at 18 and 25 year olds spiked 8% since January.

I'm cackling at your self care bubble bass while he's sobbing for the kids who's too scared to leave his room.

Half of them can't afford a shrink so they're doom scrolling X instead.

You fragile phone addicted disasters.

All right, hold on one second, romancer.

You weren't here.

That's not my fault.

Fault.

Secondly.

Hi, KJ and Jarl.

You had a mental breakdown watching snowflakes have a mental breakdown except Y cut you to punch dudes.

That's great.

Jarl's awesome man.

Jarl, Jarl's great.

Listen, if Mark's never on, just find me.

Jarl's awesome man.

Jarl is a legend.

Jarl made me.

Jarl's actually somebody that has made me put the toe of Satan in my mouth mouth and have to hold it in my mouth for five minutes.

Hold on.

Jarl, are you gonna do that to me?

Because I hope not.

I want us to be friends, not enemies.

Friends, not enemies.

Yeah, we had this thing, it was on my birthday stream.

Subject change.

Since April 1st tomorrow, what's your best April Fool's joker trick you pulled off?

Who are you asking?

Both of us?

I think he's asking both of us.

I don't think I've ever, ever really pulled off an April Fool's joke.

You're a basic ass man, yo.

I am.

Basic is like what you got, John?

What do you got?

I'm not going to give you the location or time that this happened like year wise.

But there was one April Fool's prank where I convinced everyone that I had knocked up my girlfriend at the time with triplets.

And I had them going all day.

Like I.

I even went like, yo, thanks for that.

Subscribe.

Yes, thank you definitely for the sub.

Let's go, we need that.

But anyway, no.

So like I hadn't gone for like five weeks, dude, after April Fools.

It was hilarious.

Hilarious.

Not Like a monster, but it was hilarious.

Hilarious.

You mark how hilarious?

Give me a.

Oh, yeah.

Can I get a.

Oh, yeah.

Come on, John, do it.

Get it, John, get it.

It's been so long.

Let's see if he wakes up his wife.

Dude, I don't want to.

Come on, John.

You gotta do.

You gotta do it as if we were working right now.

Come on, John.

You got this.

You got.

You got to do it, John.

Come on.

I can't remember the rest though.

You gotta.

You gotta say you remember the rest.

You remember the rest, John.

What?

Hurts.

Yeah, John, I'll help you out.

I will get you one better with this lovely voice.

Here, hold on.

I got you.

Wait, wait.

Won't say the job's name, but convince my boss I had just sold 100k worth of equipment to a military gym, then told him April Fools and gave my two week notice.

Oh, dear God, that helper.

I love that.

That's great.

All right, John, I got you with the.

Oh, my Hurts.

There you go, John.

I got you.

I got you.

I got you.

My man.

Oh.

All right, y'all, let's go.

Well, let's go with this next fucking news story.

Over.

Oh, no, we're not.

We're on stats.

Yeah, we're on stats, dumbass.

DOT reports meaning you're driving over death traps held together with rest and prayers.

We've dumped trillions into wars, but can't fix the 50 year old concrete crumbling under your tires.

Cringe at the potholes, laugh at the infrastructure week memes.

Cry when you realize you're one crack away from a watery grave.

X is a goddamn ride over this right now too.

They just saw a bridge sway.

Lol.

Sin help.

And it's funny till you clock the 12 collapse this year killing 19 people.

I'm howling at your tax dollars paving some dictators driveway overseas while tears hit the floor for the poor bastard who didn't make it across the i95.

America's third world country with better PR, you gullible schmucks.

If Marty says I got a boner now.

Listen, listen.

Why can't a bridge ever collapse when I'm on it?

Oh, dear God.

You would want to bridge a class in your own, wouldn't you?

Yeah, then I wouldn't have to talk to you anymore.

You.

So this next stat's pretty interesting.

All right, I'm out.

Time to go.

Tolerate my.

My boss and act like my co workers are telling.

I know that is hard, dude.

I have to do it every day.

Jarl, John had a phenomenal day at work today, man.

He was loving all his co workers and all his customers today.

John.

John wants to give all his customers tomorrow roses because they were so good to him today.

No, they can go themselves.

I don't think you understand just how frustrating it is that I can't hit you children.

Oh, dear God.

What the.

All right, John, let's talk about children for a minute with this stat there, since you just open it up right there.

Have a good one, jarl.

Have a good one, Gerald.

All right, y'all, for this one right here for all you sad little freaks.

And John mentioned children.

30% of u.

S.

Kids under 5 years old, over 6 million live in homes with lead painter pipes.

Guzzling brain damage juice like it's kool aid.

We've known this shit's poisonous reason since the 70s.

But nah, let's keep the landlords rich while your toddler's IQ drops.

Cringe at the negligence.

Laugh at the thoughts and prayers from congress.

Cry because these kids are screwed before kindergarten.

X is raging right now.

My kids are eating paint chips.

Thank you, biden, you dink.

And it's a dark chuckle till you see the stats.

Lead exposure link to a 7 point IQ drop up on average.

I'm snickering at your future leaders slurping toxins while bawling for the parents who can't afford to move.

Your government's too busy bailing out banks to save your babies, you clueless paint chugging clowns.

Last up though, let's finish it out, you sniveling little losers.

One in four U.S.

Trump biden tariffs mask.

Pick your fucking poison and watch your thanksgiving table shrink.

Cringe at your pettiness.

Laugh at the x fights.

Cry because you're torching real bonds for some talking head on tv.

X is a goddamn war zone right now.

I blocked my cousin over his tariff takes and it's hilarious to you.

See the loneliness stats.

40% of you are socially isolated now, up 5% since last year.

And I'm cackling at your I'm right your hitler meltdowns while we're weeping for the poor SAP eating alone because his buddies a libtard you're all so enlightened.

You're miserable.

You selfless, righteous, friendless jackasses.

John agreed quite a bit on that one.

Listen, it's not my fault that I like Trump.

He gets me hard, dude.

Hey, I.

I will admit you just mentioned his name and I went six to midnight.

Real quick.

You hear Trump, be like, baby, give it to me, Trumpy.

And then when they heard Biden, I.

Go get all soft.

But yes, but when you hear Biden, though, you do think about ice cream.

That is weird.

You're right.

Chocolate chip mint ice cream right now does sound really good.

You get it with that schmucks chocolate cover.

You squirt it on there.

Makes it hard and crunchy.

No, I was thinking about chocolate ice cream with chocolate syrup and chocolate sprinkles.

You know, cuz, you.

That's right.

Gotta have a little shitty on that leprechaun.

Can't go wrong, you know?

I wonder if mint chocolate chip ice cream is thought of a leprechaun.

It's like a leprechaun ice cream treat.

That's a good treat, man.

That's really good.

I think next time my kids say they want some ice cream, I'm gonna be like, you want some leprechaun?

Let's see how they react.

Be like, what's leprechaun, daddy?

That's that mint chocolate chip, baby.

Yo, you gotta call me when you do.

Be like, daddy bought some new ice cream.

It's leprechaun.

It's a leprechaun, baby.

Oh, man.

All right, y'all, let's talk some video games so John and I can just sit here and shoot this, y'all.

John, there's 10 new games in the play this week.

Huh?

John, name me 10 video games do you think right now top streaming and top playable this week and we'll see if you're right.

Just name them off top of your head.

Let's go.

And then I'm.

And then I'm just going to go right through them all and then we're gonna talk.

Like, top streamed games right this week.

This week.

This week.

Repo, Call of Duty, Apex, Schedule 1, Stardew Valley, Minecraft.

I forgot what number I was on.

6.

Phasmophobia.

PUBG.

You got a crab over there.

You were the one that robbed that damn bank.

What the.

Was that clicking?

Oh, yeah.

Zuba's right, Arc.

There's no clicking over here.

Dude, I just heard clicking over there.

I think you're smoking crack.

No, that's not Later, a new world to turn them.

Those are the 10 games.

Those are the 10 games.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, after scouring the Internet, here are your top 10 games to stream or buy this week.

First one up is Monster Hunter Wild.

You sad lonely freaks can't stop slobbering over over Monster Hunter Wilds.

Capcom's latest meat grinder launched this year and you're all streaming it like it's your last lifeline.

Slashing at a giant lizard while crying into your Mountain Dew.

It's topping Twitch with 300,000 viewers peak this week.

Because nothing says I've got no friends like hunting a Thunder Dragon for 12 hours straight, you obsessive basement dwelling psychos.

Buy it?

Sure, if you got $70 to burn and a death wish for your social life.

X is flooded with clips of you morons getting flattened by radial and then bragging about your epic builds.

Like anyone gives a goddamn.

It's brutal, it's gorgeous.

And you're all addicted.

Congrats.

You're the human equivalent of loot gobbling you disgusting little gremlins.

Didn't have that one in your goddamn list, did you, John?

No one the dude.

No.

Well, here's your next one, you little sobbing little.

Little.

The next one up in the number two category, of course is Call of Duty Black Ops 6.

Oh look, Call of Duty Black Ops 6 is still here, you sweaty screaming try hards.

Twitch has got it at 250,000 viewers and you're all buying it like it's a crack because you love getting teabagged by some 12 year old with a better KD.

It's the same recycled garbage from last year, but shinier.

Perfect for streaming your rage quits to an audience of equality.

Sorry, equally brain dead losers.

X is a cesspool of.

Check my montage.

Post spoiler.

No one cares, you quick scoping clowns.

Shell out $60 if you hate yourself enough to join this meat grinder.

Your mom's credit card's already crying and you're still trash at it, you pathetic trigger happy disasters.

John, why are you calling me out like that, you piece of.

I have not been playing Call of duty Black Ops 6 lately, so.

No, he's been playing DMZ.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Coming soon.

Tony Hawk 2.0 from Activision.

Oh dear God.

I mean, you're not wrong.

No, not at all.

The next game though.

Number three.

Yalls Fortnite the kitty crack, you brainless drones.

Keep snorting.

It hits 200,000 on Twitch this week with a new season drop and you're all buying skins like it'll fix your sad empty lives.

Stream it, you dancing fools and show off your shitty builds.

Because nothing's more brutal than watching you get sniped by a pro while flossing like a reject.

X is drowning in Victor Royale flexes from you talentless hacks.

$20 for a skin doesn't make you good.

It makes you a wallet for epic, you gullible little shits.

Play it, stream it, waste your life.

It's neon hellscape for children and man children.

And you're the poster boys, you embarrassing clowns.

Mark, I was just gonna say that.

I'll roast myself.

That is me.

Listen, I play it.

I play with my kids.

I have fun with it.

Leave me alone.

The next, the next one on definitely a tick tock.

The next one up though, y'all is grand theft auto number 5.

A 12 year old corpse you idiots keep digging up still pulls in 150.

50,000 viewers on Twitch because you're too broke for GTA 6 and too dumb to move on.

Stream your carjacking sprees, you unoriginal losers.

X's claws clogged with RP is life posts from grown men pretending to be drug lords.

And it's as sad as your real lives.

Buy it.

It's $20 now, you cheap little bastards.

Rocking the same busted graphics while Rockstar laughs at your nostalgia addiction.

You're a walking fucking punchline, you retro worshiping dipshits.

So go get a job instead, you townless little fucking hacks.

Hey, don't you RP that you can.

I've tried it.

It's kind of a.

Because you are doing keyboard and mouse.

I hate keyboard and mouse, dude.

I like my.

Listen, I like my game controller that I hook up to my PC because that's real gaming.

Gaming.

I didn't.

I didn't realize you were a ass.

Hey John.

How are you playing DMZ last night?

I was playing amazing last night.

And what were you playing with, John?

With dmz Mouse and keyboard.

You are lying sack of dog.

I'm not lying, dude.

You had a.

You had a controller.

No, I did.

You admitted it last night on stream.

No, I did.

You absolutely did.

I said I don't use controllers for Facebook.

You're a lion sack of shit.

Right now all I have is my gaming mouse and my gaming keyboard.

Like I don't know what you're going.

It's very easy not to show the controller on the desk and just pick up the keyboard.

There's no controller on my desk.

You're the biggest pile of I've ever met in my life.

No, no, that's you.

I have so many people that can attest to the fact that I do not use a computer controller because I suck on controller now.

Oh yeah.

It's not the only thing you suck at.

Yeah, just you.

Dear God.

I'm like a leech, baby.

Dear God.

All right, y'all.

The number five game streaming right now on Twitch is EA.

Is EA Sports FC 25.

You soccer obsessed dorks are streaming this at 120,000 viewers on Twitch.

Buying 80 packs to lose some sweaty spinard because nothing's more pathetic than raging at a virtual ref.

It's FIFA with the worst name and you're still hooked, you goal kicking crybabies.

Cringe harder, losers.

X is a war zone on Messi's broken wines.

Spend your cash if you love overpriced roster updates and laggy servers.

You miss just what the Massachusettic morons.

Your life's a red card and you're the game's the proof.

Kick a real ball, you pasty controller clutching disasters.

I want you to pin that comment right now, please.

What you want Zubas?

Okay, I got you, Ronnie.

I will definitely pin that comment.

Give me a second.

You're a piece of dude.

That's not even the right comment.

That's not even.

Post multiple times.

He doesn't use controller.

Does not use controller.

I.

I think he up on the spelling.

He meant to say he does use a controller.

I think Zuba up.

I think Zuba it up.

It's not true, John.

You did get one game right.

Well, you got a couple of them right.

The next one up for number six is Minecraft.

I knew it.

This one's for all you block punching weirdos.

Keep it at 100,000 views on Twitch.

Streaming your dirt huts like it's high art because you're too fucking lazy to grow up.

Buy it for $30 if you're new to this cult.

Otherwise you're just another pixel slave wasting your life on a game older than your goddamn dog, you talentless little freaks.

And X is a gallery of rate my build garbage spoiler.

It's a 2 out of 10.

Just like your personality, you tree chopping rejects.

It's eternal, it's dumb and you're obsessed.

Congrats.

You're the human equivalent of crafting table.

You Madonna square headed clowns.

Only to whiff every shot.

You aimless losers.

Buy it.

It's free, you broke ass punks.

But you're still dropping $50 on skins to look cool while sucking.

Brutal X is a cesspit and a hard struck.

Tears keep crying.

You know talent hacks because you're never climbing out of silver.

It's a grinder game and you're the meat.

Enjoy your headshots, you crosshair missing ego bruise disasters.

Is John going to Minecraft?

I don't know.

Are you going to go watch the Minecraft movie, John?

Yeah, you know the wife is taking the kids to go see it.

Oh dude, we should link up.

You want me to go see that?

We'd have to in a daytime.

That's fine.

Yeah, make me go see Minecraft movie.

You know what I'm going to be doing in that movie?

It's going to be 10 minutes in.

I'm going to be over here.

Going to know what I'm going to do.

You're gonna smack me to wake me up because I'm 100.

Gonna start snoring during a Minecraft movie.

Dude, it's got Jack Black and Jason Momoa and you're not falling.

I'll fall asleep.

Who's Jason Momoa?

Huh?

Who's Jason Momoa?

I probably butchered his name.

I don't know.

Dude, the guy that plays Aquaman.

What's Aquaman?

Dude, you're a piece of.

Dude, you're so full of.

What's I.

I've never seen the movie.

You've never seen.

No.

Have you seen Game of Thrones?

No.

You're full of.

Dude, I have not.

I.

I can contest.

I can test right now.

I call the white.

I can't.

She's probably vacuum up salt.

She's probably pissed.

But no, I've never seen Game of Thrones.

It's just like.

I might as well say it on this podcast because I've said on many other podcasts I never watch a movie more than once.

Don't fall asleep.

John will steal your snacks of popcorn facts.

I don't watch a movie more than once.

Once you watch a movie, you don't need to watch it again.

That's not true.

That is true.

You don't need to watch a movie again.

Shut your.

Wow.

Why Getting a little petite over here, Johnny boy.

I've had a horrible day and she's coming Home.

Go for it.

Go for it.

Every Halloween, me, the wife and our kid watch Hocus Pocus.

And every Halloween and Christmas we watch the Nightmare Before Christmas.

Okay.

Okay.

Some movies are really good to watch over.

Why?

You've already seen it.

It doesn't matter.

It does.

Like, why would you watch a movie if you already seen it?

You already know what's going to happen.

There's no ah, shock and are in the.

Why watch it again?

Because it's a comfort thing.

How's it comforting when you're watching it?

Be like, oh, this is gonna happen.

Oh, this is gonna happen.

This happened.

Oh, look.

That happened for the people like you who have such high anxiety and stress in their life.

Sometimes the basic things about re watching a movie and knowing what's gonna happen and knowing that you.

You understand what's gonna happen.

There's a little bit of control in your life that makes you feel just giddy inside.

You know what makes me feel giddy inside, John?

What, buddy?

Knowing that in a few minutes I'm gonna take one of these pouches and put it in my mouth.

What are you trying to prove here, bud?

That this is something that satisfy.

A movie does not satisfy, dude.

The comfort movies I have, that's just like when I'm sick, dude, and I don't feel good.

You know what I do?

Go to sleep?

No.

I load up the old Disney plus and watch old school Disney movies from when I was a kid.

Oh, that.

The Rescuers Down Under.

Boom.

What's that?

What?

The Rescuers Down.

I don't.

I never heard of it.

You've never heard of the movie the Rescuers Down Under?

The animated movie?

No, I don't watch animated movies.

You're a piece of.

I don't watch animated movies.

Yeah, see?

Zuba.

Zuba right there.

I watch all the Harry Potter so much.

I can tell you what they're going to say before they say it.

See?

Then why watch it?

Should you really know that?

Shut the up.

I just.

What?

What?

Shut up.

What?

You're talking.

Oh, you talking.

Oh, you're talking.

Oh, now you throwing up your big boy pants.

Now you talking.

Dude, I'll take my pants off.

Try to.

You'll knock your camera off.

No, I won't.

It's super glued to my monitor.

I learned my lesson the first time.

Buddy, please.

Even Marty, dude, even Marty is like.

That's not true.

When you watch a movie more than once, you catch things you missed the first time you watch it, especially for ADD Ding dong.

Can you do that again?

Ding dong.

And again.

You see, I can watch that over and over again.

We just can't watch a movie over again.

It's.

It's a comfort thing and you see things you don't normally see.

A comfort.

That would be more like a comfort thing would be.

A comfort thing would be.

No, you shut up for a minute.

Listen, listen.

A comfort thing is like a blanket, right?

You got a blanket?

A blanket.

Make you feel comforting.

That's comforting foods.

Sitting down, having a snack.

Comfort foods.

You know, eating some comfort food, that's comforting.

Watching a movie that you've already seen, it's not really comforting.

Dude, you're pissing me off.

I'm going to do the rest of it.

Oh, dear God.

I'm over not watching a movie more than once, bro.

There's something wrong.

Are you.

Are you a serial killer?

Maybe you're getting a serial killer out of me.

Not watching a movie more than once.

There's something wrong with it.

It's just like not watching animated movies.

I can't watch animated, bro.

I'm telling you, it's lifechanging.

Just like I don't watch cartoons anymore.

You need to.

To.

I can't.

You need to.

I'll fall asleep within two minutes.

You need to.

I can't.

I'll fall asleep.

Do a line of cocaine.

You'll be fine.

I don't watch cartoons.

I don't watch movies more than once.

I had.

And you know, and the other thing is too.

Hey, you ready for this one, John?

You ready for this one?

Here's a kicker.

I won't watch any movie neither.

That's five years older.

If a movie's five years old, I won't watch it.

This just.

I just won't.

Why?

Because it's old.

The graphics are shitty.

The.

The talking shitty.

I just won't watch it.

You're so lucky.

You're so lucky that you banned me from saying certain words, bro.

If you knew what was going on in my head right now.

John, I'll give you a count of three.

Ready?

Count of three.

You can scream.

Ready?

One, two, three.

You didn't.

You didn't say it all out there, John.

Are you good?

Dude, that beeping shit's hilarious.

Mark doesn't have a favorite movie.

Apparently he's a piece of.

Oh, no, I have favorite movies.

I just want to rewatch them again.

Like Backdraft was a phenomenal movie back its day, but I'll never rewatch it.

Wait, wait, wait.

Do you know what the Princess Bride is?

No.

You are Literal human.

What is that, like a Disney movie?

It sounds like a Disney movie.

It's a movie from like the 80s, bro.

It's got Andre the Giant in it.

Oh, yeah, that's way too old.

You're a posing ass.

It's an old ass movie.

Wait, you've never seen like an anime movie?

No, I would.

I won't.

Never watch anime.

You know how much good you're actually missing out on, bro?

I can't.

Anime movies are boring to me.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Can you describe all the scenes in Backdraft?

You.

Oh, Backdraft is a phenomenal movie where the.

It was a firefighter that was causing all the fires and other firefighters investigating one of the.

The.

The blowups there.

Guy was always drinking on the boat.

I can get little pieces of it in my brain, but yeah, I think of them randomly here.

It's a good movie.

Have you ever watched the baby geniuses movie Zuba?

That's.

That could.

Dude.

Good ass movie.

I don't give a.

What anyone says.

Underrated.

Is that the talking babies?

Yes.

Okay, I think I have seen that.

Wow.

We actually hit one, folks.

That.

Because that's not animated.

That's a movie.

We finally hit one.

Yeah, because it's a movie.

It's not an anime.

Princess Bride isn't animated, you stupid.

Yeah, I don't know that movie.

Okay, okay, we're just gonna.

Just gonna backtrack here.

Okay.

Movies.

I'm gonna.

Listen, I'm gonna name off some movies and you tell me if you've seen them.

Hold up, Marty.

I know, Marty, but I can't.

I.

It's just.

It's something in me.

I can't watch a movie after I've seen it.

Okay, John, are you ready?

I'm ready, John.

Lord of the Rings.

No, not my forte.

Speed.

That's the bus one, right?

Yeah, yeah, I've seen that one.

Okay.

I'm trying to think of what you would watch.

Armageddon.

Yes, I've seen that one.

Tell me about it.

That's the one with the.

The bald head guy there.

Flew up to destroyed the Astro before it destroyed Earth.

Bald headed guy.

Yeah, Bruce Willis.

He had hair in that movie, my friend.

Well, he's bald now, ain't he?

He's bald and can't act anymore because he's got.

Yeah, he's up in the head.

Yeah.

You probably caused that because you're a monster.

Do you know who Falker.

I do not know who Falker is.

Die Hard.

I have seen Die Hard.

Which one Maybe all of them.

I don't believe you.

But I can't watch them again because now they're all five years older.

I don't believe you anymore.

Have you seen Coco?

No.

Isn't that like a animated.

Yeah, yeah.

No, I don't watch animated stuff, John.

Back when I was a kid, I used to, you know, like Jetsons and like that.

Elvin and Chipmunk.

Shut the up.

I can't.

Turn around.

Turn around.

Garbage.

No one loves you anymore.

You're the epitome of human.

The Flintstones, you know?

No, I don't care.

Turn around.

What's the other one?

Dinosaurs.

Dinosaurs?

Yeah, Dinosaurs.

You know about the TV show?

Not the mama.

Exactly.

Not the mama.

Good show.

It is a good show.

Never watch it again.

I did not cry during Titanic.

No know.

Oh, you a basic ass.

You didn't cry.

You probably laughed when Jack died, didn't you?

I sailing away.

What you got for me, John?

Nothing.

I'm giving up.

You giving up?

You giving up?

Damn, you give up?

Easy.

God, bro.

Why is that?

Because I won't watch movies more than once.

I don't watch anime.

I can't watch the movies that are split between cartoon and movie because those don't make absolute sense, like.

So you've never seen who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Oh, I've seen it.

Never watch it again.

That was something.

That was back when I was a kid.

So it was great when I was a kid, but now as an adult, I can't watch.

John, for those who are listening to audio, you're really gonna have to come back to this part of the podcast on video just to watch John right now.

Like, John is stressing, like.

I almost feel like he wants to go grab alcohol right now.

Drink.

As we're having this discussion.

I did have a Blockbuster membership, Marty.

I did.

I did have Blockbuster membership.

Yes.

100%.

Hold on, hold on.

I saw something.

Show me your hoodie.

You really want to see my hoodie?

You don't want to see my hoodie?

I promise it's not as good as last week's.

I promise you that.

Oh, speaking of hoodies, y'all, just so everybody knows, let's get a little shameless plug in here.

Hold on.

Let's get a little shameless plug in here, y'all.

If y'all click on the link tree link in our bio, we're gonna have a lot more T shirts coming up soon ones with.

What is it?

The.

The code in the back that people can scammer the phones?

What do you Call them.

Oh, the QR code.

Yes, we're gonna have QR code shirts made up.

Somebody gonna say you, you, mama, and all that fun stuff.

We're gonna come up with some good.

But check out lib slayershop.com that's right, lib slayershop.com this is where you buy merchandise such as Elon's Doge Squad shirts.

Woke tears taste like soy.

Keep men out of women's sports shirts.

Shirts.

Just a regular dad trying not to raise a liberal type of shirts.

We got all these shirts right now up on lib slayershop.com y'all.

Check it out.

Let me know what y'all think.

Don't have to buy anything, but just share it out on Facebook for me.

Even if you listen up there.

Listen, Linda, I'm just saying they make a great gift.

They do.

Birthday gift, Christmas gift, anniversary gift, Valentine's Day gift.

And since John is talking about all these movies and anime stuff and stuff like that, it's fiction.

And because we're talking about fiction, we have.

We have a.

An author right now in our live stream.

For those who don't know, Nexus of Power is an author.

He's written.

This is the book guy.

This is the book guy.

He's written a great book called the Nexus of Power.

And if you guys want to get this book on your Kindle or purchase the hard copy of the book, the link for that is also in the link tree link.

It's called Nexus of Power.

Book bestseller.

The link for that book is in my bio.

And this is the man that wrote the book right here.

Let me pop him up on the screen.

Hey, hey, hey.

Nexus of Power.

Can you.

Can you do me a favor and write a terrible book about Mark and how he's a monster?

The monster who does not watch movies more than once.

The monster who does not watch movies more than than five years old.

The monster who will not watch anime.

The monster who will not watch movies that are mixed cartoons and movies slashed together.

The monster who will probably not watch Minecraft cuz he'll just pass out during it.

Just like I had a hard time watching Super Mario Brothers.

Oh my God.

Which one?

The newest one.

That's anime.

No, it's not.

It was a movie.

No, this one had humans playing in it.

With the.

No, the newest one just had real humans in it.

No, it did.

It absolutely did, dude.

It absolutely, absolutely did it.

Absolutely.

No, no, it absolutely.

Hold on.

Super Mario.

Are you talking about the one with Chris Pratt voicing Mario.

Hold on.

No.

Super Mario Brothers movie.

Hold on.

We just watched it.

It had them fighting people going through.

That's Chris Pratt.

Hold on.

Where's the movie?

Oh, look at that.

I can walk out into my living room right now.

Listen, it's animated.

No wonder I didn't get into it that much.

And I had Jack Black singing in it.

Oh, yeah, look at that.

It is animated.

Look, John, you're right about something.

Finally.

Look, John, you're finally right about something.

Thank God.

I know.

It's about time.

That's not true.

I got all those.

If they were true or false, for the conspiracy you.

Dude, why are you making me look like I'm John?

I could.

I mean, I could do that.

I could play a game with you right now to see what if you could tell certain things are real or fake.

No, no, no.

Why not, John?

Because you'll mess with my psychological, and I can't deal with that today.

What's psychological?

Are you saying I'm dumb?

No, I'm not saying you're dumb.

I think you're saying I'm dumb.

I'm not saying you're dumb.

If you think I'm saying you're dumb, then take my quiz.

Can we do the phone line thing?

Can we do that?

You want.

You want me to do the phone line?

You want me to open up the phone lines, John?

Yes, please.

You want me to see if we can get the phone lines to work?

Here you go, John.

I'll pop up the number right there on the screen so we can ask you questions.