Tonight’s Chaos Cadre: The Roast of Terry Begins!

Hi, my name is John S.

And I'm a game sexual.

One's a grunt, one's a squid.

Talking trash like a couple of kids.

No script, no plan, just running their mouths.

If you don't like Chaos, better tap out.

Bad jokes, worst taste, eating like trash.

Saying what we think.

No filter, no clue, no rules, no shame.

If it don't make sense, who's to blame?

Not us.

So grab a beer, sit back, don't stress.

It's just two dumb vets making a mess.

Oh, yeah, baby.

What is going on, you degenerate?

What's happening?

Welcome to Chaos Cadre, baby.

We are now in episode seven.

I know y'all are used to the roast happening right off the bat, but we're trying a little something new.

We got Terry.

He's a newcomer on you guys.

Gonna see him for the next two episodes.

But listen up, folks.

We're gonna see how long John can go with a little bit of water in his mouth.

We want to see if John really is a spitter.

The same thing with Terry.

Both these guys are going to put a little water in their mouth and they're going to hold that water in there and we're going to see if they spit or don't spit.

If they spit, we know they're good spitters.

And gentlemen, you know you got to get them down there to get on their knees for you.

With that being said, let's go ahead and get this roast started, baby.

Welcome to chaos cadre.

Chuggin X Army up.

Who's such a breeding disaster?

I got five kids, I can't stop them.

A Second Amendment nut who'd rather fish than admit I'm a washed up twitch streamer with a personality of a used diaper.

I'm the guy who would lose a roast battle to a mute goldfish.

A sweaty, gun humping train wreck who's one bad stream away from selling my kids for V bucks, you hopeless male breathing fox.

Then up there we got John S.

My co host at Pickle Obsessed.

A Navy vet who's such a whiny he'd cry over a WI FI outage.

This Trampoline Arcade reject looks like he's been gargling expired ranch dressing since the Woodstock.

A vape sucking moron who'd get outsmarted by a toddler on a pogo stick.

He's the kind of guy who would trip over his own vape cloud and Beg for mercy.

A talentless Twist Twitch wannabe who's so pathetic he'd get rejected by a slot machine for being too desperate.

You snot dripping bounce house little.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, we can't forget about this little stick.

And now our new co host Terry aka Raider, a 35 year old black Navy vet Twitch streamer who loves his dog Apollo and won't shut up about his large black cock stepping in for shiny because she's probably still crying from Satan's toe.

This Florida fuck's been following me since I had 60k TikTok followers.

But you're a cloud chasing nobody who got banned for humping Apollo on stream, you dog loving dipshit.

Terry's large black cock is so fucking long it's got its own twitch channel streaming Call of Duty while Apollo licks his balls out viewing your sorry ass.

You're a post apocalypse wasteland of a man, Terry.

You Navy vet ass is a sunken ship.

Your streams are a digital dumpster fire and your dick so long it's a shiny thing surviving the end times.

Swinging through ashes like a goddamn mutant anaconda.

The rubble while the world burns.

You're a 35 year old twitch streaming Apollo humping wave and apocalypse of a failure who's one bad stream from being canceled for bestiality in the radiated ruins.

Game over, you oversized end of days fuck.

And now our new co host.

Oh what the fuck did we just go on?

Ladies and gentlemen, that is their folks.

But they're not over with yet because we got two of you little fuck sticks to roast.

It's time for our viewer roast.

That's right where we torch two of you sad sacks who dare to tune in.

First up is this Satan little fuck look like Twitch streaming Fortnite playing singing bitch with a discord handle to match a judgmental cunt who's got no tattoos but plenty fucking attitude.

You're out here acting like the queen of hell, judging everyone While you're sniping 12 year olds in Fortnite.

But the only thing you're killing is your vocal cords with that catter walling you call singing.

Sounds like a cat getting run over by a lawnmower, you tone deaf devil wannabe.

You're so judgmental you'd probably tell Jesus he's sinning for wearing sandals.

But the only sin here is your shitty streams, you ankless.

Holler than thou Fortnite flopping Satan.

Go back to hell where you belong, you sanctimonious screeching bitch.

Next, we've Got Jarl van Grander, a train Work train working.

Twitch streaming.

Wannabe Viking who's living in a fantasy world while he's stuck f boxcars.

This Nordic named fuck thinks he's Viking warrior.

But the only thing you're pillaging is a break room vending machine.

You grease stained choo choo bitch.

You're out here streaming on Twitch, dreaming of Valhalla, but your streams are deader than a longship in a kiddie pool.

Maybe if you stop swinging your imaginary battle axe and started swinging some actual context raider might think your dick is the same size as his, you'd get more than three viewers.

You bearded, train humping, Odin worshiping loser.

You wish you were a Viking, Jarl, but the closest you'll get is ra dollar store for discounted hot pockets.

Quit playing Ragnar Lothbrok and get back to fixing trades.

You want to be berserker Viking fetish.

Tune in next week when we roast more of you little pathetic.

Don't miss it.

John, your cheeks are red.

As my man, you can go ahead and swallow.

Listen, that was so hard.

I thought you were gonna lose.

I thought you were gonna lose it.

There was a little dribble.

I put.

I put a towel over my head.

If I did have water.

Holy.

You held it in good, my man.

You held it in good.

Spitters are quitters.

The spitters are quitters.

You did damn good.

We.

We should do that every week to see if how long it takes before we get you to break.

No, now.

Gotta do at least one more time.

Oh, my God.

Okay, fine.

I'll do it one more time.

That's it.

All right.

The last episode with.

With Terry on.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce you everybody that's on the show.

Now that you've heard about him.

We got John sitting next to me over here.

John, what's happening?

Who are you?

What do you do, my man?

The wrong with you?

Just.

Hi, my name's John S.

And I'm a game sexual.

He doesn't do it right.

I'll help y'all out.

Hi, my name is John S.

And I'm a game sexual.

I literally said that.

You did.

But you know, the video shows it better.

The video's got better expression.

We'll.

We'll help you out with that part, John.

We'll just help you out with that.

All right, ladies, gentlemen.

We also got Terry.

He's a new come around to the show.

He'll be here for the next two episodes.

Terry, who are you?

What the do you do my man?

I'm Terry or Raider.

A twitch streamer.

Rookie podcast host and creator of Join the Raid podcast Navet.

And yeah, I like society.

Like doing things on society life and culture.

And don't forget he loves baking off to watching his dog in the corner.

I mean he told us that personal.

But we have to let you all know he is a beastiality kind of a guy.

I'm supposed to be a secret.

Yeah, I know, but listen man, nothing's a secret on this show.

Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna start.

We got a lot of to get through on this show.

So we're gonna start with some of the weirdest up news that's happened this week.

All right, here we go.

This is what's trending on x right now.

Y'all need to hold on to your asses.

Here's the first one.

A police chief fakes being gay to hide an affair.

Posted by David Check on April 30, this story is a doozy.

A Seattle police chief got caught faking being gay to cover up his affair with a female officer.

This dumbass thought pretending to be gay would throw up suspicion.

But his wife found his burner phone full of steamy text to his mistress.

And now the whole precincts laughing their asses off.

While he's on administrative leave.

X users are calling him Chief Closet Case.

You're not fooling anyone, buddy.

You cheating little.

Except maybe your own dick, which clearly has better taste in your brain.

Imagine this guy at a pride parade waving a rainbow flag while his side chicks blowing up his phone.

What a hero of deception.

You're not just a cheater, you're a walking PR disaster who'd probably fake sex change to get out of a speeding ticket.

You fucking manipulative, badge wearing fucking moron.

John, what do you think?

Faking gay to have an affair Couldn't do it?

No.

Because if John Fake's gay, you know he's 100% gay.

I mean, John's already admitted he's been in a closet with Terry.

These two guys have had their little closet moment in the submarine, riding the ocean in the Atlantic Ocean.

You wouldn't understand because you weren't there, but.

Well, I understand.

I need.

No, no, I needed.

I needed his body heat, bro.

It was so cold in there.

And he was so warm in that massive cock, which is a great grappling tool.

You know what I mean?

Did he just like wrap his anaconda around you?

You're like, yeah, baby, give me your blackness.

And you're like, yeah, let's go.

Yes, he did.

I like, what the hell is Satan over here posting?

Like, what is this ninja thing?

Is that like.

It's a twitch?

It's twitch.

Yeah.

You guys look at twitch itself to see him.

All right, Like, I just look at, like, a bunch of words to me over here.

I'm like, what the going on here?

All right, what about you there, Taryn?

Would you.

Would you fake being gay to have an affair?

No.

Not even.

Not even a little bit.

I would never fake being gay.

You hear how he said that?

You know, he was.

He kind of.

He had.

He had a little lisp in there.

He's like, nah, I never fake being gay.

No, I wouldn't.

I wouldn't think being gay, that's one of those things.

Oh, you're right.

You wouldn't have to fake.

Hey, girl.

Yep.

Hey, girl.

Hey, girl.

No, I really wouldn't fake being gay to hide an affair.

All right, y'all.

Y'all know last week we were talking about fee finder, that lovely website where people will buy pictures of your feet.

Thank you for being.

Why, whoever just followed, thank you so much.

But this lovely website where you could buy feet picks and people sell their fees, they take pictures of their feet.

We all talked about.

John is supposed to be setting up his account so we can see how much money John makes on feet finder, which I'm.

I can't wait to see a feet buddy.

I'm looking forward to finding your feet on feet finder.

Are you gonna do the mayo toes, though, before I get into this next news segment?

Are you gonna do put.

Stick your toes in the mayo and show that creamy goodness of the mayo just dripping off your toes like the big daddy you are.

I told you I'd pay you.

I'm doing.

I'm doing.

I told you I'd pay you.

You're doing ranch.

All right, let's go.

No flavoring.

No, no, no, no.

I'm not paying for ranch now.

You gotta pay for that, man.

All right, I gotta go buy some mayonnaise.

You gotta go.

You gotta get that miracle whip, too.

You gotta get that miracle with, man.

That' right there.

You know what I mean?

All right, Reason why I brought that up, folks.

There is a foot per.

It touches real estate agents at open houses.

This gym.

On April 29, a Florida man's been sneaking into open houses in Maine to touch the feet of real estate agents claiming he's inspecting the property.

This creep's been caught stroking toes at three different listings telling agents he's checking for structural integrity.

But the only thing he's checking is how fast he can get arrested for being a foot fetish.

X is losing it right now, calling him the foot sniffer.

You're not a home buyer.

You're a petty predator who'd probably jerk off to the sandal catalog.

You weirdo.

Picture this.

A guy in an open house sniffing a realtor's toe while pretending to care about the square footage.

What kind of a main man is this?

You're a walk in fetish nightmare who'd probably get a boner from a foot massage ad.

You disgusting toe tickling bastard.

What do you think, John?

You're selling a house, you got a guy coming in and he wants to look at your feet.

I just.

I just want to know, like, is he doing full on, like, sniff?

Is he.

He's going full on.

No, no, he's going right down there and he's like, oh, your.

Your toes, they just.

Oh, I can smell the fungi.

Like, you need a little powder on that, baby.

You turn me on.

Like, I'm.

I'm gonna get the full blown stiffy here, baby.

If you could just lube up those toes for me just a little bit.

Let my.

Let my nose rub on it.

You know, that's the type of.

He's looking for, my man.

How would you react?

I'd knock the out.

Dude.

Are you doing.

He says that, he says that.

But the moment somebody offers money, we know what he's gonna do.

I mean, we know.

I could, I could see John right now.

He'll be like, you want me to dip the.

In some ranch for you, big daddy?

I.

I'll, I'll.

I'll give you.

I'll let you.

I'll let you lick my big toe with a little bit of ranch.

You just give me a.

Everything has a price.

Everything for John has a price.

Everything with John has a price.

We're gonna get to that a little bit later.

Everything with John does have a price.

And we're gonna get to that here in a little bit later.

You can't shame me for this.

I like money.

You like money.

I love money.

Money is great.

So how much to get you to do that footfinder page?

Oh, he's gonna.

He's already gonna set that up.

He has to.

Because listen, as already said.

As already said to help.

Hold on, Mark, hold on.

The.

Find full out, Terry.

Like, what is full out for you?

I mean, take the pictures, do everything the ranch, the.

The mayonnaise, syrup, honey, everything.

Ketchup, mustard, all the condiments.

What's it gonna take for you to go all out and be that nasty ass we know you really are?

$500.

No, listen, John, I told you.

Listen, you're not worth that.

So the website is free, right?

You can create the account for free.

Listen, man, I told you.

Listen.

I told you you'd have the balls to do it.

And I'm going one step further.

I've already started.

I haven't posted any pictures, but I've already gotten verified on the account.

So I can join you on this venture.

So next week, if you create the account tonight, post your id, get verified, you can start getting going.

And I will do this with you.

And we'll see who makes the most amount of money with their feet.

It's a fun little gamble.

There's no faces involved.

If you find it, you just take pictures of your feet.

Ain't no one gonna be like, oh, those are John's little feet.

Look at his feet in the mayonnaise.

Like John.

John's big ass toe.

Y'all see that corn on John's toe?

God damn.

Like, look at that foot fungus this has.

I'm not a fan of Fee, but I'll support the homies.

Who the is this?

You know who it is.

Do I?

Yes.

Who the is it?

It's Mikey.

Shut the up, Mikey.

For you, it's triple.

So?

So, John, you got to create it.

You got to create it tonight.

You got to get it going.

We're gonna have a little friendly competition here.

You just gotta do it, John.

All right, y'all.

Back on April 28, a chubby horny guy in Florida showed up at the wrong address for a hookup.

Banging on the door of a random Grandma's house at 2am yelling, I'm here for a booty call.

Grandma called the cops and his this Sweaty got arrested for public disturbance while holding a bottle of lube.

X users are calling him Wronghouse Romeo.

And I'm calling him a fucking idiot.

You're out here chasing ass with a navigation skill of a blind pigeon, you desperate tubby little fuck.

Imagine this lard ass at the wrong door, pants half down, screaming for a tinder gate while Granny's clutching her rosary.

This is a peak Florida chaos.

You're a walking disaster who'd probably fuck a mailbox if it swiped right, you horny address fumbling fucking moron.

And John's like, mark, why are you saying that?

Because I've Done that before.

I've never done that.

Dog, have you ever shown up to like a wrong house for a booty call?

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

And when you showed up there and where you are like, were you already like half cocked, ready?

You're like, you're like three, you're at 3pm right now and you're like sticking out, you know, your pants like, boom, baby.

My gun's locked and loaded.

I'm ready to fire now, now, now.

You were still dangling, ready to take that blue chew to pop it to go.

I mean it wasn't Bluetooth at the time, but yeah.

Grandma should have taught him a few.

Listen, John, there's a good question.

John, have you ever been with a grandma?

No.

No.

Would you get with it?

If you weren't with your wife, would you get with a grandma?

No.

No.

You're lying.

I'm not lying, dude, listen.

If grandma was wrinkle free.

No, listen, listen.

And grandma wasn't dried up like.

Shut the up, Mark, and let me tell you what happened.

Look, look, hold on a second, hold on a second.

Look, you.

There's some grandmas out there that don't look like grandmas.

I know.

Can I finish my statement now?

Yeah, go.

All right, go over it.

I had the opportunity when I was younger to get with a grandma.

And I chose not to do it ultimately because of the age difference.

And it's terrifying because they know way more than I ever will.

So when you say age difference.

So let me ask you, when people say age.

Marty, you came in a little late.

My man.

Shiny.

Shiny's out right now.

We're doing every two week rotation.

This is Terry.

Terry's the new guy for the next two weeks.

Marty, we'll be talking to you.

Marty, we want you up after next week.

We want you on for two weeks.

Marty.

We're rotating out.

Yeah, yeah.

So when, when people say age is just a number, then do you really believe in that or do you think there is a certain cap between an age limit?

So there definitely is a certain cap.

You know what I mean?

Like say 35.

Me.

Right, okay.

Say an 18 year old girl was coming at me or whatever.

Yeah.

No, definitely not doing that, bro.

Now, now is there a reason why?

I just find it disgusting you, you Would you.

If you got with an 18 year old being at 35, would it make you feel as if you were like with your kid?

Yeah.

And that's what make it feel so wrong?

Yeah.

All right, so you're saying is 20 years old still too young?

For you?

Yeah, yeah.

25.

Just almost there.

You're almost on that brink, right?

I.

Anyway, so I.

I tend to go.

Me personally, five to eight years from me in either direction.

Okay.

That's my comfort zone.

All right, gotcha.

And we'll go over to Terry.

Terry, you a grand.

No, no, I haven't done that yet.

Okay.

He did say okay.

All right.

So if you had like a 75 year old grandma walk up to you, she ain't got the wrinkles, she.

She's looking a little bit like, I don't know, we'll say, oh, Celine Dion.

All right.

And she's like, terry, I want you to bring me over there and we're gonna.

Oh, my.

I'm gonna give you the biggest of your life.

What would you say?

Managing my mindset at the time.

But put a little alcohol on me.

I'll probably do it twice.

Hey, hey.

Thank you, Kristen.

I appreciate your comment.

I love you.

All right, give me one second, y'all.

I gotta respond back to this.

I will send that to the wife here in a little bit.

Some people in society judge.

That's why people worry with Asian morals.

I mean, it's just morals for me.

Dude, Shiny, we know you're a grandma.

We talked about it, remember?

Oh, shiny up in here.

Oh, there we go.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Shiny's up in here, dude.

Gotcha.

All right, so.

So Terry would Grandma.

But grandma can't have wrinkles.

Yeah.

All right, now, now no one knowing that you were going on a date with grandma.

There's a chance that you're about ready to get romantic over grandma.

Do you bring the lube or leave the lube?

Bring the lube.

Bring the lube.

You know she's gonna be dry as, right?

It's just.

It's like cobwebs up there, dude.

You don't know when last time she's had any.

You don't know.

You know, that's like.

That's like when you a fat girl, you know you're gonna get the of your life, right?

But like, you don't know what's going on up there, dude.

Like, come on, y'all tripping.

Yo, whatever.

I appreciate y'all the far they fart does.

Let's go.

I'm just saying, dude.

I'm just saying.

I listen just by the way, John's just talking there.

John's probably the guy that if he was gonna do a big booty woman, he would put some baby powder in her ass and be like, baby two for me.

He'd be like, go, Moby Dick.

And then he'd be riding that.

Not even, dude.

Not even.

Not at all.

Okay, listen.

Canceled after that.

I.

Listen, listen.

My philosophy in life is even big women need loving too.

Absolutely.

Absolutely.

Even big men, huh, Johnny boy?

I love big men.

Teddy bears, dude.

Well, no, I was talking about you.

You're your wife's teddy bear, right?

Oh, yeah, I am.

Let's keep moving through here.

On May 1 reported, a woman in Texas who had explosive diarrhea on a guy's car during a road rage incident.

She pulled over, dropped her pants, and let loose a storm on his hood.

After he cut her off, cops arrested her for vandalism.

But the guy's car is now a biohazard and X is losing it over road rage.

You're not just pissed, you're a human porta potty.

You unhinged.

Imagine this chick squatting on a hood unleashing a fecal furry while the guy's screaming from his window.

This is the kind of chaos that makes Florida look tame.

But in Texas, too, you're a diarrhea disaster who'd probably on a Tesla just to protest Elon Musk, you road raging, spraying psycho.

What would you do, John, in that scenario?

You got a woman, you're road raging.

You.

You cut her off because you're a dick.

And she comes over, she's like, you know what?

You.

She just shits all over the hood of your car.

What are you doing?

I mean, honestly, I wouldn't even know what to do in the moment.

I'd just be stunned that she on command.

Like, I.

But, like, I saw the actual clip of it, and then I started animation within 30 seconds of each other.

It was hilarious, dude.

She did on command, like, she must.

She must have felt like she had to have had a little bit of a pinch up in there.

I mean, the snake had been playing peekaboo in that booty hole.

Post Ninjas comment.

Thanks for that.

Dirty Mic and the boys.

Dirty Mike and the boys, dude.

Oh, God.

If you don't know what that's from, Mark, because you know, you're an uncultured swine.

That's from the other guys.

Yeah.

Yeah.

What's the other guys?

It's a movie.

It's a movie.

How old is this movie?

Not too old.

How old?

Gentlemen?

It's older than five years.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

So not.

I.

I haven't seen it.

I won't watch it.

Ten years.

Oh, yeah, definitely.

Definitely.

That's like five years past my deadline.

My favorite Part of that whole movie, dude, I you not.

Is when they're up on the roof and they look at each other and they go, you thinking what I'm thinking?

And he's like, yeah, yeah, aim for the bushes.

There's no bushes at the bottom of the building, bro.

It's just straight concrete.

Mark Wahlberg and will foul.

You ever done a desk pop?

What's a desk pop there, Johnny?

You pull your gun out, you fire it.

Desk inside the precinct.

Dear God.

All right, Terry, back to you on the lady.

What would you do if you had a lady Drop drawer.

And on command under your hood.

Where.

And we're obviously, I'm stopped.

But is the car still in drive?

Yeah, you got your brakes on right now your foot's on the brake.

What are you doing?

She just on your car?

I just hit the gas and watch her tumble over and go to the car wash.

Yeah, just spray.

And she's going.

I was just like, not my problem.

I'm going to the car wash.

And.

Folks, this is coming from a man earlier, Discord.

He said that for a million dollars, he would eat it.

Yeah, it was.

It was a billion.

It was a billion.

Oh, it was a billion.

Sorry.

It's a billion.

Okay.

Yeah, they got to correct me as a billion.

John.

John still said no, he would not eat for a billion.

No, Mark, you said you would.

I.

Right.

I don't even know if it make it to my mouth.

I'd probably be like.

And then just full blown vomiting that right out.

It would be horrible.

We used to crop dust in busy restaurants to get people to leave so we could get a table.

Dude, I get it.

Mikey's comment.

I heard about lube and just remembered I need more.

For what?

You're all.

You got one of those blow up dolls.

I bet you do.

Oh, man.

All right, John.

Have any of y'all been to jail?

Yes.

All right, well, then y'all like this one dropped this.

On May 1, a female prison guard in Georgia got caught having a threesome with two inmates in the laundry room, thinking the spin cycle would cover their moans.

She got fired and arrested for misconduct, and now X users are calling her the jailhouse Jezebel.

You're not guarding shit, lady.

You're a fucking inmate groupie, you horny little bitch.

Picture this.

A slutty guard sandwiched between two felons while the dryer's humming.

Hope the load was worth losing your job, you dumbass.

She probably thought she was running a conjugal.

Conjugal visit program.

But the only thing she's running now is her ass to court.

You prison pounding, badge dropping skank.

What do you.

What are your thoughts on going to prison?

Would you.

If you're in prison, you were single, would you have a threesome with a female guard?

No.

How hot is she?

Doesn't matter how hot.

Yeah, it does.

No.

Yeah, because I'm gonna tell you right now, dude, I'm tell you right now.

Shut up and listen.

It doesn't matter if you're a male or female in prison.

If you have sex with a guard, that guard's going to jail for rape.

Because you can't really consent while you're incarcerated.

What's an act?

We do not have her number, Marty.

We do not have her number.

Marty, calm down, you horny little.

Marty is a horny old man.

Let's go.

You know he's going to be jerking off to those feet finder picks.

Oh, he absolutely is.

He's gonna love your toes, John.

He's gonna add a little extra mayo to that pick.

All right, Terry, now.

Now, would you sleep with a female guard?

Matters how pretty she is, honestly.

Oh, so look how long you conceited.

No, not everything, but I'm in.

I'm in prison.

It's.

It's that or go some other guy.

So, no, I'm gonna go.

Hey, man, gay.

If you're wearing socks, it's still gay.

Not if you're pitching, bro.

Only if you're receiving.

No, you're still gay.

No, dude, you gotta understand jail logic, bro.

No.

So wait, it's jail logic.

You're saying if you're pitching, you're not gay?

Yeah, dude, if you're receiving, but you're doing the.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you're raw dogging that because there ain't no lube in jail.

Yeah.

I mean, unless you're throwing some soap.

On using mayonnaise, bro.

John's over here.

John's over here going.

Sounds like an egg salad sandwich.

Dear God.

All right, moving on, folks.

Still on May 1, a strip club in Nevada turned into a war zone when a customer got beat down by bouncers over a lap dance dispute.

He refused to pay for a 500 dance, claiming it wasn't worth it.

The bounces broke his nose and threw him into the parking lot.

And now he's suing while X users are calling him lap dance loser.

You're not a victim.

You're a cheap who got what he deserved.

You broke ass simp.

Imagine this guy arguing with a stripper over 500 while glitter's falling off his shirt.

Pay up or shut up, you whiny little.

He's probably crying in the ER still clutching a dollar bill.

You stingy stripper hating.

All right, gentlemen.

You go to a strip club, all right?

She's grinding all up your junk.

She gets you to Papa Chub.

By the time she's done with that dance, she's like, hey, baby, that's gonna be 500.

You paying?

I mean, if I was promiscuous enough to go to a strip club and get a lap dance, yeah, I'd pay.

Just common decency.

All right, Terry, I.

I do go.

To strip clubs, so I play.

Yeah.

Don't get mad at me.

I'm not mad, dude.

Don't.

Don't judge.

Don't judge.

I'm not judging.

Don't.

The shame.

Listen, I'm not shaming, bro.

I've been to strip clubs in Vegas.

I get it.

No, Marty, you don't get seconds.

You probably get about.

You probably get.

I don't know, what is it, like five minutes?

It's like so it's like 100 bucks a minute?

Yeah, it's like.

Yeah, dude, it's like five minutes.

Yeah, you're paying like a hundred bucks a minute.

Titties in your face.

She's grinding on you.

She's got you to Papa Chub.

Maybe even got you to.

Hold on.

Wait, is that milk?

We know you love strippers, you dirty little.

I have missed you, first of all.

Secondly, we know you're all about them strippers, dog.

Yeah, we do.

Just look at your name.

Milf.

He loves his strippers, huh?

He looks like a trucker in this picture.

He is.

Is he?

You know, he's, you know, you know, he's hitting all the strip clubs from the west coast to the east.

Oh, he's hitting those lot lizards too, though.

That's what I was about to say.

I bet you he's got some stories about law lizards.

I wonder.

He's had a lot lizards come up into his truck and when they whip it out, they dick falls out of their dress.

And he's like, oh, oh, man.

What about you, Terry?

You paying her 500 bucks or are you trying to get out of that club?

Yeah, I pay it.

If I'm in a strip club, I know how much it's going to cost.

So I'm already have money for it, so I'm paying.

I.

I will say this, dude.

Strip club.

Chicken wings.

Delicious.

You know, it's funny.

I've never been to a strip club.

We should go.

Really?

Really.

Never been.

Wait, no, I can't go anymore.

I'm.

I'm faithful to my wife, but usually I go.

Do you.

Do you consider.

Do you consider going to a strip club to be non faithful?

I do, unless my wife is with me.

Then.

Then I'll go.

But, like, goes to a strip club.

There you go, John.

You can say.

You could just say you're doing the strip of B Dubs.

No, no.

So.

So you consider going to a strip club to be unfaithful?

See, Ninja gets it if you get a guy.

What?

What's a.

If you get a guy to suck it.

They are not gay.

The guy sucking it.

It's just the rules, I guess.

I think he's.

He's doing your logic.

My logic is sound.

I've seen enough prison stuff and been to jail to know a few things.

Do you agree with this logic?

Terry, do you agree with this?

I mean.

I mean, I guess John might be more Navy.

John, how many years in the Navy did you spin?

Only two and a half before I got hurt.

Terry, how many new years in the Navy?

10.

Well, I thought you would have been more gayer than.

He wasn't on subs, dude.

He was.

Oh, okay.

What was he on?

What?

You're a corpsman.

Okay, so.

All right, gotcha.

He was just sucking guys off in the.

Yeah, he was.

With all the crayon idiots.

He was definitely sucking the Marines off.

Nah, nah.

This was Terry.

Making them.

Making them suffer with boar punches.

All right, y'all drop this.

On April 29, a police officer in Florida stopped a boat going 45 miles per hour after the driver was thrown overboard during a drunk joyride, leaving the vessel on autopilot.

The cop jumped aboard, shut it down, and arrested the soaked driver while X users are calling him Captain Drunk.

You're not a sailor, buddy.

You're a liability.

You booze.

So imagine this idiot flailing in the water while his boat speeding off like it's in a Fast and Furious sequel.

What a way to make the Coast Guard's day.

You waterlogged?

He's probably still drunk trying to swim to Cuba.

You eject him.

Banning it.

Would you get drunk and get behind the wheel of a boat?

Yes, I agree.

I've done it.

A boat.

You're less likely to take somebody else's life, in my opinion.

It's true if you're on the free water, I guess.

And the water's not that populated.

Yeah, I can see it.

Yeah, but if you're walking sideways, that might Be another story.

Sorry, you might not want to get behind the wheel.

We're talking like a good buzz, right?

Like.

Yeah, like a really good buzz.

Like you can.

You.

You're.

You're.

You're aware, but you're also, you know, inebriated.

Yeah.

Oh, Marty's saying there was a yacht that was actually stolen in Florida today.

Marty, return the man job, please.

We know you stole it.

Just give it back.

No judgment.

Here, here.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, it seems like the phone call sessions where it really gets wood here.

But before we get to any of this, we got.

We got some up stats.

But first and foremost, listen up, you degenerate viewers.

John is whining like a little cuz he's tired and his wife ain't making him cream enough.

Boo.

Who you vape sucking cry baby?

Let's make this pathetic.

Earn some cash with fridge style challenge.

Head to our tipping link or his cash app and donate to see John raid his fridge for some humiliating dares.

Live on air.

We've got a few suggestions to get those dollars flowing.

So let's see how low this trampoline bitch will go to satisfy your twisted asses, you sick fucking bastards.

For $10 donation, John S.

Will chug a bottle of ranch dressing straight from his fridge, top to bottom while screaming, I'm a creamy king.

Let's see if he can keep it down without puking or if he'll cry harder than when he's not getting cream this whiny ass if you toss.

Hold on.

Wait.

What?

Anyone donates?

Let me just make sure I have ranch.

I'll be right.

Hold on.

He's got we.

We.

I ain't even done reading off all the.

All the stuff.

Yeah, hold on.

Chat, we got.

We gotta see what he's doing now.

What the hell's he doing?

We gotta wait, Chat.

I got so much more to talk about.

And John's like, let me get.

Go do this creamy Italian works too.

Yeah, it does.

What?

Okay, John, I ain't even done yet.

Can I finish the dollar amount here?

Hold on.

Yeah, I do have ranch, but I also have Caesar as well.

All right, y'all.

For $20, John will smear his face with the oldest condiment in his fridge.

Think crusty ketchup or moldy mayo, and do a fortnite dance on stream looking like a condiment clown.

You tired, vape huffing.

For $30, John will blindfold himself, grab three random items from his fridge, and eat them together.

Live.

Hope it's not pickles.

Spoiled.

Yogurt, and a stick of butter.

But knowing his luck, he'll be cream for days.

You sniveling little.

And for our 50 donation, John will strip to his boxers, cover his chest and whipped cream from the fridge and let him slap himself in the thing with frozen pizzas while he yells I'm a creamy pizza.

He'll be a walking Dairy Queen disaster, begging for mercy, you cream deprived fridge rating.

Donate now and watch his tired suffer.

Let's make him earn that cream the hard way, you lazy, whining little.

So I don't have whipped cream.

That's okay.

We'll find something in your fridge for you, Johnny boy.

You got Door Dash in your town.

We can have.

We can have somebody.

Yeah, we Door Dash.

We'll definitely get in time to the show.

We'll have somebody doordash you the whipped cream.

You hate having me here, don't you?

You hate having me here right now, don't you?

Dude, you're making me itchy thinking about.

I do y'all see John stripping down to his boxers whipped cream?

Oh, that'd be great, y'all.

So that's it, folks.

John, if you get any cash apps, you're gonna have to let us know.

And I'll keep an eye on emails over here as well.

Why am I getting in?

Listen, listen.

I'll tell you what.

I won't do it tonight, but I'll do it next week when I have all the proper for it.

Well, he'll do some stuff tonight, Joe.

We'll make sure he guzzles the ranch.

Would be pretty good to see John deep throw some ranch.

We.

We get some pretty good music for that one.

I don't want a Guzzle Ranch, bro.

Oh, it'll be great.

Throat.

Just relax the throat.

Yeah, just like maple syrup.

Okay, let it go down.

Wait.

If people like the show, they should just donate without making John sell himself so cheap.

Yo, Marte.

Props, baby.

Props.

Awesome.

If you'll remember, Marty, you.

You gave me.

What was it?

A hundred dollars to shave my face.

He did.

That was great.

And it's already grown back too.

Yeah, it's not as bad as it was though.

Awesome.

Folks, don't forget, before we get further into the show, we start telling you some up death stats.

I do want to let everybody know we now have merchandise.

That's right.

Head over to Chaos Cadre Merch dot com.

It will be linked on the website by the end of the week.

But you can go to Chaos Cadre Merch dot com.

Pick yourself up some of Our merch.

It's great.

We got skull T shirts, we got hoodies, we got coffee mugs, and we got stickers if you don't want to go with the big.

I think the stickers are going for, like, $8 on the website.

But let's get into some up death stats.

John's been waiting for this.

We were talking about this in Discord Discord earlier.

If y'all thought you've heard of someone die a up way, some of this is gonna make your skin crawl.

Don't forget to cradle the bottle.

Right, John.

If you get the drink ranch tonight, I'm gonna love it, to be honest with you.

How long.

How much to have John start the show with itching powder in his underwear?

If he wears.

Oh, dear God.

John, how much would it take to have you start the show with itching powder?

Throw an amount out, Marty.

Let's see what we got.

What are you thinking?

This would be great.

We'd have to have it Amazon to him, too.

We'd have to have the itching power sent to him by.

Is there itching powder on Amazon?

I'm googling right now.

Yeah.

See if you can find itching powder on Amazon.

Let's see.

He's looking right now, y'all, to see if there's.

If there's itching powder on Amazon.

It's on there.

Death slayer saying it's on there.

Yep, I got it.

Yeah, it's right here, dude.

I got it.

So how much is a bottle of itching powder?

Well, there's a three pack for 11.99.

Oh, that's.

I got.

I got nine.

99 right here.

Oh, yeah.

So 10 bucks.

Oh, man.

He could do that for, like, 40.

40 bucks, y'all.

It's just itching powder.

He'd be able to take a shower after the show.

He's like, don't ask why.

I know.

Milk mil said 100 bucks.

Icy hot for 15 minutes.

Are you drunk?

Oh, my God.

Have you guys.

Have you guys ever done that in basic?

Remember, like, you're running.

I saw, like, on the inside of your thighs for a run, and then you hit your junk.

Oh, my God.

That burns like, a so much.

Oh, it's horrible.

Icy.

Hiding your junk is absolutely the worst.

May want to buy the antidote at the same time, man.

Is there an antidote for itching powder?

I figure you just shower it off.

What did you.

You just, like, you just take a shower and wash that off.

I think I've always just showered when I got inching powder on myself.

And what about if we got John a Carolina Reaper and he just rubbed that down his.

How much would it take?

How much would it take, John.

Carolina Reaper and just, you know, cut it in half and just rub that Carolina Reaper right up your shaft.

No.

Now.

No.

Not happening.

No, no, no.

Why not?

I've gotten.

I.

Dude, I've gotten spicy in my eye before.

I can only imagine.

I would feel my.

No, it feel great, wouldn't it?

No, it's a burning sensation.

Not, you know, warm.

Nice warm.

No tingly.

How about you do it, Raider?

Yeah, Raider.

What if we send you a Carolina raper rate?

Do it.

Don't be a do it.

You can rub it down your shaft.

Listen, if you do it, I'll do it.

O.

This is.

This is a good ultimatum right here, Raider.

Here.

You do it.

I do it.

That you really want to do that?

Yeah.

How much.

How much you thinking?

200 a piece.

God damn.

Yeah.

200.

Holy.

We ain't gonna.

We ain't gonna get no 400 donation for this.

You never know.

Somebody might be out there to do it.

Shiny says new drink a game.

Shots.

Every time you mention Carolina Reaper.

Oh, God.

I don't drink drink.

But I'm sure snoochy snooch over here drinks.

What?

Never.

I'm not sure if Terry drinks or not.

Me drink?

Yeah.

Oh, both of them with a bottle of Jameson, right?

400.

400.

Monopoly money.

Let's go.

No, it's got to be real cold, hard cash, baby.

Yeah.

Don't do Monopoly.

Hang cheap.

I agreed.

Damn, you guys are expensive.

Little, but okay.

Well, we'll get back to these dares here in a little bit.

Joe, let's.

Let's get into some ways that people have died.

How about death by vending machine?

Vending machines are out here snatching lives like they're Terminators.

Stats show that 10 to 13 people die every year from these snack traps toppling over and crushing them.

Some dumbass in the 90s got so pissed at the machine eating his quarters, he rocked it until it fell on him, flattening his ass like a pancake died for a bag of Cheetos.

What a greedy little ex.

Users would call this guy Snack martyr, but I'm calling him who couldn't wait for a Snickers.

It sounds like something John would do.

To be honest with you.

John would be that guy that couldn't get it out of the vending machine and be shaking it.

I mean, imagine this.

The coroner's report.

Cause of death.

Doritos rage.

You're not just a statistic.

You're a cautionary tale for every broke college kid.

I want to point out that earlier Mark did not believe me about the vending machine.

I didn't.

I didn't think people, literally that many people died a year from vending machines.

I didn't.

That was an interesting one.

I thought it was fake news.

It's not fake news, though.

That's the funny part.

It's not fake news.

Hey, John, I got a question for you.

How many times have you rolled out of your bed while sleeping?

Almost every day.

Fall out of your bed while you're sleeping?

Just fall straight on your ass?

I move a lot.

Okay, well, here's.

Here's a little statistic for you, my man.

God, I hope I die falling out of bed.

Kills about 450Americans yearly, mostly drunks.

Enjoy that, Jameson.

You or old folks who take a midnight tumble and crack their skulls more than shark attacks and lightning strikes combined.

He's got a nickname called bedtime bonker.

You're dreaming, John, of flying, but instead you're flying off the mattress into a Darwin Award.

Would you.

You imagine dying by rolling off your bed?

Make for a great story.

Here lies John died while sleeping.

Sounds about right, too.

You know.

What about you, Terry?

You ever roll out of your.

Roll out of your bed while sleeping?

No.

No.

I've.

I've had the scenarios where I, like, jolt and I felt like I'm falling off a cliff.

I never rode off the bed like that.

No, not come over and roll you off the bed.

You would roll around with them in the bed.

I don't think you'd roll them off the bed.

I think you would sit there, line the sheets, and start rolling around with them.

To be honest with you, John, you always said you wanted a taste of that blackness.

I.

I remember.

I never said that.

You did.

I did not.

Oh, he absolutely did.

Right.

Don't, don't.

Don't let him lie.

Text messages real quick.

Let's see.

He's gonna look at radio.

Hold on.

Chat.

Let's see.

See what these messages say.

Is that a Dr.

Pepper right here?

Dude died from a gut punch ulcer burst and died.

Dude Right on.

Almost died from alcohol abuse.

Had been there, done that.

Fake news.

That's just stupid.

I fell out of my bed by my bunk bed when I was five.

Look, Marty, we know you're.

You're a special kind of man, and we still love you.

As long as it was just after sex, I'd be fine with it.

Milk, we get that you're a dirty dog.

No, I'd be doing WWE moves in the bed.

Dude, you should go see a professional Gino.

Not only is there alcohol intoxication, but there is water intoxication.

Yep.

I remember that.

Yep.

Hypo.

What is this?

Hyponatremia.

Her sodium levels tanked, brain swelled, and she croaked right then and there.

Stay.

People are calling her the wee pisser, but I'm just calling her a idiot who drowned from the inside for a gaming console.

This happens because people don't get too much water.

You electrolytes, athletes and contest nuts are dropping like flies thinking H2O is harmless.

You're out here trying to win a Nintendo, but now you're a statistic in the world's dumbest hydration challenge.

How much water do you drink, John?

Realistically, what I want to drink, realistically, probably 2 to 38 ounce glasses tops.

Okay, what about you there, Terry?

3, 16 ounces.

All right, so I'm drinking about.

What do you think I'm drinking about five of these right here.

What are these, like 32 ounces?

I think maybe four.

Oh, you both think you're better than me.

Listen, John, I don't drink soda.

I quit soda.

I drink mostly coffee.

The only time you see me drink soda is like at night.

I drink two cups of coffee a day that it's all water.

But I also drank Death Wish.

I drank the real men's coffee.

What do you drink?

Folgers.

What's in your.

What's in your K cup, John?

I don't know, whatever.

The store John's probably got Starbucks K cups.

Y, N, dude, I do not.

John's rocking that.

John's rocking that Starbucks K cups.

Dude got those Duncan Johnson drinks.

His.

His Starbucks coffee.

Just pinky out goes.

Isn't coffee flavored water?

Yeah, it is coffee.

Coffee is kind of flavored water, but it's so good, you add some.

Some freaking coffee flavor in that and it just makes it golden.

I got sugar cookie flavor right now.

Oh my God, it's delicious.

Can you see me coffee, extra dark roast?

I don't understand your comment.

What is this here?

Yeah, can you see me coffee, extra dark roast?

Is that a racist thing?

Towards Terry.

Please say yes.

I got John earlier with that.

It's a Raider joke.

Yep.

It's toward me.

I knew it, dude.

Oh.

Oh, man.

Dude, he got me so good earlier, it's not even funny, bro.

Really?

Yep.

Dude, you were off doing something, whatever, when we were in our call this morning and he sent me a link, so I clicked it.

You know, who knows?

It's a watermelon patch field, dude.

With a kkk.

Scary.

This is how you protect your watermelo.

I'm up.

I'm a little up.

That's all I'm saying.

Holy.

And maybe just looking at it and laughing made me feel racist.

Who's Terry racing?

Oh, man.

I don't think we're gonna do the death by molasses because that don't really happen too often.

That's funny as.

Dude, who did that?

Oh, you want to hear about death by molasses?

All right.

Yeah, I do.

It's slow.

How?

How?

All right, fine.

Known as the Great Molasses Flood.

People drowned in the goo, got crushed by debris, or suffocated as the 2.3 million gallons moved at 35 miles per hour.

X would have called us the surf tsunami, but I'm calling it the stickiest way to die.

This disaster happened because the tank was overfilled and poorly maintained.

Temps rose, the molasses expanded, and boom.

You're swimming in Aunt Jamama's nightmare.

You're out here thinking you're safe in Boston, but now you're a sticky corpse in the world's weirdest flood.

Could you imagine drowning?

Can I get in on that?

You.

You want to try drowning in molasses?

Yeah, dude.

Sounds like a great time.

What do you mean?

John, I think you would be trying to use that molasses to your granny.

I think, Terry.

Dude, you sure would.

You'd be.

You'd be lathering them, right?

I didn't stutter.

Dude, that molasses.

Last thing you ever try to do.

Not the first time.

I'd be sticky.

You think you just fell out of a coconut tree?

God damn it.

All right, y'all just accept my love, bro.

I'm just trying to love you.

Terry, can you accept John's love?

Can you look at John right now and just tell him, I love you, big daddy.

You gotta turn your head and look at his box.

You gotta turn.

Turn your head and look at him in the box.

Oh, I gotta turn my head do this.

Yeah, you gotta turn, look at him in the box, Terry.

Look.

Come on.

Turn your head and look at John in this box.

Box.

Wrong way.

There you go.

Yeah.

You.

Wow, dude, John, I'll love you long time.

You got to fight my wife for that privilege.

Oh, man, that's a fight.

I.

I pay to watch.

I'd honestly pay to watch that.

She gonna you up, son.

She'll tell you straight up that I'm high maintenance, bro.

And she ain't lying, dude.

No, John is probably the biggest high maintenance you'll ever meet in your life.

If, if you didn't know John beforehand, you would think that John was 100 of a gay man.

As high maintenance as he is, he's got the maintenance of a gay guy.

He really does.

I don't even do my own laundry anymore, dude.

Dude, she does everything.

I'm sure if his wife listens to the stream tomorrow, I'll get a phone call and she'll be agreeing.

She goes, mark, you are dead on.

Right on the head of the nail, dude.

I told her earlier, dude, I was like, I need vape juice.

I'm out, you know?

Yeah.

I don't know why you just couldn't go to the vape shop and buy your own.

I had to go to work, dude.

She had the car.

That's okay.

And how far is the vape shop from your work?

Like five minutes.

You couldn't stop?

Yeah.

You could have just walked there.

No.

Why couldn't you?

It was beautiful today.

I'm fat.

Well, that's why you gotta walk.

Get a little.

Maybe we gotta get you a bike, John.

Is that.

We're gonna.

We gotta get you a bike.

Where am I gonna put the bike?

Dude, you just carry it upstairs when you're done with it.

That's so much work.

You are easy pieces.

I gotta deal with screaming brat, sugared up children all day and you want me to carry a bike up?

It's not that hard smoking, dude.

You can get yourself a nice titanium bike.

So that way there weighs probably no more than £5 as you're carrying up the stairs.

You're golden.

I get winded walking up the stairs.

Didn't you carry your PC up the stairs?

Yeah.

So if you can carry a PC up the stairs, you can carry a titanium bike up the stairs.

But I carried the PC up in pieces.

Oh, dear God.

How many pieces, John?

So you got the tower in one hand, you probably carry the monitor in the other.

Hand walk up with those two first.

How did you do this, John?

How did you carry a PC up the stairs?

I brought the tower up first after I took the glass out of it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Y'all, this is why I tell kids, don't join the Navy.

Oh, what do we got?

A cash app.

How much?

Marty sent $100 to get itching powder for all three of us.

You.

What the.

And split the 100.

It looks like we're itching next week, gentlemen.

Choking.

What the.

It looks like we are itching next week, gentlemen.

Oh, God.

Thanks, Marty.

I appreciate you.

Dude, I'm kill you.

I didn't do it.

Terry, Terry, how's this feel?

Is this all up in your feels now that you're going to be itching next week?

And I.

And I'm gonna have to try doing this while roasting?

Like, what we're gonna do is the way we'll have to start the show off.

We'll do our intro.

We'll come live.

We'll all just, like, stand up, pull open, and drop the itching powder in, sit back down, and we'll start the show.

That's how the show's gonna happen next week.

Now be ready.

Terry, welcome.

Welcome to Chaos Cadre.

Terry, for your two weeks.

This is so.

Sorry, bro.

It looks like we're doing an itching pattern next week.

Yes.

At the beginning of the show, Marty.

And don't forget, Chad, that if y'all have any ideas for us, you find items on Amazon, let us know.

We'll add them to our Amazon wish list.

We do have right now the giving birth simulators in our Amazon wish list that John and I will do.

You know the machines where you put on your abs and then you.

It simulates that you're giving birth.

We do have those simulators in the Amazon wish list right now.

I think we were requesting two of them.

They weren't even that much.

I think they're like 20 bucks a pop.

Pop.

Don't tell Marty that.

I just told the whole Internet.

John, we're live right now.

Marty, don't do it.

Be good for once.

I don't want to experience what birth feels like.

500 for BP challenge.

What's the BP challenge?

That's what I want to know.

What's the BP challenge?

All.

Yeah, you're gonna have to explain yourself.

What is this BP challenge challenge.

We need the cramp simulator.

But.

Nope, nope.

Not touching.

Nope.

I'm not stick.

That is exit only.

I'm not sticking anything.

Where do I buy this wish list item.

Mark, where is the wish list?

If you click on my link tree link that's in the bio, it should be at the link tree forward slash the Mark G show.

You click on the Amazon wish list and then right there.

There.

The.

The.

The items are right there in the wish list.

It should take you straight to the Amazon wish list.

He's like, perfect.

Oh, dear God.

It looks like we're gonna.

Looks like we're gonna be simulating birth in the near future as well, John.

Oh, we're gonna have fun on this show, my man.

We're gonna add more dares.

I'm.

We're gonna add a ton.

Like, extreme sour challenges, certain drinks.

You know, like, there's that food that tastes like turkey and gravy or really up.

We're gonna.

We're gonna put that on the wish list, too.

Text you the link later.

Marty.

Marty, get my phone number from Mark, please.

This is gonna be epic.

Mil if you have no idea, dude.

So a couple weeks ago, me and Mark, we did the To Satan.

I can do this too.

I'll post a wish list in the chat.

Hold on one sec.

As you're showing the To Satan last.

Week, shiny did the toy.

Because a raider here.

If you want, go back into the previous episodes of the podcast and.

And check it out, bro.

Let me see where the Amazon wishlist is.

My Amazon Wishlist.

Is this the one that takes it with the.

Oh, yeah, they're right there.

Because we got two other 26.99 a pop.

There we go.

It's not even expensive.

Just wait till I get paid.

Yeah, they're 26.99 a pop.

That's the Amazon wish list.

But I can make it a little bit easier for y'all too.

This is the link tree link right here.

Here.

I love that it just posted it four times.

Well, it po.

You guys see the four times.

They don't.

It posts an individual.

The individual chat.

You saved it.

Okay, There we go.

I will, bro.

John, it looks like we're going to be simulating birth.

But speaking of simulations and dying.

Death by laughter is real.

Rare but real.

About 1 in 10 million people die from laughing too hard.

Hard.

Triggering heart attacks or assist.

Whatever.

Strangulation.

Yes.

There we go.

Who laughed for 25 minutes straight watching a comedy show and died of heart failure.

His wife wrote to the show thanking them for making his last moments happy.

They got hit with the Joker toxin.

Christ.

I mean, you guys, imagine if I.

Did a 25 minute very hot spicy pants.

Thank you very much.

Yeah, we can't.

We won't do any more spicy challenges, so y'all have to think of other we can add to the Amazon wish list.

Okay.

Made an agreement with John.

We made it.

We made an agreement.

We did.

And it's.

It's.

I think it's fair.

Dude, I.

I did the toast.

It's because John's a little bitch.

You can't handle the spicy food.

It's.

That's definitely true.

Dude.

That puts me on a commish for days.

Ever since I did.

Ever since I did the one chip challenge a couple years ago, I can't handle spicy.

I can barely handle buffalo sauce.

Dude.

Spicy is so good, though.

John, bring back salt and ice challenge.

What the is the salt and ice challenge?

That's what I wanted to figure out.

The salt and ice challenge.

Yeah.

What.

What is the salt and ice challenge?

Y'all get to tell us some of this good stuff.

You gotta.

You gotta listen when you.

When you say a challenge challenge, you got to put a description.

Yeah, yeah.

You guys, listen, folks, we're gonna have a call in section very soon.

We're actually getting close to the call in section, but I was talking to the guys earlier, and there was some pretty cool statistics that I really wanted to know about.

So we're gonna get to these ones real quick.

Next week, we're going to be talking about serial killers while on itching powder.

So that's going to be great.

We're going to want to be serial killers after tomorrow, after next week, you put salt on your arm, anywhere on your body, and then press that.

Doesn't that give you, like, third degree burn?

Burn.

And that seems very not safe.

If I remember correctly, that gives you almost a simulation, if not third degree burn.

Yeah, I see.

I knew it.

Yeah, John.

Really?

John.

He's gonna go test it out.

John, let's go for it.

Go do it, John.

Let's see John prove us wrong.

All right.

Apparently, John's going to grab some ice right now, so I'm Salt.

Oh, we're about to see what the happens here.

Where is my kid?

He's, like, hiding in his blanket.

All right, John, you got salt and ice?

All right, John, you got to put a large amount of salt right in a pile.

You got to put a nice amount there.

A little more.

Can you make it nice and perfect?

Now grab your ice.

Hold the.

Hold your arm up so we can see it.

Now hold the ice there and press the ice down.

Hold it down tight.

Is it Burning a little bit.

How did that feel?

John?

You.

You were.

You were very.

John, where's your mic?

You muted yourself?

Did you really mute yourself throughout the whole time?

We couldn't hear you screaming like a dude.

That felt so bad.

I didn't realize I was still muted.

Bro, I muted myself when I got up.

How was that Giant.

Explain the pain that.

Dude, it didn't hurt at first.

I was like this is.

And then it started to burn.

Dude, what the is wrong with you, dog?

Did it leave a good mark on there or what?

I mean, yeah, not much funny how I show up when this happens.

I don't.

I don't know who Star is.

Dude.

Welcome in Star.

You do know who it is.

Who is it?

I love how these guys.

You know who this is?

You know who this is?

Yeah, it's Lana.

You notice he had to look over to see who it was too though.

He's like, you know this.

Hold on.

I don't even know.

I saw this picture right here and I just lost track of train of thought.

Well, there's a lot of supposed to know that, right?

Dude, if you paid attention you would.

So John, how scared are you?

Your wife?

I'm pretty scared of my wife.

Why?

Okay, cuz.

The statistics show that wives killing husbands is 41% of the spousal homicides in the United States.

Back in the 80s and 90s, a Bureau of Justice Statistics study found that in 75 of the largest U.S.

counties 41% of the spousal homicides were wives killing their husbands.

Out of 500 cases, that's 221 women saying this marriage with a bullet or a blade.

These chicks weren't messing around.

95% of them used a gun or a knife.

Often turning the kitchen into a crime scene.

Like one lady in Chicago who stabbed her husband 37 times because he forgot their anniversary.

What a forgetful.

Holy.

Babe, Babe, I know you're going to listen to this in the morning.

I love you.

Please don't kill me.

I'll never forget her anniversary.

Anniversary.

I promise.

I can't forget.

But listen, a lot of these women were acting in self defense.

83% of their husbands they killed had threatening to kill someone.

Often them.

And 75% of them had been raped by their husbands.

Some over 20 times.

So you're out here thinking you're safe in your own bed, but your wife's got a butcher knife and a grudge.

Think of Marina Bobbit.

Foreign.

It's okay, Terry.

You'll be focusing on your nuts.

Tag.

That's Marty, right?

I love Marty, bro.

Cinnamon challenge.

Isn't that when you take, like, a table?

That's not.

Yeah, you gotta, like.

Yeah, you.

You can't.

That.

That'll.

There's people that have been died from the cinnamon challenge.

Yeah, yeah.

And it closes your throat.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Don't.

Don't do that one.

That one's up.

I'll do it.

You.

I know you will.

I know you would.

For a hundred dollars.

Damn.

All right, now listen up.

Husbands killing their wives, though.

That's 1,638 women murdered by the guy who vowed to love them forever.

You lying.

Firearms were the go to 60.

One of these killings used a gun.

Even killing oh so bad their child.

That's so crazy.

So I guess the men kill a woman is still high up there, but there's a large percentage of women that are coming after their husband.

Husbands.

I want to go back to where the woman stuff here.

We were already there.

Damn.

Okay, I'm done.

I don't want to learn about woman killing men no more.

No, I'm just gonna say.

I don't want to give any ideas.

I'm just gonna say it again.

Babe, I love you.

Please don't kill me.

I'll never forget anniversary.

You're the best things ever happened to me.

Remember that?

The best thing ever happened.

I love you.

John.

Have you ever.

Has your wife ever, like, listen to murder podcast?

Guess.

No.

But she watches Bones a lot.

Does she?

So she knows how to hide a body then?

Yes.

Does she watch the murder mystery shows, like, all of them.

Like, you know.

Death Slayer?

I don't know.

You don't know?

So you probably don't even really know if she listens to, like, Murder Style?

Yeah, like, you know.

You know those crime podcasts where they talk about crimes and stuff like, that's one of the.

Those podcasts are largely listened to by females.

Yep.

And that's some scary to think about, because think of these women, like, they're listening to these crimes and they're learning how to get away with them.

They're learning how to kill men and get away with the murder.

And the bad thing is most of them's like, this is what Relaxes me, right?

Yeah, this shit's relaxing, dear.

I listen to this before I go to bed.

So that way.

So that way there I can dream and have visions of slaughtering you in your sleep.

Yo, Kevin.

What's up, baby?

You imagine, though, being sound asleep?

Hold on, hold on.

You.

Why you always cut me off mid sentence, you little bitch piece of.

Listen, you're gonna be itching.

I can't wait till you itching next week.

I can't wait till you're itching, you stupid.

Yeah.

Anyway, listen, I just want to give a shout out.

Hold on.

You ain't hiding.

Listen, don't shut up, Terry.

Don't shut up.

Just try to get this little to talk over us.

Listen, listen.

Yeah, listen, I just want to give a shout out to Kevin.

Kevin, go ahead.

What was you saying, John?

Go ahead, finish it.

What was you saying?

I'm sorry, I just read Marty's comment, man.

Dude, John's favorite show is how to Get Away with Murder.

Murder.

John's Wife.

What the.

Oh, John's wife.

Anyway, shout out to Cavin, dude, for showing up.

I appreciate it, brother.

Means a lot.

Be sure to share out the podcast to all your friends, family, your grandparents, your aunts, uncles, distant cousins, everyone.

Dude, you have no idea how wild this gets.

Dude, my arm still.

John, would you do it again?

No.

Yes.

Okay.

All right, that's good to know.

All right, John.

Daniel Burgen saying.

Yo, John.

Yo, Daniel, another homie from work.

What's up, baby?

Oh, we're getting your co workers.

Welcome in, welcome in, welcome in.

Be sure to share it out.

Coworkers coming in now.

Appreciate you showing up.

Yeah, you missed me burning myself with ice cube and so.

Dude, my arm still hurt.

John, how much do you love bugs?

I hate bugs.

They're disgusting.

Did you know that humans eat about 2 pounds of bugs while sleeping in their lifetime?

That's disgusting, isn't it?

So over your lifetime, you'll eat around two pounds of bugs while you sleep.

Spiders, mites, and other creepy crawl into your mouth because you're drooling like a goddamn fucking idiot.

It studies estimate you swallow four to eight bugs a year, adding up to a buffet of critters.

All coming into your mouth, John.

Crawling down your little throat and just.

You're swallowing those bugs, John.

How does that make you feel, knowing you're eating bugs?

I mean, John, could you imagine waking up to a spider leg hanging out, stuck in your teeth?

You imagine that, John.

Just imagine the pro protein you're getting, dude, you wake up and you're like, oh, there's something in my teeth.

And you pull on it and it's stuck there and you yank on it.

The leg comes out from the front of your teeth and the body of the spider just drops on your tongue.

You're like, ah, protein, baby.

Oh my God.

Dude.

John.

Sleep well tonight, my man.

I don't think I can now.

But listen, I got some good news for you though, though.

The average person.

Oh, Jesus.

Has 0.2 milligrams of gold in their body.

Yeah, that's true.

Yep.

So you know about that statistic.

I see that.

That is something I did not know.

I'm gonna have to kill a lot of people to get that gold.

Just so you know.

You're.

You're gonna have to.

Is that what you're gonna do when the apocalypse happens?

No.

Gold will be worthless.

What are you talking about?

The gold will be worth everything.

Anything be worthless.

Gold and silver, my man.

No.

When the apocalypse happens, you're going to want food, water, weapons.

That's all you need.

Those will What?

More.

More.

You're going to also need cigarettes and you're going to need.

Oh, yeah, can't forget the liquor.

Y.

Cigarettes and liquor.

You got to have cigarettes and liquor too.

If the apocalypse happened right now where you're living.

John, where are you going?

I'm dead.

I don't think you understand.

I'm a minority in my city.

You're predominantly Somalian and Swahili speaking people.

And.

And Indians.

Not.

Not Native Americans.

Actual people from India.

Oh, I will die.

So they're.

They're the people that be like, thank you for cutting down the computer.

I can.

Okay, you gotta press enter over here.

Escape.

Kevin.

Dude, we go on a fun Z.

Holding down the fort.

Dude, a trampoline park.

I could see John doing that.

I can see John doing that.

Oh my God, dude.

Oh, John, here's a good statistic for you.

I'm crying, dude.

John, did you know a corpse can get an erection?

Yes, I did.

It's known as angel lust.

Dead guys can get boners.

It's called Angelus.

And it happens when blood pools in the dick after death.

Especially in hanging victims.

In medieval times, they thought it meant that guy was a sinner.

X would have called him hard hang, but I'm calling him a legend who got hard for the devil.

You stiff dick corpse.

This happens.

Cause gravity's a blood settles and suddenly your dead ass is pitching a tent at your own funeral.

Making your Widow blush for all the wrong reasons.

You're out here thinking death's the end, but your dick's got other plans.

Hope your last boner was worth the embarrassment.

You postmodus erection sporting.

How would you react?

You go to a funeral, you go over to your buddy, you're crying over his dead body, and next thing you know, he pops a chub while you're leaned over his coffin.

Well, at least I know I got someone excited.

Imagine being a ghost within.

Oh my God.

Imagine being a ghost.

And the sad part is you wouldn't be able to get yourself pleasure because you'd be a ghost.

You would try to use a glory hole and you would get no sensation.

It would just poof into a cloud.

Like John's vape sucking clouds over there.

Yeah, dude.

I mean John, could you imagine trying to your vape cloud?

You just.

I'd be poking everyone with it.

That's terrible, dude.

You're a monster.

That.

That may be how necrophiliac started, Marty.

That may have been how it started.

Marty.

Dude.

Coming with a wow.

Speaking of necrophilia though, if a guy gets shot in the Dick, there's a 1 in 20 chance his testicles will explode.

Load trauma resurgence report that high velocity bullets can cause the balls to burst like an overripe grape.

It's like this happens because the scrotum's thin skin can't handle the pressure and bullets rip through you.

Oh, y'all hear that?

Let's go with a sub.

They.

They can't hear.

I can hear it.

Mil, if you're a man, Mel, thanks.

For the 6 month subscription.

I'm like, where the that music coming from?

It threw me off.

I'm like, listen.

I'm like, I don't even hear why.

Where's the sound coming from?

What the.

Dude, All I can hear for music is from your background around with your son listening to Rick and Morty theme song.

Is that Rick and Morty still going off?

You guys can hear that?

Yeah, dude.

No.

Well, let's go.

I didn't realize it was that loud.

Anyway, I thought I had to turn down so I didn't pick up on the mic or.

It's only when I'm talking.

No, it's all the time.

Oh, no.

Well, I just turned it down.

Now you can't hear it, right.

Why are you gonna ruin my fun?

Off.

What the.

I was jamming out.

Why are you jamming out?

Let's Go, go.

I forgot Rick and Morty when we get off the podcast now.

You're welcome.

Go for what?

What is Rick and Morty, by the way?

You.

I was about say he's with us, right?

No, no, he don't watch that.

He doesn't watch animation.

He doesn't watch any movie older than five.

I, I, I can't watch.

He doesn't like anime.

I'm not done.

Shut the up, you piece of.

He's never watched Lord of the Rings.

I don't blame him for that.

It's just a big ass walking simulator.